I have tried to address the problems that you are unhappy with and taken liberties in trying to strengthen the weak spots. All are only offers. Most are small, but some are a bit big http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/wink.gif

Done a flip in the 2nd line to break the two lines beginning with IN..

A fresh hand grasped the whip, the blows increased
as lead-spliced leather hissed its strength and came
in contact with the bloody back--the same
as knives might carve the carcass of a beast.

If this was about an Abbo whipping Then My changes to mother wont work—
( how can you go wrong with bowels, it is after all better than --dropping guts)

Full twenty strokes ago the thief had ceased
to struggle, scream or pray in Mary’s name.
now swung he loose within his wooden frame

or
now swung he loose-un-legg'd his weal’s proclaim
(but this will mean the bowels line be rewritten completely)

befouled and stinking WITH his bowels released.

Then through the blood and ruptured flesh was seen
the blue-white spine and ribs whipped clear and clean.
The warder raised his hand up high and said,

You can see what I think need doing here in the last three lines.

”Enough! This man is very nearly dead--
Go strip his breeks, and lay him arse-cheek bare -
and none gainsay this whipping far from fair”

well them’s my thoughts fair or foul.. I will be keeping an eye on this one..
good work.
Ps
I am far from knowledgeable I have no need to be-- but I do know what is good and what stinks.

ps.. Peter-- did you know about the

ASTHMA NSW POET OF THE YEAR 2002

Well If you keep this in the right voice, I recon she’ll be a goer in 2003. this years bloke walked it with 5 grand.



[This message has been edited by Joan/hennie (edited May 08, 2002).]

Peter, I would say to stick with your "bland" rhyming words: stressing the strong ones by rhyming them in a poem this loaded with emotionally powerful images would feel like overkill.

Joan/Hennie (which?)
Thank you for your comments and suggestions, one or two of which are on my 'seriously consider' file.

I would appreciate more information on the NSW Asthma thingy.
I qualify. (Smoker's Doom.)

Cheers
Peter E

Rhina,
Thank you. I agree. It is a fine line, is it not?

Cheers
Peter E

P.S. I have not commented on any of the submitted sonnets -
a considered decision based on my fear of appearing something-or-other.

Peter

both, but I answer to
drink?

It has just been run and won -- sorry-- But next year is only 364 packs away, it’s Frank Daniels site He comes from Canowindra but I don’t hold that against him There you can find a lot of links and other aussie stuff of interest , heaps of banjo and the like.

You know I feel we get the better deal on the poetry boards. We comprehend the best of the poms. And the yanks as well, I blame it on Bonanza
and we can get stuck into our own as well with an advantage.
I'm afraid I have hung my hat too long with the free verse lot and lost most of my ability to bush balled with the mob over your way.
Enjoy --
and I hope to see more with this strength of feeling- it's beena long drought
http://www.bushpoetry.com/
-- joan

Peter, I remember that we thrashed this poem about on one of the boards last year.

I also remember that "came in contact" was one of my nits-- an awkward enjambment, and an oddly abstract expression interrupting your highly graphic description. The rest is very fine indeed. Congratulations and good luck in this contest.

The poems are so good, how is Dick to choose?

A.S.