Hi David

I'd like to see what you do, one day, with the poem I thought I was reading.
Are you my muse? Is that what this is?

Hi Carl,
thanks for the examples.

How about

It's said that they call it "The Nuthouse."
So, you scurry right on past.

And if headlessness still bothers, consider it as

It's said that they call it "The Nut-
house." So, you scurry right on past.

RG.

How about:

Word is they call it the "Nuthouse"

it's maybe more in voice that "it is said"

-Matt

Hi Matt.
Thanks for the feedback, most helpful..

Maybe the word's better know in the UK?
Possibly we're just more squirrel obsessed over here. Grey invaders and all that.
I think it'd be a shame to lose the title. Plus it nicely sets up and works well with part about squirrel nesting in their heads.
Quite.

A couple of metrical things:
Yes, Carl beat you to this punch.

Word is they call it the "Nuthouse"
Oddly, I'm not sure about 'word' (feels ever so slightly off for some reason. Though its implicit 'street' might link to the 'long road'.)

it's maybe more in voice that "it is said"
Hmm ... I may be some time

I don't really hear this as iambic tetrameter:
Maybe something like
the drawers of cunning master plans
?

Just wondered if this could be more squirrel-themed. It seems a little generic.
Will ponder (but I am keen on slow twilight for some reason.)

This confused me a little:
How about

The feeders, filled at such a cost,
they can't forget and so remember
how it was they fought across
the Washing Line, the Borders' Edge.
Those Rubicons which led to woods
of squirrels nesting in their heads.
?

Incidentally, shouldn't it "Border's Edge" or "Borders' Edges"? Can multiple borders have a single edge?
D'oh!

At the close, I wonder if an 8 word slogan would work better, so that you get a full line of tetrameter and, to my ear, a more solid closing line. "All that we did ..."? and then maybe something like "eight short words" two lines above?
I'd want 'eight little words' but ...
I'm wrestling with that 'all'. Will let it stew for a while.
Until then,
What We Did 𓅪 Was For The Birds.

Thanks again.


RG.

Hi Richard,

"slow twilight" is nice. I think it was the end of the road part that seemed a maybe a little "off the peg" and perhaps better replaced with something squirrelified. Hard to think of squirrel analogue though, unless you can maybe get "tail end" in somehow? "slow twilight at the day's tail end", maybe?

Good job you didn't take my "Word is .." suggestion. It was only three beats ...

Matt

Hi Matt.

Thanks for returning, and the suggestions.

I think it was the end of the road part that seemed a maybe a little "off the peg"
Ah, I was hoping it might have a touch of Napoleon's retreat from Moscow about it. 'Tail's end' may require a shoehorn, will ponder.

Alternatives:

S2/L3: "The Nuthouse" is a local legend / is a place of legend
.............one you scurry right on past.

S3/L2: the notebooks full of diagrams (cunning plans being too Baldrick.)

S5/L4: reads, What We Did Was For The Birds.


RG

.

S2L3 it fixes the metre, and I like the "legend" aspect. Though you maybe lose a little bit of the causal connection, i.e. that you scurry past because it's called the nuthouse -- or at least, that's not as strongly spelled out.

Another possibility might be:

The locals call this place the "Nuthouse"

though I guess then it's ambiguous as to whether the locals are those who drink there, or those don't but live in the locality.

Or maybe:

You've heard folks call this place the "Nuthouse"

or "some" instead of "folks", if you want the possibility that "you" is a squirrel, and "folks" is too human.

S3L2 "the notebooks full of diagrams"

I like this, it's a slightly clearer image somehow.

There might be something stronger / less expected than "full of". "crammed with" gives an internal rhyme. Or "dark with diagrams" maybe -- suggesting dark schemes, and the page darkened by lots of ink. Whether you can cram diagrams into a notebook I'm not sure. I guess "the desk drawers crammed with diagrams" ("shed drawers"?) is an option, too.

S5L4, yup, that works for me.

Matt

Hi Matt.

S2L3 it fixes the metre, and I like the "legend" aspect. Though you maybe lose a little bit of the causal connection,
Yeah, I don't think I've (ahem) cracked this yet.
It's rumoured they call it "The Nuthouse"
?

though I guess then it's ambiguous as to whether the locals are those who drink there, or those don't but live in the locality.
I couldn't make 'local' work either
In local lore it's called "The Nuthouse"
and substituting it with 'regulars' went nowhere. There's also a 'sometimes you want to go / where everybody knows your name' temptation.

S3L2 I like this, it's a slightly clearer image somehow.
A little less overblown, a little more believable perhaps?

Or "dark with diagrams" maybe
You don't think the list, by itself, is sufficient to convey that?

"shed drawers"?
Yes, very tempted to get a shed in there somehow. But do sheds come with drawers?
Maybe
the shed walls pinned with master plans
or something? That said, not everyone might have a shed, but a notebook ...? That's growing on me.

S5L4, yup, that works for me.
Done!

Thanks again.

RG.

PS...In recognition that it might not be possible to save 'The Nuthouse', perhaps
They've karaoke twice a week.
But, every day you scurry past.


.

Hi Richard,

I don't see any record of edits and don't know if this has changed from my initial reading. With all of the exchange between you and Matt, I assume it has. Anyway, I thought I'd run something past you, even though things are looking pretty good as is. What about:


those veterans of the [varmint (or) rodent (or) vermin] Wars.

[Squirrel] baffles, spinners, cages, wires,


Would something like that avoid potential reader confusion? Also, I haven't read all the commentary and am sorry if this is redundant, but is squirrel pronounced with two syllables in the UK?

All the best,
Jim

Richard,

I like the maps pinned on shed walls. I could imagine a military command centre or bunker, and so it works well the military campaign motif elsewhere in the poem. I don't think it matters if they don't all own sheds, some surely will. (Likely, most, is my prejudice!)

Jim,

"squirrel" is two syllables in the UK, or least, in mainstream pronunciations.

I don't think Richard's committed to any changes yet, at least, not enough to edit them in.


-Matt

Hi Jim,
I do like "varmint" (sadly, it doesn't work in my accent.) Will ponder rodent. In the meantime ...

Hi Matt.

(Likely, most, is my prejudice!)
I've been trying to avoid my own on the subject. Tricky.

... revision posted.

Thanks.
RG.