In response to Robert's "rain" haiku:

sun to rain
to sun to rain:
the intimate lunch

Lee

Lee

Many thanks for that excellent essay on punctuation. I'll copy it into my files with your other words. My instinct was to use the em dash but I lacked confidence.

And an especial thanks for your beautiful turning of my inexpert poems.
very best,
Janet

[This message has been edited by Janet Kenny (edited May 04, 2004).]

Trying 2-3-2 accentual. My original in romanji.

Again yet again
comes the later moon
Ah the tears!

mata mo mata
nochi no tsuki kuru
namida ga ya


.
G/W


[This message has been edited by Golias (edited May 04, 2004).]

Janet, thanks for the kind words. Glad you weren't offended--you know how touchy some people can feel!

I think the dash works fine for yours, but if they were mine, I think I would probably use a colon. Your poem, your choice, of course!

Lee

"Again and again" is not without its charm, but has a sentimental mood that is not one that would generally be asssociated with contemporary haiku. Contrast this haiku by contemporary Japanese master Akito Arima:

tenrô ya ainshutain no seiki hatsu

the dog star:
Einstein's century
comes to an end

Another thing intersting to note in this poem is the use of the kireji (cutting word) "ya." (I believe I mentioned these in the "punctuation" essay.) which is often "translated" as a colon. This is an example of a "syllable" in a Japanese haiku that has no meaning content other than to direct the reader's attention.

Lee

Just in from a mini-vacation to find this treasure of a thread. I offer these for your thoughts. Thanks!

Kathy

bullfrog croaks
never gets answer
bachelor

concubine
opens pink lotus
empress sleeps

luna moths
on ground in circle
full moon, rise!

This thread is one of the best I've ever seen for the discussion and interpretation of these poem forms. They are wonderful. Meanings and humor can be so subjective at times that it makes it difficult for me to know if I've hit the mark or if I've overshot. I appreciate all your comments here, Lee. They've been so informative. Here's a few of mine:


frosting on the trees
cakes of snow on my mailbox
I scream for warm days

dogs bay at the moon
a bright thing in a dark sky
far-off stars twinkle

tinder for a poem
-when the real logs catch fire-
usually burns up

Lee,
I just want to say how much I'm enjoying this, it's very enlightening. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Renate

Hey, it is you folks that are making this work! Thanks for the kind words. I will try to live up to your level of engagement!

Unfortunately, I won't be able to respond to these poems until I get home from work tonight--see you then!

Lee

Two windows
different light < br> < br>
< /table>

< br> is pronounced "break" and < /table> is "end table" or "close table"

Kathy, delighted we were able to give you a stimulating surprise! Thanks for sharing the haiku. (By the way, "haiku " is both singular and plural.) They give me an opportunity to comment on several issues related to haiku composition. I hope you find them of interest. And even more I hope you won't mind my using your poems to discuss them.

I will begin this by sharing the secret of writing a fine haiku. Interested? Here's the secret: write 100 bad haiku! You may think I am being glib, but the fact is that it is very difficult to write an excellent haiku. And this is not only a problem for Westerners. The Japanese say that even for a haiku master, only one in ten is excellent. With this perspective, let’s go on to see what we can learn from your haiku.

In an earlier post, in which we discussed some haiku of Janet Kenny’s, I mentioned that what seemed to be the context of the poem was presented in the third line. This is a common problem for those who are first trying their hands at haiku. Sort of “saving up” a surprise to present in the third line. A related problem is that of making the third line a “conclusion” or “title” to the poem. In other words, rather than presenting two images, haiku like this present one image and the poet's interpretation of the image. If your haiku can be rewritten like this:

"bachelor"

bullfrog croaks
never gets answer

it likely suffers from this affliction. In general, haiku don’t have a “point” to make. Rather, they offer to share a meaningful intuition with ther reader by artfully presenting images in such a way that the reader can become a “co-creator” of the experience.

Your haiku also bring to mind another pitfall of writing haiku, what has been referred to as “Tontoism” after the Lone Ranger's faithful companion. It is considered Tontoism when one unnaturally omits articles from the haiku. (In my mind “never gets answer” and “on ground in circle” are both examples of this.) I don’t think anyone would arbitrarily leave out articles when writing a sonnet; there is no reason to do so when writing a haiku, either.

