Is it me, or does "Liam" sound sweeter and more interesting than "Ian?" I mean, he's not meant to be very exciting right? (Now all the Ians will clobber me...) Just a thought!

Not sure about the "though" in line 7.... filler-ish?

I feel like I'm on Met!

Charlotte

The chocolate biscuits gone, he eyes the plains
Dejectedly; must each Home Office day
Produce this sense of promise leached away?
The best has vanished; this sad knowledge stains
His life. It is the disappointment pains,
Yet he has dreams enough: Theresa May
In bondage leathers ordering him to play
Extreme and dreadful games... Outside it rains
And rains, and gutters fill with autumn leaves.
November! Month of fogs and pale white suns;
A month when hopes are harvested like sheaves,
'No chocolate,' he growls with savage breath
But fights despair; on her his fancy runs:
Theresa, whose dark eyes are fierce as death.

George, this is delightful, quite worth getting out of bed for. May you win £25! Or even £30!

Oh God, Charlotte, all the fashionable people are calling their boys Liam. It makes them sound like terrorists or bloody folk singers.

Charlotte - I changed that line again just before I saw your post. "Though" is gone. This is the way it goes now:

She’d feel dismay,
despite my words, whenever I’d display
my love for nature’s might, her winds and rains.

At first I was hesitant about "I'd display" because it's a little awkward to say it, due to the double "d." But now I think it's all right, if you say it slowly. (I tried all sorts of combinations before arriving at this, but I think it finally works.)

In the meantime, I just did some more research about the name "Liam." I found out that it means (coincidentally) "will" "helmet" and "protection," which I think fits the last line perfectly.

Thanks again!

Martin

George, the image of Theresa May in bondage leathers is a hard one to shake.

Don't quite get "It is the disappointment pains" but maybe I'm reading it wrong.

Thanks, John and Peter.

'It is the disappointment pains' means 'It is the disappointment that hurts me'. But if this is not immediately clear, maybe I'd better rephrase. Thanks for pointing it out.

George, goodness knows that this thread (which must have broken some kind of record) has produced an extraordinary number of splendid pieces, but this one stands out for being hilarious. I think my favourite line is

xx'No chocolate,' he growls with savage breath

I agree that the 'disappointment' line reads a bit awkwardly. What about:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxSuch disappointment always pains,
xxYet he has dreams enough ...

George,
If this does not win I will eat my hat as well as my Theresa May Inflatable Doll.

Or something like:
His dreary life. The disappointment pains

Anyway, great poem George! I can't see the attraction of Theresa, but I'm with you on the chocolate biscuits.

Darn, I don't think they'll pick two poems featuring chocolate, so there go my prospects! Oh well. Fine poem. And one which incidentally shows that "chocolate" can be scanned as one or two syllables depending on the metrical needs of the line in which it appears.

Thanks, Brian, Martin and Mary. I shall ponder the suggestions.

I love both chocolate poems! Nice one George, but I really like yours too, Roger!

Martin: I'm thinking there must be something more punchy you can say than "despite my words," don't you think?

Charlotte

PS: John, I can't believe that Liam is a trendy name! Martin, maybe that makes it sound sappy after all?

It's interesting that after Jayne first introduced "plains" as a noun in her poem in Post #104, Roger then used the same trick in his splendid chocolate poem, then I tried it (though mine is not quite as splendid), then Ralph, and then George use it, to excellent effect.

I, for one, had no trouble with "It is the disappointment pains." There is an implied "that" between "disappointment" and "pains."

It is the disappointment [that] pains

Charlotte - I'm not happy with "Liam." I need to find a name that has a connotation of both security and someone who may be a homebody, to match the woman in the poem.
Added: I think I'm going to try "Eric." I like the assonance with "death." Also, it doesn't sound cutesy.

Regarding "despite my words," is it "despite" or "words" that doesn't have enough punch? I'm going to try "despite my vows." Is that any better?

