My pleasure, Donna. More thoughts below . . .

thunderheads bloom
prairie dust rises
to meet the rain

i respectfully suggest that "bloom" might be too lyrical here and so work against the mood of the piece as a whole?

distant thunder
prairie dust rises
to meet the rain

much better. but please also try working morre with the thunderheads?

switchgrass bows
to the breeze
seeds scatter

I like it through the second line, but the third line makes it merely "cause and effect" which is generally a weak sort of link in haiku

overdue rain
pounds thistledown
into cracked dirt

good image, but continuous and so not tension can develop.


Hope some of this helps!

Lee

Has an interesting ambiguity . . . i think this is one of your better ones.

Lee

I am happy to read that, and grateful for your thoughtful comments on Higginson. I know it must be hard to put it in a few words, and it is generous of you to share your personal reflections.

O.K., let me try this one again with a new middle line:


Chilly morning wind
long after morning has passed --
the fog didn't lift.


Here are two new ones fresh from the redwoods:


Knowing they're still green,
even when I can't see them --
the redwoods at night.


Stepping just beyond
the shadow of the redwoods,
I notice the sun.


A few less fresh ones that I wonder about:


The bear and her cub
turn their noses to the air --
my blueberry scone.


The calving glacier
echoes like cannon fire;
seal pups keep sleeping.


After crashing here,
a wave from a foreign shore
slips back out to sea.


Millions of decades
of summers in the making --
this sand in my toes.


And three that might be senyru(?):


Surrounded by trees,
a vacationing artist
sketches a cabin.


Flushing the toilet,
I drown out the trumpeter --
morning reveille.


The professor's voice,
after jarring me awake,
lulls me back to sleep.


Thanks again,

David R.

Hi Lee! I know you are leaving us very soon now. I would appreciate if you could honestly tell me if any life-spark is coming through yet in this little group.


steam rising
from a tea-cup
4am


an old woman
bending slow
native grasses


warm breath
on the glass
moon in the day


your head
on my breast
moon at noon


from leaf to cloud
cloud to leaf ...
a fish leaps

Cally

Lee - - this began as a jumble of thoughts, then a sentence of just over 100 words, then compacted as follows. Your crit appreciated, thanks.

.
a fresh mound
barely cold
earthworms charged

---------


Cally - I very much enjoyed the breath on the glass!
David R - your professor: innit just!

[This message has been edited by Seree Zohar (edited October 20, 2008).]

Hi Cally I’m glad someone liked one of my poems..
what I find interesting is how just changing the order of the words/lines an idea is changed enhanced -- look,


native grasses
bending slow
an old woman


on my breast
moon at noon
your head

from leaf to cloud
cloud to leaf ...
a fish leaps

I am very taken with this last one


STEPHEN--

It would be really good is if a dedicated forum can be opened just for Haiku and all her cousins. I am really enjoying the open handed approach in this thread. it is very refreshing

small windows into others minds. it's magic --~~ henie




[This message has been edited by Henrietta kelly (edited October 20, 2008).]

Seree that is a sad poem and it works for me

a fresh mound
barely cold
earthworms charged

Hen - the thing is, the image of the leech and the vanilla bean triggered a reaction in me. A memorable juxtaposition, and seems to have loosened a memory in me!

And - wow - I do like what you have done to my 'grass' woman. I prefer it your way - it seems to have more impact, with the woman in the third line. You're right. With the 'moon at noon' - I agree, that one is well worth playing with the line order. I'll play with all the combinations. See what Lee thinks.

And I agree with your plea to our captain, STEPHEN! This forum is the best place to be - it feels, as Henie put it so well, openhanded. A real workshop, with everyone pitching in and helping - like being in a sandpit with all your mates when you were a little kid.

I will be so sad when this ends. Please, don't make me sad!

Also, Seree, this is my favourite of yours so far. Well done on the compression and sifting process to get it down to this! I love how the word 'charged' creates an energy. It sounds electric and voracious at the same time.


Cally

PS Steve - I forgot to thank you for 'in the moonlight a worm' - the 'ku and the site. That site is actually great, not just for school kids, but haiku infants like me! I'm enjoying it.

And I am prepared to up the bidding to $00.20 for the artwork, on condition that the artist keep feeding all of us little 'cats in love' with tasty 're-sauces'!!


edited back - I have just seen that Henie has already pushed the bid up to twenty bucks! I'll have to consider my next offer - 'twould be pushing my resources!!



[This message has been edited by Cally Conan-Davies (edited October 20, 2008).]

Thank you, Lee. I rather like the ambiguity as well, the paradox of a star in a solstice morning, before the (star-marked)horse enters and creates a double entendre.

Hehe I love auctions, and if I win he’ll my crit slave for life.