Another important issue of haiku is what I will refer to as “believability.” When something is being presented as a natural scene, is it plausible or not? (Of course, this issue takes on a completely different aspect when one is talking about surreal haiku or haiku that rely on syntactic disjunction to jar the reader.) I don’t pretend to be an expert on luna moths, but when I read the luna moth haiku, I suspect it is based on fancy rather than on what luna moths actually do. (If I am wrong about this, give me both barrels! Blam! Blam!) Even if I am wrong about this particular poem, and please forgive me if I am, the issue still remains important for poets writing haiku. The best haiku are about WHAT IS rather than on the poet's fancy or what things are like or might seem like. (This is the reason overtly figurative language is generally avoided in haiku.) Of course, there are execeptions, and “what is truth” is not a trivial issue. In fact, it may well be the most important. Having read that last sentence, you might suspect another lecture is coming on. I will try to restrain myself and just mention another perspective from which to look at this issue: in one schema, the development of the haiku poet’s sensibilities is seen as moving on a continuum from “sketches from life” to “selective realism” to “poetic truth.” Poetic truth, of course, is not the same as literal truth. (If you are interested in hearing more about this, let me know and I won't have to feel guilty about giving another lecture.)

See what you have done, Kathy? I hope you won’t think that I am being too hard on you and I hope you will not be discouraged from sharing more of your haiku with us!

Lee

Yes, ChristyElizabeth, I think you are correct in saying the subjectivity of meaning (especially) and humor (also) are important issues to consider. (In fact, I once shared a senryu with someone and they never spoke to me again! Some sense of humor!)

I think this problem of subjectivity, of how much is enough, not enough, or too much is a problem that plagues haiku particularly because of its brevity. No room to explain oneself, so if you have left out something crucial, the reader just won’t “get it.” This problem is so important that I wouldn’t consider submitting a poem until I have had a knowledgeable friend critique it. Sometimes the most difficult thing is to distinguish what is essential from what is incidental—especially when the incidental seems more interesting!

I have a few comments on the poems, if you will. The first seems a bit overburdened with figurative imagery. Beyond this, the mood of the imagery seems to conflict with the mood of the poem. “Frosting” and “cakes” don’t seem to convey the mood of frustration implied by “screaming.” Now you may intend that they do so, and that is fine. But if you do, why not let the natural scene speak for itself? Are “frosting” and “cake” more eloquent than the beauty of winter landscape itself? And, keeping in mind the message of the third line, is it possible to make the reader scream him or herself without overtly saying so? To resolve these issues in a poem that allows the reader to share the discovery of the feeling of this particular winter day is to be on the road to successful haiku.

frosting on the trees
cakes of snow on my mailbox
I scream for warm days

This second poem is more successful as a haiku. It is an example of the “sketch from life” haiku mentioned in the previous post.

dogs bay at the moon
a bright thing in a dark sky
far-off stars twinkle

This third, I believe, is the most successful of the three. I think it has a real insight to share, though I am not entirely sure I agree with it. The most important question is, do you?

tinder for a poem
-when the real logs catch fire-
usually burns up

I am sure that is more than you wanted to hear—sorry to be so long-winded!

Lee

Thwo new:


three sunny days:
buds blossom;
three drops of rain:
umbrellas


*


Bird
shit on
NO TRESSPASSING


***

And two rewrites:


untouchable coal
smoldering in your red shirt--
grey will hem you in!


*


And because some things work better in other forms (!):


rites of rain

heavy
with the weight
of rain
a leaf uncups
drops


OK. I'll stop now. You've been very inspiring. Thank you!

Tom

[This message has been edited by nyctom (edited May 05, 2004).]

Thank you so much for the insights, Lee. That was very helpful. (And I sure don't think of you as long-winded! Most writers that I know never get tired of these kind of discussions.)

On the first one - perhaps if I changed that last line back to how I originally had it - but like you said, it does seem a little busy.

frosting on the trees
cakes of snow on my mailbox
ice cream for warm days

The second one about the dogs baying at the moon - I liked for the insinuation of flashiness get attention.

As far as whether I believe the last one--well, I have learned through writing and rewriting that I sometimes have to let my pet lines go. (But I do save them!)

A valuable thing I've picked up from you is that the line doesn't need to be a summing up, or a value judgement. I can't always pinpoint why I favor some haiku over others but that may be why.

Again, thank you for your time and expertise. I look forward to reading more!

