In making such a hypothoses
I think Mr. Slater forgets
without an impassioned rhinoceress
there'd be no rhinocerets.

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
don't take it for a hippopotamus:
the rhino has the big probosceres,
the hippo's more wide at the bottomus.

WHENEVER YOU SEE A RHINOCEROS

Whenever you see a rhinoceros at large,
**stand before the creature,
and contemplate its celebrated feature.
**The herbivore won’t charge.

Whenever you see a rhinoceros, you’ll know
**you’re either dreaming or
watching an antiquated movie, for
**there are none left to grow

that thorn which was no aphrodisiac.
**If you see a rhinoceros,
you’ll soon enough awaken on a bus
**or a train on the wrong track,

a track which leads far back in time to when
**a creature weighing tons
could roam without the hazard of some guns
**in the hands of clueless men.

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
and you've gotten lost, my dear tourist,
you're probably not in the Galapagos,
more likely a tropical forest.


omigod! I can't stop!:eek:

Sex with a rhinoceress?
  They're big-nosed, fat and nasty.
I'm sure I would refuse unless
  they gave her rhinoplasty.

Dorothy: Your majesty, if you were king, you wouldn't be afraid of anything?

Cowardly lion: Not nobody. Not nohow.

Tin woodsman: not even a rhinoceros?

Cowardly lion: Imposerous!

Dorothy: Supposing you met an elephant?

Cowardly lion: I'd wrap him up in cellophant.

Dorothy: What about a hippopotamus?

Cowardly lion: i'd thrash him from top to bottomus.

Scarecrow: What if it were a brontosaurus?

Cowardly lion: I'd show him who was king of the forest.


LISTEN

I believe Sam is thinking of Ogden Nash:

Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros.
I'll stare at something less proposerous.

DISAPPOINTED RHINOS

The dentists gave their top award
  and named the world's best flosser: us!
Behold two weeping tons of lard
  whenever you see a rhinoceros.

Just for the record, I think the exchange between Roger and Marion should be preserved & submitted to next year's Umbrella. Really.

LOOK UP AT THE DARK

Guess who went in a flying saucer? Us:
**a pair of ungulates. Weird creatures
ran tests to see what sort of beast we were.
**They scanned our horns, then let us go.
Don’t ask us, please, what they desired to know.
**The thing was too much of a blur
to tell you what they looked like. But some features
**had quirks of a rhinoceros:

Their skin was thick as a walnut shell, their smell
**bloodhound-keen, but eyes bat-poor.
Their glasses were as thick as redwood bark.
**But they used a cup and saucer. Us?
We drink from water holes. We cannot tell
**you more. We hopped back in their door
to tour the stars. So look up at the dark
**whenever you see a rhinoceros!

M. J. E.

That would be great.

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
You may ask who it was took your orders
And likely lay blame on the boss or us
Here at Greater Botswana Exporters.

The boss will attempt to dissimulate
And will lay it on us here below him;
His management style doesn't stimulate,
Say we, who don't love him but know him.

You ordered, in fact, hippopatomi--
Not just one but a brace of them, two-ed up.
The error's not here at the bottom; I
Am sure it's the top who has screwed up.

So we're packing them off to you presently
In a crate, both the hippos and boss-man.
We are sure you'll receive them all pleasantly.
It's your gain, and we'll write off the loss, man.

This is absolutely brilliant, Sam.

I agree, if that doesn't win, I'll ask for my money back.

Naturalist's Guide to Large Animals*

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
note its size from the tusk to the tail.
It's huge, yes, but not as colosseros
as the elephant, T. Rex or whale.

*I'm starting a sequence.

I was hoping to have colosseros, my own little baby, in spite of its pretensions, all to myself.
At least for a while.

When shopping for full-figured gals,
the place to go is Bras-R-Us.
Their sizes range from Extra Large
to Overweight Rhinoceros.

John,

I'm not sure how many poems we are allowed to send in. Is it just one or can we send as many as we like? Do you know?

Martin

I think you can send in as many as you like. What the great man Bill Greenwell does is to use pseudonyms. In fact I have won with a pseudonym, though that was long ago. Of course, if you do, you must put in your proper name and address as well so that the cheque is made out to you when you win. I is said that an old hand whose (pseudonymous) name was Martin Fagg, once won all six of the prizes with six different entries, all under different names. I have a couple of pseudonyms, Phoebe Flood and Fergus Pickering, that I sometimes use. Phoebe is good for entering those disgraceful competitions that allow only women to participate. (I'm joking. Of course I am). I used Fergus to translate Greek poems of a disgusting nature.

Beware

Provoked, her sharp tongue could fetch off your skin;
strip flesh to bare bone. When barbing to fight
she'll sharpen her horn on a stone then spin
it into your belly. That's quite a sight!
So -- care with your shot, Mr Acerous,
whenever you see a rhinocerous.

Hi John. Thanks for putting up this thread. My muse has been away for far too long and was in desperate need of the exercise.