Now that's the problem with Eratosphere Drills and Amusements. I had my first two lines over a week ago, but couldn't take them forward profitably till I thought of bringing in the gorgeous Theresa. Meanwhile, others were hovering around the same territory, in what must be the most prolific D and A thread ever. I almost didn't
I think I work more slowly than some others. John, Roger and Brian will often whip out a cracker of a poem within hours of a comp being set. I'm more likely to fudge something a day or two before the deadline. Occasionally I've been put off having a go at all because I've seen the competition. Sometimes I've told myself - 'Don't look at that thread - you'll only be discouraged.'
Do others have this problem?

I hadn't noticed that Jayne debuted the idea -- I was actually thinking about M&M's which come in "plain" and "peanut," thought I then shied away from that notion because I wasn't sure how familiar that would be in Britain. But given that all our rhymes are prescribed, that kind of overlap is inevitable. What's surprising and fun is that all the poems are quite different from one another.

I just added Ralph to the list of the folks who so far have used "plains" in the more uncommon way.

For sure some folks work slower and some faster. I just thought it was interesting and clever how Jayne used that word, and then when Roger did it in his own fashion, I assumed there was some kind of trend going on, people latching on to the drift. But, as you noted, Roger, the rhymes are prescribed, and there aren't very many ways to use "plains," after all.

My method has been (at least in this thread) to post something right after I write it and then keep fiddling with it until I feel it's jelled.

George - I agree that this might well be the most creative D&A thread to date.

George, I for one am never put off by the presence of transparently superior poems to my own in threads. There's no accounting for taste, after all.

Martin,

I still think "Ian" sounds more boring--that is, more stay-at-home-sounding, no real offense to any Ians! But we all have our own connotations for names. So.... you just have to decide what feels right for you.

I think it might be "despite" that bothers me--but also the phrase as a whole, since it's a stand-in for whatever was said. However, "vows" is a touch more specific, perhaps. That might work!

George: about intimidation.... I am totally intimidated by all the other good poems here--although I did tentatively submit one, and might even send it in! But Rob's remark, "There's no accounting for taste" is very sensible.

Charlotte

Thanks, Charlotte. "Ian" was actually the first name I thought of and may go back to it.

I grasp your meaning now about "despite." Yes, it's a stand-in for a real dialogue. And yes, "vows" is more specific. But I revised that whole passage now that you've prompted me:

... I’d tell her I take pains
not to crash my jeep; yet, in dismay,
she’d quiver when I’d hurry to display
my love for nature’s mighty winds and rains..

I was also thinking about him swearing to her that he would wear his seatbelt (while going 90 mph), but couldn't find a place to fit it in.

George, I never read other people's efforts until I've written one or two of my own (I know that Chris O'Carroll does the same), in order to be certain that if I come up with an idea that someone else has used, I have done so independently, and not as a result of reading their piece. Of course, in any competition of this kind, there is always going to be a certain amount of overlap.

I've also never been quite sure whether it's a good thing to post entries here - some members never do - since on the one hand, it establishes my claim to an idea, but on the other hand may give ideas (quite innocently, of course) to others.

Finally, as someone said, the results depend very much on the judge's (sometimes questionable) taste. I have sometimes sent in, for example, three entries, only to find that the one I considered third-best wins, and the two that I thought better don't even get a mention. Mais c'est comme ca ...

Croesus from a hilltop scans his plains
And ponders what a walk at break of day,
On new cut grass, is worth: regale away
About the trappings bought with wealth, they're stains
Compared to nature's free delights; they're pains
In light of what the season gifts come May.
True, the strengths of gold may often play -
But aren't all sodden, equal, when the rains
Descend? My money can't oblige the leaves
To hang around come fall; a poor man suns
Himself as does a rich, no need for sheaves
Of cash. What dazzling gem outshines a breath
Of Gaia's freely-given air? - what runs
To worth for men a gasp away from death?

.

One more for the bitumen.

Looking Higher

A red-tailed raptor, noiseless, scans the plains
for snacks that scoot and scurry through the day.
Yet does she ever point her eyes away
to marvel at the clouds the twilight stains?
Or think of looking higher, taking pains
to spot that coruscating dot which may
appear at dawn or dusk and likes to play
hide-and-seek, whose dense umbrella rains
sulfuric acid? No, she never leaves
her habitat to ponder far-off suns
cocooned in insubstantial cosmic sheaves
or space-time maws that munch on space-time’s breath
or think how, as she wheels, existence runs
hawk-silent, without rust and without death.