Christy

Tontoism? ahh so, Kimosubbie, I see! LOL....Lee, you are a delight and I thank you for your candor and for sharing your wealth of information on how to write haiku (see? I'm learning already...)

With regard to the luna moths...BLAM BLAM! That was a real life observation. I walked up on a perfect pale yellow circle of them in my driveway. An odd thing to see. I dont know why they do that.

I am, of course, interested in anything you are willing to share about how to write haiku. I adore them even if I find them extremely hard to accomplish. This week end, I will have more time to settle in and read this topic thoroughly. Then I'll buckle down and try to to write a good one. Gee, only 78 bad haiku to go! No sweat! ha!

Best wishes and many thanks for your effort here,

Kathy

P.S. I'm left wondering about my concubine one. Was it too bad for words? Offensive? Inappropriate subject matter for haiku? Speaking of that, I might as well post another that got some flak, because of its religious overtones that I was told does not go with haiku...its the one (obviously) about the passion flower. What is your take on that? Might as well throw in a couple more. Feel free to use them as fodder for lessons. I don't mind looking like a doofus...really. *wink*

Kathy

early morning rain
washes purple pansy's face-
ready for the sun!
~
finches flit from oak
to huckleberry bushes
quick morning kisses

passion flower
hangs on wooden trellis
crucified
~~~

75 to go...



[This message has been edited by Kathy Gay (edited May 05, 2004).]

I've attempted very few of these (and always in the novice's 5/7/5 form), but this one is my favorite:

puddle of shadow
beneath the forsythia --
two green eyes. black cat!


I'm curious, Lee, whether you would consider this one to exhibit the "sin of context" you mentioned earlier, since presumably I could have titled the thing "black cat". But to my mind, that would be a different poem, and would not (as I hope this one does) recreate the startled joy of discovery that that wasn't just a shadow, after all.

Thank you,
Victoria

As far as I can remember these are the first haiku I've attempted writing. In the first one I wonder if the
words "ignite" and "shower" are appropriate to the form,
or is this case of "overburdening imagery"?


Red blooms ignite
the Bottle Brush tree—a shower
of Rainbow Lorikeets.

The Autumn school-term
begins—four hundred
children chattering.

thank you,
Renate

Tom,

Thanks for sharing the new poems—some interesting poems here. “Three sunny days” is interesting and fun. “Bird” is of course, simple irony. To tell you the truth, I would have preferred it to have been a BUSH/CHENEY sign. To tell you the truth, I haven’t got any idea what you are trying to get at with the “untouchable coal” piece—probably my failure.

As you might suspect, the perception involved in “rites of rain” is something many have experienced over the years, and falls in the category of a successful “sketch of life” (mentioned in an earlier post) whatever form you put it in.

Speaking of “other forms” for the past little while I have been writing in my own haiku in the actual form the Japanese use: Not 5-7-5 in three lines, but in a vertical line with one word to a line.

Lee

Christy,

Well, my thoughts—I certainly wouldn’t put them in the realm of insights--but I am delighted to have been or some service. Yes, as you observed, the new version of the first poem is still a bit busy. Please notice that the third line is still an interpretation of sorts. In the best haiku, the poet allow things to speak for themselves. That is not to say that mental perceptions are not a part of haiku. If you look at the poems I posted on the “haiku form?” thread last night, you will see lots of mental perceptions. This partly results from haiku’s origins in a Buddhist culture in which the mind is simply one of the senses and thus doesn’t face the temptation to “rule” the other senses.

Yes, it is always difficult to give up our pet lines, as you describe them, no easier for me than it is for you! We are all sinners! Lord, have mercy!

Not only does the third line not need to be a summing up or value judgment, you would be well-served to assume it should NEVER be that.

Lee

Kathy,

Well, you have exposed me as a lepidopterous loser! But thanks much for clearing my sinuses with your Remmington! Kidding aside, I have never seen more than one luna at a time—it must have been a glorious sight! I hope you can do something really fine with it.

Yes, isn’t Tontoism a great term? It is also been put that a haiku is a poem, not a telegram.

Haiku are hard to accomplish, and accomplished haiku are rare. Even the esteemed Bashô may only have written half a dozen truly great haiku. (I think Bashô said you were a great haiku poet if you have written three or four, but don’t quote me on the exact number.) Only 75 bad ones to go? You are almost there! If you could see some of the bad stuff I have written—and had published—you would, I believe, not be concerned at all about your progress. Speaking of publishing, to me one of the advantages of print publication is that with sufficient effort you can locate and burn all the copies of a book or magazine, but with the Internet, poems can attain eternal life . . . whether you want them to or not!

