Maryann,

Thank you - that helps me a great deal. I did some googling, too, and it wasn't as helpful as what you just shared. I'm not the grammarian I was 20 years ago, alas.

Thank you, Roger (and Elise) for commenting on my question about the miss/dismiss pairing. I assumed since no one was mentioning it that it hadn’t bothered anybody else. I’ve always thought that compound words are formed from identicals and thus do not rhyme. Of course many words are on the border—such as stain and sustain but coming from completely different roots those are acceptable. (One can check the syllabic breaks in a dictionary, where the latter is divided after the ‘sus’ and not after ‘su’!) Roger, given your explanation, would you hesitate to rhyme these words?

Thinking about the names some more, could ‘Ann’ be the second part of the twin’s name—‘Alan’ or 'Susan'? (Both trochees, which is a kind of twin to an iamb, versificationally [poetically?] speaking.)

Marta

Marta, I might hesitate, but then I'd do it. At any rate, I think it works in this poem.

PS-- Marta, stain and sustain are rhymes because the syllable breakdown of the latter is sus-tain, so the rhyme is stain with "tain." But you are right that a rhyme like that creeps very close to being an identity. By the same token, an identity like missed/dismissed creeps very close to being a rhyme. It's a mistake, I think, to regard rhyme as an either/or proposition. Not all words that rhyme seem to rhyme with equal volume, and not all words that don't rhyme fail to give us the satisfying chime of a true rhyme. Individual cases and context count a lot.

Gail, Nope, not mine, though I do have twin granddaughters!. Much enjoyed.

very well written. gets my vote--so far! (but haven't read them all yet).

Tho I agree about missed/dismissed.

And before I saw it mentioned by someone else I felt the naming of "Ann" unnecessary (reminiscent of "Maeve" in that other poem) or that it didn't work somehow. Yes, Ann is a strong, definite name, suits the character of the older twin as presented. But I still think putting in her name detracts from the poem.

Detracts, and distracts.

Christine --

I didn't mean to suggest that actually naming the first twin, "Ann," was a bad thing in the poem. I only wondered whether the second twin -- the N. of the poem -- should have been named too.

Too cool for sonnet school! It's so clever and polished that the metrical bumps in L5 really stood out for me. Clean them up and it's fine. I often have an unreasonable prejudice against poems about poetry, but this one wins me over.

Ah OK Elise...I think I was thinking more of your later comment, along the lines of "why would the narrator mention the name Ann at all?"

But then I see you do go on to qualify it by saying, as in the earlier comment, that it makes one feel that the N should perhaps be named too....

Well, I'm not sure Ann should be named at all...

That last year of the fifties,
still before the eyes of ultrasound,
the doctor missed me waiting there behind you.
When he pressed the stethoscope,
his single silver ear,
to the darkness,
listening with no picture,
he couldn't find me hiding
and dismissed the second heart,
my weaker beat,
as just a bouncing off,
an echo trailing yours.

I tried to read the sonnet aloud and the enjambs of the octet just didn't read well, were unnatural, I don't think this technigue works except where there is a natural pause. You can accept it on the page, maybe but when you really listen to the words, the rhythm, it doesn't play (for me). It may break up the monotony of end rhymes but it replaces it with another problem.

Very lovely and with, as others have mentioned, deeper levels and possibilities. "While I, a hesitation, then a sound/ that never seems to finish or begin/ forever pause to check myself, to question,/ that second beat still waiting to be found." Wow. It suggests a dark side of attributes one associates with God: Alpha/Omega (never seems to finish or begin); eternal/ at rest (forever pause); the Judge of Judgment Day (to check...to question). "A hesitation, then a sound" which describes the Iamb, a word that only becomes an iamb when said as "I am!" That hesitation of the thoughtful person before expressing themselves. These are written as if the N feels these are weaknesses, while it could be argued the opposite. This is all something one can read into it, although the focus of the actual poem is the twins, and how the 2nd twin feels overlooked. It's also a perfect description of an extrovert/ introvert comparison.

Definitely this is one of the best. They seem to improve as we count up the list.

I like this one, a lot. As someone who has given birth to twins and who was completely unaware that she was carrying twins until the 20th week of the pregnancy when it was revealed at the first ultrasound, this resonates. (Somehow, my son's heartbeat was not detected in there, behind his sister, who was then and continues to be the more dominant twin!)

Though my twins, now 9, would probably not understand this, I think they would relate, in time. Very well done, on many levels.

OK, but N seems more of a trochee, the unaccented behind the accented, as in accented comes first.

RM

oops, wrong thread

Encountering this poem under other circumstances, we would know the author's name. So I assume the reference to Ann would make some kind of sense (some kind of sonic relationship between the names, some kind of symbolism). If not, then I agree with the folks who've said that it's extraneous.

I'm also not that sold on the conceit here. It feels like one of those too-clever-by-half ideas (my sister and I are a contrasting pair, like the two beats of an iamb!) that doesn't quite work out. But you go ahead and hammer it into a poem anyway, and hope the seams don't show (wait, if I'm the soft beat that follows her strong beat...then aren't we a trochee?) (if a heartbeat has an iambic rhythm...then are two hearts double-iambs?).

It's well executed and there are some nice touches along the way, but I don't think the idea really holds together.

This poem has some great things going for it. I think L10-L14 are nearly flawless.

I think a lot of the detail is extraneous though, and wonder if not in poetic poem, would read something like

That last year of the fifties, the doctor missed
me waiting there behind you. When he pressed
the stethoscope,
he dismissed
the second heart, my weaker beat, as just
a bouncing off, an echo trailing yours.

My sister Ann, defined and certain,
has always known which way her life was bound;
while I, a hesitation, then a sound
that never seems to finish or begin,
forever pause to check myself, to question,
that second beat still waiting to be found.

Something like that. I agree with the comment about the twin not needing to be named. She doesn't feel she needs to. Also in reference to naming the other one, I don't think it detracts or distracts too much. It could definitely be symbolic as someone else suggested, and I think it also gives a sense of identity to the twin who has a name. It might not be important if we knew the identity of the writer. I think it is a good choice though, if a made up one.

Well now we know why Elise kept asking about the name issue. ;)

Nicely done, Elise. Very strong sonnet through and through.

I don't think I said so before, but I rather like the first twin being named. It emphasizes another way in which the second one is behind.
Yes, congrats. :)

I feel very stupid now that I didn't guess the author on this one. Those slant rhymes should have clued me in. Anyway, this was my favorite, so congratulations, Elise!

Thanks, all. I do feel a little bit guilty, like something of a trickster.... My name itself is an iamb, and I wanted to lead people in that direction! But I've always wondered whether my name should also be mentioned in the poem. It is mentioned in at least one other twin poem in my short series of them.

I've been talking with another Eratosphere member about "truth" in poetry, always an interesting topic. Of course, we all tell lies in our poems -- some big and some small. But in case anyone was wondering: Yes, I have a twin sister named Ann. We're fraternal twins, but we were dressed alike and called "the twins" for at least our first seven years.

Gail -- If I make it into the next bake-off, I know you'll know it's me!