I just couldn't resist = That just sounds too cool Ethan

*Capitalism*

Many scientologists
(most, left-handed)
scribbled out lists
in which they all charted
their bowling alley's disrepair.

When the thudding of hooves came
they huddled in fear
of the coming game.
The racket quickly drew near.
Some stuttered that it wasn't fair.

With an ear-murdering boom
the wall exploded.
What smashed through the room
and brutally stampeded
were quite nearly invisible.

The seven unicorn's horns
pierced many that day.
Like long bloody thorns,
more vivid with each they'd slay.
The building was soon just rubble.

The scientologists; done.
Every last one; dead.
The unicorns won,
in the end they always did.
Then they all just went home to bed.

Nash,

A challenging read, but I'm puzzled by a few of your line breaks.

And though I applaud the experimentation,the disparate images fail to coalesce--in short, the whole is less than the sum of the parts.

Hope this helps. Thanks for the read.

This one apparently works for some and not for others.= The crackpots among you can't possibly see how good this is.

Cool poem i rely enjoyed thanx for posting = Okay, that makes seven. Eight more and I can post mine.

It should be spelled thus:

Kule pome-ire, Lee-Ann. Joit ankhs fur Poe. - Sting = huh?

Robert Meyer

Tom,

thank you for that unnervingly accurate translation.

BTW, you might like to check out my new nittier, grittier, down-and-dirty version of "Here".

I got rid of all the Disney effects for you, and replaced them something more "real" and "modern" in tone.




------------------
Mark Allinson

"Cool poem i rely enjoyed thanx for posting = Okay, that makes seven. Eight more and I can post mine."

Exactly!!! Good one Michael! Except you forgot to say "and when I post mine (rubbing sweaty palms together vigorously) the entire world will know that I am God's gift to poetry!"

Hey Nash http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/biggrin.gif

Much to like here http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/biggrin.gif (but nothing to love http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/frown.gif).

I like this line "scribbled out lists" (but the rest is puke).

I am confused by some of your line breaks (English is a second language for you isn't it?) but that doesn't concern me as much as the worn out cliches (actually I'm worn out - long night at the pub/bar/work/home/life but I won't say that).

Yet, I'm sure if you work on this some more (say eternity) I'm sure this rough draft (which you probably did first on toilet paper) will yield a fine poem (not in this eon though).

Sorry for being so negative. http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/biggrin.gif (don't hurt me please).

P.S. Just to be painfully clear, I am not critiquing Nash's poem on the thread. I'm just continuing the joke topic of the thead really.


[This message has been edited by Yolanda Cruz (edited July 10, 2005).]

Due to Yolanda's liberal use of stupid icons, she has been grated riplomatic impunity and Nash and all else have to eat crow and like it!

http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/wink.gif Just in case,

Fr. RP

And don't worry Yolanda; we really do believe that you are not ripping on Nash's poem located on this thread... who would dare think otherwise? http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/smile.gif

[This message has been edited by Robert Pecotte (edited July 10, 2005).]

Just my 2 cents worth. = Listen up guys: I have been working on poetry theory for years, I have chiseled true art out of rough marble, and if you don't want to listen, fine.

I am beginning to see what this poem is about. = Have you been taking your medicine?

You have written better poems than this. = You have written better poems than this in your previous life.

This poem needs a little more action, more liveliness. = How long have you been dead?

I was saddened to read this poem about the tragic, slow death of your 99 year-old father. = Well, that certainly was gruesome! Please, no more dead relative poems.

I love the many classical references in this poem. = So, I see you haven't had many real tragedies in your own life yet. Just wait.



[This message has been edited by Tom Jardine (edited July 10, 2005).]

Have you considered using imagery? = Have you considered not writing?

and my final offering:

This one will stay with me for a long time = Why did you have to tell me people did that to other people? Couldn't you just not tell me stuff like that? I feel sick.

What poets are you reading at the moment? : Would you recognise a book if you fell over one?

This is not as good as your 'Arabica' poem. = And that was total c**p !

I am very impressed by the obvious erudition displayed in this poem. = If there's one thing I really hate, it's a smart ass.

And my favourite response from an author:

Thank you so much for your comments. I look forward to reading one of your poems.= How DARE you give me a negative crit! As soon as you post something, I'll be waiting to tear it to pieces.

Regards, Maz

There's an undeniable dark sensual undercurrent = Don't you people ever think of anything else?

I'd question your rhymes in lines 2, 4, 8, 12, and 14 = you rhymed an identical final vowel-final consonant pair. I believe the best rhymes are pairs such as "tart/moot", or better yet, "snow/biscuit."

I'm sorry, but this just isn't Deep End material = I don't know you, do I?

This is very fine = I know you, I'm pretty sure I'd better like this, and I have nothing to say, really - hence the use of the adjective "fine" that is never used this way outside of poetry boards.

This is one of your finest poems = I know you and have hated your other drek for years, so it's refreshing to really mean it when I kiss up to you for once.

Amusing, wry, witty, clever, but not truly fine = I really like this, but I don't know you

This admittedly slight piece = I like this poem, I don't know you, but I've got something positive to say about the poem, and I want to do so without pissing off the Truly Fine.

Congratulations! = Why bother with a crit? I'm tired, it didn't suck too bad, and we've been in the same circle jerk since '92.