Concubine: to tell you the truth, it is not a matter of bad or offensive. I just didn’t get it. That said, I will mention that it is best to avoid trying to “tell a story” in three lines in your haiku. As you might expect,we have an expression for that, too: “mini-series haiku.”

Religious overtones are no problem. In Japanese, one of the six (or is it seven, I forget) major categories of seasonal words is called “Gods and Buddhas.”

Re:

early morning rain
washes purple pansy's face-
ready for the sun!

Here is a haiku on the same subject but with an enormous difference in approach. Lighter, more true to life, not painting a picture but taking our hand so we can come along and share the fun:

pansies we smile back
Charlies Trumbull

finches flit from oak
to huckleberry bushes
quick morning kisses

I think this is the best of yours I have read so far. Well done!

passion flower
hangs on wooden trellis
crucified

As I said, I don’t think the subject matter is a problem here. (But look at the tontoism! Help!) Perhaps the too obvious connection of “passion?” Also, please note that it is only one image, with the third line a conclusion, really. Compare this with the following two haiku on Christian subjects by contemporary master Akito Arima (in translation):

a cherry:
Mary coaxes it
from Joseph

Notice Akito has taken the fruit from the garden of eden and replaced it with one with considerable erotic charge. Notice also that he has reversed the direction of the fruit. Something new to consider about the Holy Family!
Another:

theologians:
spitting watermelon seeds
in unison

See what I mean? And one more by a western writer with a totally different mood:

forgotten for today
by the one true god
autumn mosquito Steven LeRoy

Not so obvious: this is a 9-11 haiku.

Blah, blah, blah . . . enough for now!

Lee

Victoria,

If you have only done a few of these, you are doing pretty well. Only think I would suggest to change is the period in the last line to a colon. And perhaps the dash to an ellipsis.

Don’t see any sins here. (The eyes before the cat are the key, I believe.) It seems to be presented in the order of perception, allowing us to experience what you experienced.

Yes, it titled black cat it would be a different poem—nothing for the reader to discover.

Lee

Renate,

Not too bad for the first time! I think “ignite” is OK here. On the other, do you really need “autumn?” As far as I know, it is almost always when school begins in the west. In other words, if not otherwise stated, e.g., “winter term” autumn is implied, perhaps? As some of you may know, in Japan it begins in April! Also, no need to capitalize autumn, is there?

Let’s see some more!

Lee

Thank you, again, Lee. I do see what you mean. I committed another Tontoism! Yikes!

I also understand the bit about the mini-series haiku. My concubine was one of those. You did not garner from it that she opened herself to the Emperor while his wife slept? Ack! A mini-series, for sure...never mind...lol.

I'm happy the finches planted some of their kisses on you.

The passion flower, with all the lore behind it, hanging on a wooden cross trellis with its head down, did spur that haiku. I just need to find a way to say it, I guess. Or, perhaps I should say it in a different form, perhaps a cinquain...that might work. (excuse me while I think out loud)

Now I must stop slacking and re-visit this later. Your help is appreciated more than you can possibly know. Oh, and another thing--hearing how rare a good haiku is, has made me relax a bit. Hearing about the life-span of a poem published on the net as opposed to hard copy gave me the willies! LOL...

Kathy

Lee

You're doing a masterly job, and thank you!

You said In Japanese, one of the six (or is it seven, I forget) major categories of seasonal words is called “Gods and Buddhas.”

Which season are the "Gods and Buddhas"? Also, could you tell us the other categories?

I posted an attempt on May 2 at 3:58 pm but you must have missed it. The Aeolian harp is a soundbox with strings which makes music from the wind's vibration (often placed in a window), as you probably know. Any comment on that attempt at haiku?

Terese

Lee:

Fun experiment. Thanks for the feedback.

Tom

PS I had a good laugh about the BUSH/CHENEY sign.

[This message has been edited by nyctom (edited May 06, 2004).]

Therese,

Thanks for the kind words. I will try to continue to earn them!

In response to your questions . . .

You have made me go the to book case and get down the volume of R.H. Blythi’s HAIKU on “spring.” The seven categories of season words are:
The Season
Sky and Elements
