Bob, sorry, butt I'm afraid your latest version doesn't come anywhere near scraping the bottom. Maybe if you'd started earlier you could have learned to write bad--but that's just hindsight. Tush, old man! Better make an end of it!

Yeah, Bob, you're too good -- give up.
Janice is my only really bad competition around here ...

Thank you, Wendy, I can be bad without half trying.

All right, guys, quit showing off. I'm convinced if I just keep adding stanzas, eventually the cumulative effect will be bad beyond your wildest expectations. So here's two more, to be added to the three I posted above:

Why should I care how fine the chair,
   how elegant or beauteous?
What good is that, if once I've sat,
   there's no rest for my gluteous?

When pillows soften chairs I often
   sit, but it's uncanny:
whenever there's no pillow there
   I stand up for my fanny.

There's only one solution, Bob.
Get a 24/7 desk job.
Not only will your gluteus
grow soft, but also maximus.

There's a wonderful episode of the Dick Van Dyke show where he (a TV comedy writer) gets invited to a literary party, and there's a pretentious poet there pedding his latest book, "Lavender Lollipops." I keep thinking if I ever publish another collection I'd like to use that title.

(That was relevant to this thread, but I forget why.)

If you're seriously looking for bad verse, rock lyrics are the only place to go. I present the immortal Champagne Supernova by Oasis:


How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky
Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams, she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova
'Cuz we don't believe
That they're gonna get away from the summer
But you and I will never die
The world's still spinning around we don't know why
Why-why-why-why-i-i
(guitar solo)
How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova
'Cuz we don't believe
That they're gonna get away from the summer
But you and I will never die
The world's still spinning around we don't know why
Why-why-why-why-i-i
(a really long guitar solo)
(background - sounds like a bunch of "No"'s)
(birds chirping)
(more guitar)
How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
We were getting high <-- 9 times, background "Oooh-oooh"
(Fades out 7th-9th times to just one "Oooh-oooh")
(Song gets really quiet, fades to a peaceful guitar solo.)

And while we're about it, does anyone know the lyric to 'A Whiter Shade of Pale'? Is it surreal? Or just crap?

In your quest for answers, John, try starting here:

http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=1131

Come on, you guys, let's have some more bad verse, or Wendy and I are going to declare ourselves winners by default. (Should that be "de faults in de verse dat was worse").

Marion gets a dishonorable mention for her apologetic retort to Bob.

What's our prize?