I've been very slothful; here's my sole attempt:

Oh my, I can’t praise gluttony enough.
I love to eat and eat, to gorge, to stuff
myself until I’m bursting at the seams.
Mmm… fresh cream doughnuts occupy my dreams.

There’s nothing wrong with me. I like my food,
that’s all. Some people can be very rude:
They stare at me and comment that I’m fat.
(As if I’d be put off by things like that.)

I count the hours – no, minutes – from the end
of one meal to the next. I won’t pretend
that I can be abstemious – no way!
Oh look, it’s dinnertime again. Hooray.

Yes, pigging out is just the thing for me.
My raison d’etre? Gluttony. Yippeee!

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
and in between
let's burn with lust.

Of mortal sins I've had my fill,
and yet I'm wanting more,
which proves that I'm a glutton still.
I've cleaned my plate. Encore!

GREED

Of all the deadly sins there are
my favorite one is greed.
It motivates me in my work
and serves a greater need.
Without it, currency would fail,
economies collapse.
Instead of taking chances we
would stay home and take naps,
and no one would invent a thing
or plant a single seed,
or harvest crops, or sell us food,
if not for simple greed.
So next time someone tells you greed
will land your ass in Hell,
explain to them they'll starve to death
if that's the crap they sell.

I say the Romans got it right
back in the days of yore:
they ate and ate until they barfed
and then came back for more.

Like them I worship gluttony;
I eat both fat and lean;
I live for breakfast, dinner, lunch,
and all snacks in between.

My gluttony's on a cosmic scale,
it passes understanding,
because just like the universe
I'm constantly expanding.

Eat, drink and be merry.
Drink and be merry, then eat.
Be merrily eating and drinking.
And after you're finished, repeat.

Wrath


Anger is underrated
as a sin.
It’s the daddy, the boss.

Let everyone be cross,
or at least irritated,
when I win.

Since money cannot buy me love
Or happiness, or health
I'm stuck with bloody avarice,
The love of cash itself.
And since I do not have a lot
Of cash to sit and count,
I have to count excessively
My miniscule amount.

Adrian, that's lovely. But it ought to be minuscule. You have perpetrated a vulgar error according to wikipedia.

Thanks, John. I'm sure that when they draw up the next seven deadly sins, vulgarity will be on it.

John

Though minuscule alone's a Carolingian script -
you'll find my pedantry vulgar that notices it.

With all this sin about, I thought confession after correction was appropriate.

Nigel

Alas, I won't go to Heaven either. But with all those posh people there I wouldn't feel comfortable. Hell's obviously a low pub with Sky Sports and Pork Scratchings. As they say, I can relate to that. Oh, and you can smoke there. Of course you can.

John, not only can you smoke there, you have to. Everyone is smoking in hell, without even lighting a cigarette.

Am I allowed Cuban cigars? Rolled on the thighs of beautiful Cuban women I am told.

Be careful not to by the cheaper kind that are rolled on the thighs of Cuban women who are merely somewhat attractive.

Nor the exploding kind courtesy of the US Government. All Cuban women are beautiful and highly educated or so I am told.

And beware of the very rough cigars that were rolled on the thighs of Cubist women.