Marion, John is of course referring to the English Football Association. I am always pleased to translate football (soccer) and cricketing terms for those who do not know. ;)

Chris

Marion,

I can't quite decide whether Chris is joking or not; I don't know him well enough - but I do know John - and 'sweet F.A.' has nothing to do with football, I assure you!

It stands for 'sweet f*** all... and is sometimes referred to as 'sweet Fanny Adams' when one is trying to being delicate.

THE KEY

You say you need us, and you do,
to lock your house or drive your car.
Yet what can we conclude when you
cannot keep track of where we are?

To me it seems you must not care.
How can I not feel stung to see
that you're oblivious to where
I am or what became of me?

It's only when the need is great,
as you make frantic plans to go
and find that you are running late,
you dirty rotten so and so,

that you cry out for me to come,
as if it were not you, but I
behaving like cold-hearted scum.
I hate you and I hope you die.

Bob,

That's got to be a winner! I laughed out loud at the ending. Great stuff.

late (but not too late) entry
 

Because you haven't got a life
I'm mother, servant, pimp and wife.
Interminable hours online
Are your idea of bliss, not mine.

You click to make my helpless screen
A theatre of the obscene.
You buy your gadgets, place your bets
And run up real – not virtual – debts.

The sun is shining. Do you care?
As if. You're anchored to your chair,
A pallid ghost, a basket case,
A rat marooned in cyberspace.

You're all alone, obsessed, distrait.
Even your cat has moved away.
I wonder will you hear death's bugle
While clicking madly in mid-Google?

CAR

You press my pedal to the floor
which makes my giant motor roar
and smoke come pouring from my rear
as I zoom forward and you steer
in reckless zig-zags in and out
of lanes as drivers honk and shout
and raise their fingers to declare
for you they have no love to spare,
and though you own me, I agree.
I hate how you're misusing me.

I'm glad to take you all around,
on holiday or homeward bound,
to visit cousins or to shop,
but when the sign says STOP, please stop.
I know I can go fast. But make
a mental note: I also brake.

Hi RogerBob,

Some thoughts on your last one...

L3 - s on comes? - smoke comes... as I zoom
L7-8 - to declare / for you they've got no love... (?) - using the contraction and slang could distract from the inverson

Last 2 lines - You know I can go fast. But make / a mental note: I also brake. - think the 'you' is needed for the 'mental note'.

Cute, as always!

Zita

The Owner Replies:

You say you also brake? Oh ple-ase!
(Why did I ever buy a Prius?)