Jim,
If I plagiarized colosseros, it must have been unconscierous.
(If it makes any difference, I used it as an adjective and you used it as a noun.)
Marion

Bras-R-Us!!! :D If that doesn't win, I'll cancel my subscription. (if I had one, that is).

OK, this is my last one!

Poet's Guide to Hard-to-Rhyme Names of Large Animals

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
is a word you can’t rhyme, stick with 'rhino'.
As for finding a rhyme for diplodocus,
you might want to substitute 'dino'.


Attachment 128

The End

Thanks, Marion, but I couldn't manage to use the required line "Whenever you see a rhinoceros," so I don't think this is eligible.

Noun or adjective Marion the original coinage is mine, I suppose I should be flattered that it so unconscierosly registered with you.

Maybe you could sell it to Playtex.

Hey, Bob
How's this?

When ever you see a rhinoceros
in search of a bra, tell her: "Seek it
in the rhino department of Bras-R-Us,
and not at Victoria's Secret."

I like it, Marion! Want to enter that as partners?

Sure! Should we use a pseudonym?

Marion Slater?
Roger Shore?
Marion Rogers?
Roger Marion?
Bill Greenwell?

Jim Hayes?

R. U. Shore
I. M. Shore
C. Shore

Though perhaps we should form a holding company, something like "Shore and Schechter Artistic Enterprises Extraordinaire, Ltd." We could incorporate in the Cayman Islands to avoid income tax on the prize money. Maybe we should call it, "Schechter and Shore, Off Shore, Ltd." We could then hire Jim to write all our future entries, though I'm afraid we might have to pay him a 15% commission just to keep him incentivized.

Go ahead and submit it under any name you choose.

Off Shore and On the Bob?

MY UNCLE

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
don’t think of the weight of the creature,
but observe its most prominent feature:
a proboscis that looks like a wascerous.

A wascerous is the great nose
on my uncle, who once was a whale
that became a pet dog (an Airedale)
that became a Chimera, whose clothes

resemble the skin of a rhino.
Some poachers once shot him, but he,
being tough as an oak, served them tea.
Since then he’s become quite a wino.

He romps with large creatures for fun,
he tramps across jungles and plains,
he travels through space, yet refrains
from dates with beasts less than a ton.

'Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.'
~ Kellog Albran

To catch a rhinoceros: first, fill a large saucerous
with pumpkin and apricot pie.

(It sends them to sleeping with never a peeping
nor even a snoozy 'goodbye'.)

Then toss up a tether of serious leather
round the neck of your rhinoceri.

I'd recommend waiting till his breath is abating
and snores start to rattle the sky.

For rhinoceroses throw terrible fusses
when you get their skin wrinkles awry.

Now whisper your name in the ear of the same
and climb somewhere very up-high,

and hang on for your life 'cause Rhinocerous Wife
is coming with squash in her eye.

It's true what they tell us, she's always been jealous -
let Sleeping Rhinocerous lie!

MR. POE'S LESS CELEBRATED POEM, "THE RHINO"

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
In the ghoul-haunted Woodlands of Wier,
Lay your head on his rugged probosceros
And shed an auriferous tear
For Ulalume and Annabelle Lee
And other fair maidens beloved by me
Now lying dead in the amaranth lea,
Whenever you see a rhinoceros O,
Whenever you see a rhinoceros.

Whenever you hear a rhinoceros,
By the dank tarn of Ober's deep lakes,
Lie down by his side in the phosphorous
And hark to the noises he makes;
For the rhino has a magnanimous roar
And when he sleeps, a mellifluous snore
That makes me think of my lost Lenore,
Whenever I hear a rhinoceros O,
Whenever I hear a rhinoceros.

Gail

For yours not to win seems imposserus--
if it doesn't, I'll eat a rhinoceros!
(Poor Poe's turning in his sarcophagus!)

This guy found out about our poems.

Everybody's a critic.

Hee. Gail, that's great.
I didn't manage the 'whenever you see' bit; ah well.

This posting is rated PS<5 (not recommended for anyone above preschool age)
 

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
in your path, my friend, here's the scoop:
proceed with as much care as posserous,
lest you step in rhinoceros poop.


Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
beware of its hindermost part,
for you might find the air rather noxierous
if you get downwind of his fart.


sorry:p

Whenever you see a rhinocerous
who wants you to join him, by chance,
thank him for his kindly offerous
and ask him if he means "to dance?".

You'd need to be awfully cautiourous
when getting up onto the floor
you're octopus NOT a rhinocerous,
your eight limbs might trip up his four.

what fun!

WHENEVER YOU SEE A RHINOCEROS

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
cavorting in the Rhine
and ask him how "das Wasser ist,"
he'll answer you, "It's fine."

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
who's bathing in the Po,
don't ask him how "das Wasser ist."
He simply will not know.

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
relaxing in the Seine
and ask him how "das Wasser ist,"
he'll answer, "Come again?"

Only German rhinos know
the meaning of "das Wasser ist."
That's something you should keep in mind
whenever you see a rhinoceros.