Eratosphere - Night Call

Eratosphere (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/index.php)

- Non-Metrical Poetry (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/forumdisplay.php?f=14)

- - Night Call (https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showthread.php?t=35601)

It would seem that you're not inviting further comments on this, John, but I will just say that I like it a lot. It has a mythic feel that reminds me of something else - something good, for sure - which I just can't place at the moment.

The only thing I don't much like is the internal rhyming in L5, but no one else has mentioned that. So probably nothing to worry about.

Cheers

David

Quote:

Originally Posted by John Riley (Post 496429)

Revision II

Night Call

In the night, in the fog,
at the city creek's bridge rail
I begin to sing

Every long sound from my throat
shifts the trees as birds flee
I feel them wondering why is there such a song here

I sing on through the night
Across the way, people come out of homes
Some cry and hold out their arms,
some bring sleepy children to hear the song

Others, of course, are upset
that their night has been changed from a hush
to hearing the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call

A minor nit but I like it a touch better without the periods. It's lines are very poetic and well structured, and I think they can stand alone without too much punctuation.

IMO, the periods give it a this is literature feel, this is a sentence, this is the end of a paragraph etc. To me they distract, don't add, in this one.

Thanks, Nick. I'll certainly consider that.