Speccie Read All About It by 15th May
 

And double Damn. I don't see how this can be done in verse. But here it is. Some of you will win. Grinding of teeth. Ad shoudn't it be 'dalmatian'?

No. 2798: read all about it

The following are real headlines from regional newspapers: ‘W. Norwood “Curry Cat” murder latest’, ‘Badger shot by St Ives locksmith’, ‘“Smug” Swans attack dalmation’. You are invited to submit the full report behind one of them (150 words maximum). Please email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 15 May.

Ho-hum. These all lack the zing of "Headless Body in Topless Bar."

I'm struggling to see how it could be done in prose. Any takers for this one? I don't think it's for me.

They're all rather dull, and far too specific. Why 'West Norwood'? Why 'St Ives'? Distinctly unpromising material ...

This has all the tedium I associate with local newspapers.

Badger shot by St Ives locksmith

There was a photo finish in the Fathers' Egg-and-Spoon race at St Ives Primary School yesterday. To frantic cheering from his seventeen children and three wives Mr F.T. Foakes shot by Mr J.S. McCartney and pipped him at the post. Said Mr McCartney, a local tradesman, 'I was exhausted after a long day fitting seventy-six locks to the children's lockers. I feel I should have been awarded a handicap. I'm well gutted.' A delighted Mr Foakes who said he was 'over the moon' and 'I did it for my family' is well known to readers of this newspaper for his collection of four-hundred and seventy-seven cap badges, comprising one for every Primary School in Cornwall.

That's bloody clever, John! If it doesn't win, I'll eat a raw stoat.

Naw, you can curry it, Brian.

John's piece is indeed ingenious, but has anyone else noticed how every time somebody's work is tipped for glory on these pages that seems to jinx it?

Brian, I fear for your digestive system.

That's not entirely true. It just seems so. I think I have a reasonable chance because the competition is't very inspiring though it has inspired Brian.

I sometimes think it's worse than that, Rob. Have you noticed that this week, the only Sphere winners for both the NS and the Spectator were pieces that had never appeared here?

Some people post their entries here. Others never do. The question is, what do Basil, Chris, Peter and Adrian know that we don’t?

And if you detect a certain note of paranoia, it’s because I know I’m being persecuted.

As for my digestive system, have no fear. John says that if it "comes to the crunch", he'll let me eat a chocolate stoat.