Fields and Mountains
Gods and Buddhas
Human Affairs
Birds and Beasts
Trees and Flowers

Please note that there are season words for all of the seasons in each category. In this spring volume, he quotes haiku with the following seasonal expressions (in part):

The Season
spring begins
the spring day
tranquility
spring evening
Sky and Elements
frost
the spring moon
the spring breeze
spring rain
Fields and Mountains
remaining snow
the spring sea
Gods and Buddhas
the shrine of Ise
the Nirvana picture
Human Affairs
the dolls’ festival
kites
the ebb-tide shell gathering
tilling the field
closing the fireplace
Birds and Beasts
skylarks
cranes
horseflies
mud snails
cats in love
frogs
Trees and Flowers
camellias
plum blossoms
cherry blossoms
shepherd’s purse
violets


You might be interested to hear that about 20 years ago a Japanese poet named Yagi Kametaro made an informal survey of season words and reported that the largest group was “human affairs.” This ought to put to rest the idea that haiku are “about” nature.

Of course, many of the seasonal expressions used in Japanese haiku are not appropriate to our haiku, but some are. (“kite flying” for instance.) Contemporary English-language haiku try to avoid being imitative of Japanese haiku. On the other hand, we have much to learn of seasonal consciousness from them. If we were to make our own “Gods and Buddhas” list for spring, it would include such obvious things as Easter and Passover, Good Friday, etc. We had a great essay on Japanese seasonal consciousness in the last issue of Modern Haiku, but I am afraid it is not up on our website. But there is an essay on Korean-Japanese haiku which you might find interesting. (http://www.modernhaiku.org/essays/Ko...neseHaiku.html)

As to the Aeolian harp, thanks for the update, but I actually did know what it was. If I must comment I guess I would say that I don’t see a close enough relationship between the images to find that they relate for me poetically. Not clear enough who is collecting seedpods or why, I guess, though I confess I might be missing something obvious. (Perhaps you could explain what you had in mind?) Also, I find the relationship of the first and second lines a bit awkward . . . think it might be better with “harp’s” and no punctuation at the end of the first line. Sorry not to have more positive to say about it.

Lee

Thanks Lee, I see it is a delicate balance. You have
increased my appreciation for haiku enormously.
While it's fun trying to write one, reading them is
so much more enjoyable. Some of them are like little
explosions in the brain.
Yes, afer posting I realised the flaws in the second
poem, and that the first section was not really an image.

Rewrite:

four hundred children
chatter—crisp chalk
fresh blackboards

Renate

Just as we still have traditionalists in western poetry, I am told there remain some traditionalists in haiku who write more or less in the old style. I am told, also, that schools and colleges still teach courses in the classical Japanese literary language. Therefore, I hope a reference to the distant roots of haiku, to the seasonal poems found in the great Man'yoshuu, Kokinshuu, Shin Kokinshuu and other collections of the seventh through the thirteenth centuries, and even an attempt at an old-fashioned example, may not be completely out of place.


In the autumn rain
abroad in a strange country
grass for pillow.
_______________________


akisame ni
tabi-no-sora no de
kusa-makura

G/W




[This message has been edited by Golias (edited May 07, 2004).]

Hello, Lee, and many thanks for these interesting threads.

Whatever one’s view of haiku and other oriental forms in English, I’m sure wrestling with their demands can be a useful exercise in economy of effect, at the least. In the same way, I think, fiction writers can benefit from the exercise of attempting ultra-short stories even if they don't care for microfiction as a form.


Last frangipanis,
tyre-bruised, mingle their fragrance
with army diesel fumes


I can’t resist it: do you think I’m OK putting in “my two scents” in lieu of two explicit images?

I had a “The” at the beginning, but — Tontoism or not — I think I prefer it without. Perhaps it’s the echo of “last orders” and “last rites”. In my first shy I had frangipanis:/tyre-bruised, mingling; the “cut” was probably better, but the flow seems more natural in the above.

And Lo, Blue Ridge is an absolute gem!




[This message has been edited by Henry Quince (edited May 06, 2004).]

Middle of the night over there, early evening here... Nobody up and about? Then I’ll have to play by myself!

This miniaturism gets under the skin and could easily become compulsive. “Normal” verse begins to seem long and laboured.

bare apple trees...
still in my obstinate heart
spring strawberries ripen
----------------------------

a wren drops frozen...
the bough she clung to sends
white wreathlets after
----------------------------

while tired horses steam
Tonto drink from icy river:
