Looks like a case for Henry James meets Sid James. I'm not a fan of either, so I'll leave it in your more capable hands.

Originally Posted by Jerome Betts
George, a jolly enjoyable wheeze, but I was brought up short by 'bonking' which seems out of register with the rest, as well as anachronistically modern.


How about 'swiving'? An under-used verb, I feel.

Oh swive, my error.

Thanks. I had doubts about 'bonking', myself.
'Swiving' I always associate with Chaucer, so is somewhat early. Maybe I'll take a look in Walter's 'My Secret Life' and find a Victorian synonym. He has some very expressive sexual words. 'Gamahuching', for example, though that would probably not fit this particular case.

Well, the competition does say "your own racy retelling". It's not clear whether they're looking for strict parody, in which case "bonking" would be out, or a sexed-up style as well as storyline.

Probably safer, though, to assume the former.

How about something like "disporting herself as wildly and as merrily as her delicate frame would allow"?

'indulging her festive proclivities' ?

This could turn into a competition in its own right.

Little Dorrit contains the following:

Mr F.'s Aunt persisted in replying, 'Bring him for'ard and I'll chuck him out o' winder!' Having reiterated this demand an immense number of times, with a sustained glare of defiance at Little Dorrit, Mr F.'s Aunt folded her arms, and sat down in the corner of the pie-shop parlour; steadfastly refusing to budge until such time as 'he' should have been 'brought for'ard,' and the chucking portion of his destiny accomplished.

I suppose that in this instance, "and thus the fucking portion of her destiny was accomplished" might be considered a good Dickensian phrase ... or perhaps not.

I wonder what they would think of Steerforth seducing David Copperfield.

But I thought he did. It wasn't as if the Victorians (male) didn't know about al this. Read Disraeli 'Contarini Fleming'. It was just that ladies were beautifully ignorant of sex. Ah...

A new establishment had opened, curiously named “The Highbury Nookery”, which purported to be a club for discerning gentlemen. Mr Knightley, believing himself to be such a person, decided to visit it; whereupon, to his great astonishment, he was presented to a delectable young lady with an abundance of long flaxen ringlets, whose name was Emma, and who was to be his companion for the evening. They were shewn into a private sitting-room. Uncertain as to what was expected of him, Mr Knightley enquired: “Pray tell me, Miss Emma, are you a good girl?” Emma smiled shyly and replied: “Oh sir, indeed I am not!” Before his incredulous eyes, she began to disrobe, and as the last undergarment was shed, Mr Knightley’s gaze could not but be drawn to that which was revealed. “I am delighted to observe”, he stammered at last, “that you are truly of the fair sex.”

(“Emmancipated”, after Jane Austen)