Thank you for the insightful read = you will die now

You make a good point = You are truly a gibbon among tree sloths, in this meeting of the mindless we call a thread

Thanks for taking the time to comment = although somehow I think it unlikely that you have trouble clearing out your hectic social schedule

You've got a finely attuned, natural ear = (and the intelligence of lichen)

This reminds me of something Sam Gwynn once told me = I know Sam Gwynn I know Sam Gwynn hey everybody I know Sam Gwynn

Just my two cents = I can't go on yammering about this rot without end, Jesus, just take the point and move on

I've taken the liberty of fiddling with some lines = you almost found your voice there - thank GOD I was here to get you to what you REALLY want to say

http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/wink.gif ;( http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/smile.gif

Dan

Thanks for the detailed read = You're a bit obsessive-compulsive, aren't you.

Have you thought about adding a final couplet, and making this a sonnet? = I don't care what Alan Sullivan says, sonnets are where it's at.

http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/wink.gif

Gawd, I say a lot of the above but I never mean the snide, unkind subtexts. There are only so many ways of saying thank you.

The times I feel most vulnerable are when I admit that I like a poem. For some reason that isn't acceptable--or it is, only when at least one suggestion for an alteration accompanies it. That seems to be more "serious" than well-considered approval.

Adult poets can write better than any poet on the forum.
Janet

I think it's silly to suggest alteration when you don't honestly believe it is needed, in fact its counter-productive and defeats the purpose of the sometimes brutally honest crits here.

I see your point though, in this environment Janet, but I think it would be better to pick apart what you like about a piece and maybe point out why it doesn't need to change than to find flaws that you don't really think are flaws. Sometimes minor flaws can even enhance a poem. With such a strong focus on honesty here, I think being honest about what you like is a very important balancing point.

The focus on honest, straightforward critting here makes this thread even funnier though.

------------------
Here I am trying all kinds of mysterious things.. Just smash it with a coat hanger.

[This message has been edited by Nash Mason (edited July 12, 2005).]

Gawd, I say a lot of the above but I never mean the snide, unkind subtexts.

Oh, neither do I, Janet! This is all in good fun.

Even when I like a poem, I try to pick a nit or two, on the theory that even things I already like can be made even stronger.

LOL, Janet! You must have taken your Serious pills this morning.

Mine could be examples of how you might perceive a crit if you were feeling insecure.

And I don't really pen satirical sonnets about everybody who crits my poems. Honest! Fenster is a wildly exaggerated caricature I concocted for fun after a poem of mine bombed, but the poem in question really wasn't very good, and I don't really think the critics who panned it are like Fenster.

(Now give me one of those Serious pills - I have a lot of work to do today.)

Nash, Victoria and Rose I do laugh at the send ups and was in no way solemnly shocked. Promise. A little depressed maybe?;)


This does not belong on the Deep End=Le Deep End c'est moi.

I need to know more =about everything including poetry.




[This message has been edited by Janet Kenny (edited July 12, 2005).]

This will be cute when you're done. = You may have thought you posted a poem but it looks half-baked to me.

I smirked out loud at Le Deep End, c'est moi.

Apres moi le dessert,

Dan

This may be interesting writing, but is it a poem? = Shit, sorry, I've just committed a mortal sin, haven't I?

Nash, flaws are certainly forgivable, and inevitable, as poets (the ones I know anyway) are merely mortals. But I don't see how flaws, minor or otherwise, might "enhance" a poem, unless you consider near-perfection to be somehow suspect.

One can be put off by poems which appear too polished. I would imagine though, that in such cases either one is correct, and the poems are too surface-slick for their own good (in other words flawed), or one is too easily intimidated by a well-constructed poem.

Of course, if you're religious you might consider near-perfection to be an insult to your god. Derek Mahon put this case beautifully in his poem 'Lives':

The time that I liked
Best was when
I was a bump of clay

In a Navaho rug,
Put there to mitigate
The too god-like

Perfection of that
Merely human artifact...



[This message has been edited by Mark Granier (edited July 14, 2005).]

Mark,

You make an excellent point. = I pretty much agree but I feel like being difficult.

It raises the question of just what a flaw is. = I'm avoiding the point now.

Next I'll try to distract you with a vaguely related tale.

I had a large painting of mine mounted on foam core that got damaged moving once. So I tore the whole thing into several smaller pieces, then wired them back together with thick wire and fine steel thread. I used a little more paint to make those rips just a bit more gruesome.. I like the painting even better now. I can find perfection in virtually anything but of course there is still always room for improvement.

So, now I have basically contradicted myself.. My perspectives change day to day, in part on account of what you say. My point was more about finding flaws that aren't really there because of the pressure to give a respectable crit here. From another perspective it is probably good, as motivation to really look close - a subtle change can make a big difference (for better or worse). I still think being honest about what we like is important also though.

-nash

0 <--- may not be a perfect circle. But it's a perfect whatever it is.

Apologies if I've misread this. It's your poem = Only a fool would ignore my Critique of Death.

[This message has been edited by Michael Cantor (edited July 15, 2005).]

Critic's comment:

What I think you’re trying to say is = as if you have any thoughts worth writing about…get a clue.


Author's reaction:

What I think you’re trying to say is = what I was trying to say is what I said…get a clue.

Have you considered cutting some adjectives? = This is a string of vagaries and generalizations!

I've had it with this place! = See y'all next week