Nursery Rhyme
 

George, Michael, Ian, Nigel,
And Boris (fitting name!)
Five somewhat useful idiots
All playing Putin's game.

But now another President
Has shot their fox, it's clear
The five deluded poodles
Should quietly disappear.

Texas cop: I’d beat a trans woman unconscious if she tried to share a bathroom with my daughter

North Carolina fight over transgender rights, bathroom bills could be coming to Texas


Tracy takes on the Transgenders

A lawman from Texas called Tracy
was recently heard to confess:
A man is a man is a man, see?
I don’t care if he’s wearing a dress.

So if ever I find a transgender
in a restroom while my daughter’s there,
I will take up my right to defend her,
and he'll wake up in intensive care,

Old Tracy was quick to take action,
stood guard at the Ladies' room door
I’ll put any tranny in traction,
was the oath that our brave Tracy swore.

Now Martha was manly of feature,
(and we all make mistakes, let’s be fair).
She was also a martial arts teacher.
Tracy woke up in intensive care.

He returned having learned from his failure;
his flawless new plan showed great flair:
Will you ladies please show your genitalia?
And he woke up in intensive care.

That night back at home after drinking,
in a moment of self-doubt and shame,
our policeman had gotten to thinking
that 'Tracy' was not a man’s name:

Oh God! I'm a trifle transgender,
and my poor daughter’s sitting right there.
So he beat himself up to defend her,
and he woke up in intensive care.

-----
penultimate line was: "So I'll do the right thing and defend her."

I'd welcome any feedback / critique -- assuming it's appropriate to ask for such on this thread -- as I'm trying to knock this into shape at speed. In particular I'm wondering it's clear what happens in the Martha verse, and also if the ending is clear. I could make the end clearer by having the penultimate line be: "So he beat himself up to defend her". But the subtlety seems preferable if it works.

Americans: do you call a women's public restroom it "the ladies" and if not, then what? Also, 'restroom' or 'bathroom'.

Thanks

Matt

The women's public restroom is called the "the ladies' room." We say both restroom and bathroom, except the former is a little more proper and appropriate to say in polite company or in a nice establishment (not that you can't get away easy enough saying "bathroom" though). At a nice restaurant, for instance, I would ask: where's the restroom? At a friend's house and in informal settings, not fine restaurants and the like, I might say where's the bathroom? Some might think this a fine distinction; though perhaps not a crucial point of etiquette, at least it does exist.

Thanks Erik,

So does that mean that the line: stood guard at the Ladies front door

is understandable? I guess I could italicize 'Ladies'. In the UK, single-sex public toilets are often referred to "The Gents" and "The Ladies", although that may be a little old fashioned now.

- Matt

You have "Ladies room" now in that line, which is what Americans say; whatever word you swapped to add "room", it works. No need then to do anything more to this epithet after you add an apostrophe, that is, to make Ladies possessive, it being those "womenfolks'" own room.
Best,
Erik

P.S. A slight nugget of cultural exchange. In the US, some there are who call the men's and women's restrooms the little girls' and little boys' room; and this, though as common as a diner, corny as a Rockwell painting, unoriginal as a forgery and folksy as a Sarah Palin, is intended as humour. Those who suffer themselves to say it often do so as if this commonplace were a clever thing that they themselves had just thought up. So much then for bathrooms.

A timely and amusing piece, Matt.

I think you need an apostrophe in the phrase Ladies' room.

The article seems to be missing in this line:

xxthat 'Tracy' was not a man’s name

When I read it, the ending wasn't clear to me - I thought it might have been his daughter who beat him up. So even if it is less subtle, I think I prefer the downright absurdity of:

xxSo he beat himself up to defend her

Brian,

Many thanks for your feedback. I think you are most likely right about making the ending very clear; with this sort of poem the ending is not to be puzzled over.

Julie has pointed out an issue with the scansion of the refrain. I wonder if you (or anyone else reading this) had any problems with it? Julie points out that "inTENsive" doesn't scan as I want it to in this line, as I need "INtensive" or at the very least "IN-TEN-sive".

I'd kind of persuaded myself the combination of the metre and the double 'in' of 'in intensive' promoted the first syllable of 'intensive' at least somewhat. (I think the stop after the first 'in' and the need to audibly distinguish the two 'in's means I pronounce the 'in' of intensive as longer/stronger). However, I could very easily be fooling myself here.

If it doesn't work, my alternatives seem quite limited. I could go with "HOSpital CARE" or "eMERgency CARE" but neither has quite the same ring to it.

Erik,

re. "Ladies' room": Yes, I changed it to that after I'd asked you about it, and I'm happier with it now. Thanks for coming back. And yes, we get the "little girls'/boys' room" thing too.

best,

Matt

You're concerned about 'and he woke up in intensive care.'