Keemasabi same!
----------------------------

Lee

The categories of season words are a revealing addition to your teaching here. They give a great deal of direction. Thanks very much for your reply.

Members note: the indentations in Lee's lists don't show up in this thread but they're visible when using the quote function on a reply or when transferred to Word.

Even the "Human affairs" list is so bucolic, one has to wonder how much contemporary life has strayed from the "human," at least by these standards.

As for the haiku I posted, you're right about the punctuation and adding the possessive; the improvement is evident, and thank you!

Aeolian harp's
wind-played song—
collecting seedpods

My meaning was this: the music is like the wind-blown seedpods collecting near the harp in the window. But the other seedpods are those in the mind of the listener, made by the harp's music and blossoming in the mind. I suppose that's elusive, like the music made by an Aeolian harp.

Thanks again for your generous teachings.

Terese

Thanks Lee, for your time and guidance through this wonderful thread. There are so many haiku here. I'm out of my league, but I couldn't resist taking a stab at it.
Regards,
Donna


caterpillars eat
lacy patterns in oak leaves
--beautiful carnage

steaming foal on straw
mare rises, nickers softly
Cord breaks. Chord bonds

in the fenced yard
cottontails graze the clover
the dog is dead

thunderstorm passes
broken robin’s egg
alive with red ants

Fivefootone, those are wonderful, seeing as they do, into the heart of things. I sent Lee an email this morning, recalling Tomasaburo's debut at the Kennedy Center twenty years ago in DC, and it insisted on becoming a tanka:

Takes One to Know One

Flowers in a dressing room
where Liv Ullman tells
Tomasaburo Bando:
“You are the greatest
tragic actress on the stage.”

Thanks Tim! That was a nice compliment, and a great contribution to the thread. Enjoyed the smile on both.
Regards,
Donna

Renate—
I think each version of you haiku has its virtues. I guess overall, I like the second better, though I am not certain the images are in the best order.

Yes, reading can be more interesting than writing—and a whole lot less frustrating! I might go as far as to suggest that if one does not take pleasure in reading haiku, it is unlikely one will be able to write worthwhile poems of this sort.

Lee

G/W—

There are several issues here. Yes, there are traditionalists in Japanese haiku. There are three big organizations in Japan. One is traditional, maintaining the standards of fixed form and a seasonal reference, one is fairly radical, allowing for keywords in place of seasonal words and a looser adherence to fixed form, and one is “middle of the road.” That said, it is important to understand that “traditional” is not equivalent to “throwback.”

As you observe, there are many seasonal poems in the Man'yoshuu, Kokinshuu, Shin Kokinshuu and other anthologies. None, however are haiku. Most are waka (tanka) which have a completely different mood and posture than haiku. Almost all were composed by members of the Imperial court. Haiku, on the other hand, developed specifically in opposition to courtly poetry.

Lee

Henry—
Like your frangipanis! Of course you scents are images! The most common images in haiku are literal images of the senses. most often sight, but all the other senses are valued. Often the most interesting haiku are those that present images of two different senses in the two images.
Leaving “the “ off the beginning of the haiku is not a tontoism at all. I try to avoid beginning a haiku with an article or preposition or other weak word. The poem is short—let’s get to it!

Yes, I agree, Blue Ridge IS a gem.

Lee

Henry—
Finally done with work and some chores, so I have the pleasure of responding to your haiku.

Yes, they do get under the skin. I don’t presume to suggest they should ever replace any other kinds of poems—each has its charm and its use. Like many, I wish that I were more talented than I am, but not being talented in many ways allows me the pleasure of others’ gifts.

I like your “apple trees” but wonder if “ripening” might be better? Also, in the haiku way of seeing things, “spring” is unnecessary here—it is implied. For example, “rose” would be a summer season word. If you wanted to suggest another season, you would then have to include it, e.g., “winter rose.”

Respectfully suggest that your “wrens” is a bit too busy.
And as for the third, simply a gem of Tonto and Tontoism!

Lee

above fish water
splashes in rain clouds foaming
sunless green below

Fivefootone—

Hey, we’re all out of our league!

I thing the second and fourth (especially the fourth) are the best. The first is marred by a third line that is simply commentary, the third by a third line that is too bald a statement. Of the possible relationships between the images, "cause and effect" is probably the least effective.

Not bad for the first time!

Sixfoottwo