“Speak, O toothless one!” That incantation (uttered by a schoolmate as I loudly expelled flatus on my second day in Kindergarten) kindled my lifelong passion for the human anus.

Decades of study and toil paid off with my becoming a Board Certified Proctologist at age 32. Three years later, a series of malicious and unfounded morals charges led to the revocation of my medical license. This proved to be only a temporary setback; a blessing in disguise, actually.

Beginning in the steamy "back alleys" of Bangkok’s “wide open” sex market, I restarted my career as the world’s first Recreational Colonoscopist. Ten years later, with “Delbert Dingleberry’s Recreational Colonoscopy ” franchises in Las Vegas, Rome, Paris, and seventeen Middle Eastern cities, I control a multimillion dollar entertainment empire.

But, let’s open with an "in-depth" look at today’s Recreational Colonoscopy scene. A customer enters a Dingleberry’s center, and …

Cynthia Payne:

When police raided my Streatham home in 1978 they discovered a scene that would have made Caligula blush. Innumerable aristocrats, politicians, lawyers and television personalities were busy abasing themselves in some of the most sexually perverse ways imaginable, some taking on three or four nubile young women at once and shamelessly posing for Polaroids into the bargain. Looking back it seems incredible that I not only tolerated such behaviour in my own house but actively encouraged it! Be assured, gentle reader, that I now appreciate the wickedness of my former ways, and will not distress you with any further revelations of filth and depravity. The untold story of the Blue Peter presenter and the custard-filled wellies is now consigned forever to the dustbin of history; this memoir will deal only with my childhood in pre-War Bognor and my recent conversion to Christianity.

“The first five volumes of my memoirs covered, respectively, genealogy (illuminated by modern ethnogeographical genetic analyses, linked with prehistoric and historical milestones); the events in my parents’ lives culminating in successful accomplishment of my conception; details of my gestation, delivery and much else I have ascertained of those days in maternity hospital with Mother- enumerating involvement of staff, Father and visitors, with comprehensive reconstructed conversations; our homecoming to a farm cottage in the Cotswolds (shared with dog, cats, chickens, assorted rodents)- delineating our household sleeping patterns there, the training regime by which I mastered the potty, and early adventures through crawling to first toddling; fifthly, my progression to walking, acquiring basic but fluent, evocative speech (of which anecdotes abound!)
I now move on to describe nursery: the intense pangs of maternal separation (overcome); scholastic and competitive rigour (embraced); and my first dealings with extra-familial authority figures (problematic to this day).”