Come to Stains
 

Come to Stains

You've walked on Chobham Common's plains,
you've wandered Thorpe Park for a day:
but these delights must fall away
as losers when compared to stains.
[Oh] Staines-cum-Staines-'on-Thames, where pains
dissolve as like the frost come May,
where tasteful types prefer to play
in God's own land; it never rains,
and him who comes, but seldom leaves,
shines brighter than one-hundred suns,
his listed pleasures come to sheaves.
And this is yours - no bated breath -
how sweet the gift that never runs
out. Come to Staines, enjoy your death.

Well, if I were judging the competition, then (apart from the fact that I would give myself a prize), I would allow "suns/sun's" and "May/may" since they are the same words, but not "stains/abstains".

But I'm not judging it, so Tessa may not only allow "abstains", but also fail to give me a prize.

P.S. Would bouts rimés be an acceptable substitute for May?

Thanks for all your efforts, Jayne.

I'm still trying to figure out if I should go with my "fixed" version, or perhaps stick with the original with the thought that I might actually get extra credit for coming up with "abstains" instead of "pains" (if the answer doesn't come back that it's strictly forbidden).

Hang in there, Bob! I'll report back the minute I hear anything :)

Jayne

PS I think you meant to put "coming up with "abstains" instead of "stains"

You can go with both, Roger. There is no limit to the number of entries you can send.

Possibly stupid questions from one who's never met The Oldie in person:

Are these contests explicitly or by precedent for exclusively HUMOROUS poems?

Are The Oldie's circulation, readership, and staff exclusively UK?

(I had fun writing my entry above--and am having fun struggling with attempt #2--but I'm wondering if I should even waste an e-stamp on sending 'em a maudlin sonnet on the Donner Party...)

Not exclusively, but humour helps. Some of the winners in this month's vegetables competition were not really humorous. I know Australians who get the Oldie, but most of the subscribers are British of course. And most are old, as you might expect.

Simon,
I enjoyed your "maudlin" sonnet on Donner Party. It made me think of Robert Service poetry, but on a more elevated (no pun intended) Keatsean plane.
I would suspect that the Donner Party story is known to educated Britons. PBS aired an excellent documentary on the Donner Party about 10 years ago, and maybe the BBC has run it.
So, why not submit it?

Thanks, John & Douglas. I did already submit, of course. I'm just looking in advance for a defensive rationalization as to why my (searing, American) brilliance doesn't take first prize. I actually did think of the rain in Spain, like Roger, but didn't try that poem; he has captured the territory now. I think maybe a comic effort on the Donner Party will be my third try. As Oedipus and Marx both knew, farce and tragedy are practically the same--not least when there's cannibalism.

A little boast from moi: I've increased the circulation of The Oldie some, by giving gift subscriptions to several US poets of my acquaintance, so the circulation of the magazine isn't wholly in the UK, Simon. The staff all work in their London office though.

Good luck with your entries.

As is my generous nature, if any of you 'over there' have success with an Oldie comp and you're not a subscriber, let me know your address and I'll post you a copy of the magazine with your winning poem in it! No, I'm not on commission, honestly :)
(You may also get one sent to you with your cheque, though cashing the cheque can be a problem; it might end up costing you more than the prize is actually worth.)

Jayne