Alt. couplet:

nor pause to look within at that which runs
hawk-silent, without rust, and without death.

or:

nor see within herself The All, which runs
hawk-silent, without rust, and without death.

Oh how fun - Bouts Rimés! I usually host, but now I can play. :rolleyes: Pondering my lines...

Eventuality
 

I avoid that problem by not looking at the thread (beyond the competition spec itself) until I've either completed my own attempts - or else feel sufficiently convinced I'm not going to enter this time. Then I can browse others' sallies without risk!

It’s something that each packet now explains:
That every smoke subtracts (an hour? a day?),
Eroding remnant health and life away
And carbonising lungs with tarry stains;
Harsh coughs betray cells’ harsher inner pains.
Benson, Hedges, Lambert; (Bryant, May);
Some seasoned Players in this tragic play.
A crop of doom, it grows by blessed rains
Towards a harvesting of woesome leaves,
Then dries beneath the smiling summer suns…
Till human lives are gathered in as sheaves,
Long habit having robbed them of all breath.
Dry butts, from you a bitter river runs!
Tobacco trade: a sale of lives to death.

[I then altered the first seven lines to read as follows...]

Such ads! (‘Marlboro country’: glowing plains) -
But every pull subtracts (an hour? a day?),
Eroding remnant health and life away
And carbonising lungs with tarry stains -
Harsh coughs betraying harsher inner pains.
Benson, Hedges, Lambert, Bryant, May,
Are among Players in this tragic play.

[...which version reads better?
Also, I had realized on checking that Bryant & May is a brand of matches, not of cigarettes (though of use in lighting cigarettes); does their inclusion along with the more culpable names seem amiss, or is it fine? ]

Graham,

Both are good, but I prefer your second. "Marlboro Country" is an icon of cigarette advertising, and "plains" works well with it. Maybe you might consider substituting "Western" or "cowboy" for "glowing". Or, perhaps, "(Marlboro Country's Western plains)" ?



And, getting that pesky word "May" in as a proper noun ought to score you some extra points with the judge. It seems that match manufactirers are part of the smoking - industrial - complex.

Cheers, Douglas! (I had thought maybe the first opening made the subject and thrust of the poem clearer sooner?) I still like "glowing", which I used because it suggests praise-filled testimonials, and it fit with my memory of the US vistas in those ads (recalled as sunny or sunset or sunrise) - and (I now note!), aptly, matches the tips of lit cigarettes.
Thanks for your thoughts!

Fighting Dog

No fighting hound in all the world complains
while braving cuts and bruises. Battle day
has come around and now he brawls away,
grappling with fangs, fur flaunting crimson stains,
paying no attention to the pains
in leg or neck or head. Perhaps he may
again be victor — ordinary play
for one who’s used to quarreling till it rains
like cats from dogs. His wounds too grave, he leaves
lamer than Hephaestus. No more suns
will ever rise for him. Official sheaves
will store his name. Some other pup’s first breath
is luckier this time. She romps and runs
and grows and gets to live before her death.

Martin, I like those two alternatives. I think they are very Ted Hughes!

Neanderthals Succeeded
 

We’ve scoured these plains
Day after day
Till we’ve worn all the beasts away
To hides, bones and their spilled blood’s stains;
Now we are gnawed - by hunger pains.
Will New-Ones help or kill us? May
We join with them? Or will they play
The role of hunting us? Mild rains
Fall, and the former snow now leaves.
Tall, slim, from lands of brighter suns,
They talk of unknown things, like ‘sheaves’
And ‘planting’, with their foreign breath.
I fear our rugged race now runs
A losing pace, pursued by death.

Graham,

I like your Neanderthal poem quite a lot. Not just because of the interesting theme, but also the tetrameter, which is not easy to pull off. But you did!

I wonder if it would sound better with the definite article ("the") before "New-Ones."