I'd say get rid of the 'up'.

'and he woke in intensive care.'

You'd miss the chime of 'take up' and 'woke up' early on, but the rhythm would jog along more trimly.

I'd keep "up." Forcing the beat onto INtensive somehow suits the overall diction, sort of a hillbilly vernacular perhaps. And the line seems flat without the "up" to me.

Funny verse.

Thanks George,

That seems to make the last foot an iamb rather than an anapaest.

And he WOKE | in inTENS | ive CARE

or even

He WOKE UP | in in TENS| ive CARE

I don't know if it works with an iamb on the end. That said, I've been saying this line out loud so many times I don't really trust my ear any more.

Maybe I just need to try for a different end rhyme / refrain, and resign myself to a fair bit of rapid rewriting.

Thanks again,

-Matt

Roger,

Sorry, missed you post. Thanks for the comment. Yes, I can certainly make it work forced when I read it out loud and I think this sort of poem lends itself to a sing-song delivery, so I don't mind so much that it sounds forced / sing song, since it's that kind of poem. I guess the issue is how clunky it sounds to others, and how much I can rely on the reader to impose the rhythm and force the metre onto the line.

Thanks again,

Matt

Lawsuit: Off-Duty Cop Working Wal-Mart Security Accuses Man of Stealing Tomato, Beats Him, Breaks His Leg


AN OLD, FAMILIAR TUNE
(with apologies to George and Ira Gershwin)

You say "to-may-to" and I say "to-mah-to".
I see "a shopper" and you, "desperado".
Bra-vay-do, bra-vah-do.
A guard's not a god. Oh,
Let's call the whole thing awful.

You assume suspects won't have a receipt-o
(Or rights), so you hate and you hit. You're the heat-o.
Your badge lets you beat-o
That lowly mosquito.
Let's call the whole thing awful.

But oh, if we call the whole thing awful,
Then we must act.
And oh, if we ever act,
The deck might come unstacked.

Respect's slow to earn; instant fear has its uses.
To-may-to, to-mah-to, and blood are the juices
that flow like excuses
for power abuses.
Better call it just a one-off.
Let's call it just a one-off.

Oh, Noah!
 

Now, in this age of bloggers and tweeters,
Carol Ann Duffy is writing on meters.
(N.B., USA, not on scansion or stress
As your Webster-lite spelling might lead you to guess.)

Hmm . . . still can't compete with E.J. Thribb (17 and a half cubic feet) on the same topic in the current Private Eye.

The Polarities of American Aesthetics Made Flesh?

News to me!

Pummeling Poets

Stevens: The trouble with you, Robert, is that you write about subjects.

Frost: The trouble with you, Wallace, is that you write about bric-a-brac.


Poetry vs Prose

Stevens impugns Hemingway’s manhood.

Hemingway pugnaciously flattens Stevens.


Gleaned from the May 2, 2016 New Yorker review by Peter Schjeldahl of Paul Mariani's The Whole Harmonium: The Life of Wallace Stevens.

Oh, dear, what can the matter be?
We found a bomb in the lavat'ry
Thought it was a terrorist strategy
Gave us a terrible scare...

(Tune Trad.)

Oh, dear, what can the matter be?
Three transgenders found in a lavatory.
“This isn’t right”, says ex-candidate Huckabee;
“God wouldn’t want them in there!”

Removed for further tinkering.

~~tc

Fly Fishing Only
 

The Maine Warden Service reminds fishermen that anglers using bait in waters designated as "Fly Fishing Only" are subject to legal sanctions- news item.

"Fly Fishing Only" means, in simple terms,
You'll pay a fine if you're caught using worms.

Yale Idiots!
 

Yale students object to Chaucer courses!


http://www.newsmax.com/RichLowry/eng.../07/id/732665/


What eyleth yow to grucche thus and grone?
Is it for ye wolde have my queynte alone?
Wy, taak it all! Lo, have it every deel!
Peter! I shrewe yow, but ye love it weel;
For if I wolde selle my bele chose,
I koude walke as fresh as is a rose….

Chaucer, from “The Wife of Bath’s Prologue”

L 2 queynte: pudendum
L 5 selle: sell, barter; perhaps a pun on “seal”?
L 5 bele chose: pudendum


A Romance of Her Rose

After Chaucer, “The Wife of Bath”

Must men grouch and groan for a virgin wife?
One they would make their quaint red rose for life?
Try to recall, from Chaucer’s merry tale,
Those marriage words immortal that prevail,
When all there is of love has come and gone,
Said freely by the good Dame Alisoun,
A wife who in five marriages had done,
While not de facto intacto for each one,
Kept her loving thing so fresh and rosy,
It seemed resealed and sold as unbloomed posy.