"Will the New-Ones help or kill us?" That would mess up the rhythm a tiny bit, however.

Thanks for mentioning which couplets you like best in my "Looking Higher." That's quite helpful. I think I prefer

or think how, as she wheels, existence runs
hawk-silent, without rust and without death.

because it's more visual. You can picture her wheeling high in the sky.

Whereas the other one is a bit more abstract. But then again, I'm not entirely sure which is really more interesting.

Martin

Just for Fun - 1
 

As the Competition brief explains,
We must by this April’s fifth day
Enter, to bear rewards away -
No prize, then, for one who abstains
Or is late! Too, we must take pains
To use the rhyme-words rightly. May
We take some liberties, and play
On words in ways that their sense strains?
It seems so, if one’s license leaves
Their essence still no less (uns-
Poiled) - unlike some shill - his heaves
Will haul a word in twain! How sombre at h-
Is task he shirks; unluckier, uns-
Anctified, such laxity dooms verse to death.

The Vampire

Surveying your terrain, its peaks and plains,
I’ve dreamed of what’s beneath it, night and day
thumping, throbbing, beavering away.
And now I’ve nipped you. Lapping up the stains
dappling your neck should ease the pains.
You’re still horripilating in dismay?
But why so shocked? When knockout nymphs display
their throats to me, when every sweat gland rains
ambrosia, it invariably leaves
them inextinguishable. Shun the sun’s
warm beams! Your pinions shimmering in sheaves
of astral light, revived by Luna’s breath,
you’ll join me as our hunger builds and runs
across the hills and dales of flesh and death.

Now Graham, that is clever.

Not quite sure if it'll be acceptable, but very clever nonetheless.

That is, indeed, clever. I think several of Grahams creations have a good chance.

I just restored my vampire poem (in post #233) after tweaking it a lot today. Any thoughts?

Mind

I'm nascent, binary: existence plains
Before my formless state. My thought-filled day
Knows nothing of desires to do away
With what is logical. The type that stains
My copybook of reason with its pains
Is mired humanity. A substrate's May
Resides in ion flows where plasma plays
Almighty God, and data-streaming rains
Provide for certainty that never leaves.
I'm better in the cold, there are no suns
That tempt me with their promises of sheaves
From golden fields. I've neither drawn a breath
Nor seen in narrowband since that which runs
Walt Disney Subjunct-One proscribed my death.


.

Royston,

Your mind has come up with something really great. A splendid SF piece. I enjoyed it.

Martin

PS - Are you an AI (artificial intelligence) yourself? ;)

PPS - By the way, is that a proper usage of "plains"?

Hi Martin,


Cheers, I'm glad that you found reading my Mind an enjoyable experience.

Well, I'm pretty artificial, and the question of my being intelligent is open to debate.

I can see why you's ask that. What can I say other than it works for me, and I think it works in the poem's context? To assert that one thing becomes ordinary in the light of another seems a reasonable proposition. Perhaps others will chime in with their view on this.


Go well.

Royston, I have to admit that I'm a bit baffled by the phrase "existence plains before my formless state". You're presumably using "plains" as a verb, but ... err ... what does it mean?

Just for fun #2
 

I often play at hoopla. Ins
And outs and roundabouts, I gad, ay!
Sometimes falling, skinning my knees raw, ay,
While scanning some far vista… Ins
And outs, certainties, doubts. My Pa (ins
And outs of explanations) tells me what I am, ay,
With one deft letter questioning my hoopla: “Y?”
But then relents; again I’m free to romp, hurra! Ins
And outs about the house; I climb, crawl eaves,
Get leaves and dirt inside my clothes: uns-
Peakable mess of dress! Pa reaches, heaves
Me down, his frown so sombre. At “H”
Now my speech sticks, leaving things further uns-
Aid; inside, “Hi, Help!” but, puffed out, I abide at “H…”


(I thought of titling it "Tomboy" - any thoughts? Improvements?
Anyway, it was fun to test the brief to destruction...)

Graham,
This little gem of brilliance truly "tests the brief to destruction" . I can't see how any more cutting or polishing can improve it.
I'd say that your title suggestion is a good one.