I think you may be missing a trick with "queynte". I think you need to find a three-syllable semi-obscenity that parallels the C-word. Maybe I shouldn't think so much. Or at all.

The favorite lines from Chaucer I recall from high school goes;

.......................................Oh cursed belly,
Stinking sack of filth where dung abounds,
From either end of you come forth foul sounds.

Though this was in modernized spelling, or 45 years has clouded my memory, or a little of both.

Anyway, it annoys my chums who are dieting.

Impressive, Douglas. I wish I pulled this from memory but here is the same passage I think of Chaucer from google, or rather the paragraph in which it's found. The Pardoner's Tale (529-548). It might be helpful to quell the appetite.

Heere bigynneth the Pardoners Tale...

The apostle weeping says full piteously,
"There walk many of whom I have told you --
I say it now weeping, with piteous voice --
They are enemies of Christ's cross,
O gut! O belly! O stinking bag,
Filled with dung and with corruption!
At either end of thee the sound is foul.
How great labor and cost it is to feed thee!
These cooks, how they pound, and strain, and grind,
And turn substance into outward appearance
To fulfill all thy gluttonous desire!
Out of the hard bones they knock
The marrow, for they throw nothing away
That may go through the gullet softly and sweetly.
Of seasonings of leaf, and bark, and root
Shall his sauce be made for delight,
To make him yet a newer appetite.
But, certainly, he who habitually seeks such delicacies
Is dead, while he lives in those vices.

Ann, thanks for reading. I'm not sure about how a three syllable synonym for cunt would be used, the "trick" you suggest I'm missing. The Online Etymological Dictionary area listed this, nature's tufted treasure, in a long list of one or two syllable options.

The Verdict of Time?
 

As round the Hall of Fame I daily wander,
O shades of PMs past, you too are there
With legacies displayed for all to ponder -
Pitt, Peel, and Gladstone, Lloyd-George, Blair,
Disraeli, Thatcher, Attlee, Baldwin, Brown
The bright, the dim, the strong or puny’uns -
But none so dire as Cameron, the clown
Who gambled, lost, and wrecked two unions.

Sadly well put, Jerome.

Line 6 seems to have two syllables too many, or line 8 two too few.

Thanks, Brian. Line 6 tweaked..

The lament of the voter

Oh, silly me – I went and voted ‘Leave’,
Because I felt quite sure ‘Remain’ would win.
But if I’d known they’d lose, I do believe
I would have sanely voted to stay in.

So if we get another chance to choose,
Of course I’ll vote ‘Remain’ … But hang about -
If I do that, and next time ‘Leave’ should lose,
Perhaps I’ll wish I’d voted to get out?

Nice one, Brian. Leave - believe? But if I'd known what Outers would achieve? Hope the eye is better.

I agree with everything I've seen Brian post, regarding recent events, and The lament of the voter just sums up the gross stupidity of some of the voters on the EU referendum. (I can easily forgive leave and believe under the circumstances.)

If you can bear it, watch this clip of an aforementioned stupid voter. She can't even say ''referendum'', for pity's sake!
Jeez! I sincerely hope this young lady decides not to have children. (Don't call me on the lack of political correctness; I'm unrepentant. :p)

Yes, I wasn't happy about the identity rhyme, Jerome. But I decided to forgive myself. Perhaps something will come to me when I get my eye back.

Thank you, Jayne, and thanks for the PM.

Maybe something like:

But if I’d known they’d lose, I'm not naive:
I would have sanely voted to stay in.

Deliverance
 

Good riddance, Dave and Boris, both Etonian −
Lord, spare us Michael Gove, the Aberdonian.

I'd thought about 'naive', Bob. The trouble is, they WERE naive. They seem to be the "some of the people you can fool all the time".

Well, goodbye, Boris! Though you vainly strove
To be our own appalling clone of Trump,
It seems that you’ve been squished by Michael Gove -
But sadly, he’s an even bigger chump.

(I've just seen your piece, Jerome. We seem to share a wavelength.)

BoJo no-go.

Shall I do it?
Shall I do it?
Shall I do it?
Shall I do it?

Shall I do it?
Shall I do it?
Shall I do it?
No.

Farage triumphans

We've taken the country back.
You can feel it in the air.
The bunting's fluttering on the breeze,
There's cod and chips with mushy peas.
Jean Claude Juncker's going spare.
We've taken the country back.

The Slithy Goves

That Michael's a rat with a spine
Seems for now the majority line
Though there is the suggestion
That it's open to question
And perhaps it was all Sarah Vine.

To the Man who wrote The World's Worst Limerick

Serve you bloody right!

Hear! Hear! I'd forgotten that piece of deception, all of a piece with the rest of his act. Meanwhile . . .

Give reptilian Rupert a say!
Let the Boricide Gove have his day!
Such spinners and twisters
Will be mere passing blisters
As after October comes May.