Speccie Lines on the Beeb by 21 May
 

I feel a song coming on

No. 2849: lines on the Beeb

You are invited to submit a poem in praise or dispraise of the BBC. Please email entries (wherever possible) of up to 16 lines to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 21 May.

T

No. 2849: lines on the Beeb
 

...Like this one by Sparks?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaXYwdS_V2Q

(A rather splendid video. Warning: may distress any prone to seasickness.)

Thank you, Graham. I have got no farthe than this sort of thing. I shall persevere.


The Singing Beeb

Though the Frenchman has his letter.
And the Turkish have delight,
The BBC is better
And we watch it every night.

Though the Yankees have their doodles
And the Dutchman has his dyke
The BBC has oodles
Of what we British like.

Though the Persians have perversions
And the Greeks are rather odd,
The BBC's assertions
Are the very word of God.

And so on. I'm unsure of the tune.

Reply to Singing Beeb, tune for
 

Hi,
That would be the tune to "Lulu had a baby."

Spike Jones! Perfect. I'm at work on the chorus. Thanks Alan.

Paedophile scandals execs try to shake off,
Vacuous programmes like Strictly and Bake-Off,
Twitterers dumbing down Radio Three –
Why can’t we close down the whole BBC?

Cokeheads from Hoxton, their salaries hefty,
Greenlighting comics as long as they’re Lefty.
Chaps in Compliance reacting with glee –
Why don’t we wind up the damn BBC?

Camp antique dealers and chefs sporting dickies,
Stripped across daytime to entertain thickies.
In primetime, car chases from CCTV –
We ought to just put down the poor BBC.

News that’s now ninety per cent speculation,
Severance schemes that are pure peculation,
Digital channels no-one wants to see –
There, that's my pitch to become the DG.

That should be among the winners, Adrian!

Beeb, overstaffed and overspent,
At which the licence-payers cavil,
How sad to witness your descent
From Reithian heights to Jimmy Savile.

I've got it. It goes to 'Lulu had a baby' by Spike Jones and his City Slickers. Sing it, brothers and sisters!

Superbeeb

Though Frenchmen have their letters and Turks have their delight,
The BBC is better, and we watch it every night.
BBC, those magic letters three!
BBC spells FUN for you and me!

Though Yankees have their doodles and a Dutchman has his dyke
The BBC has oodles of what we British like.
BBC we chortle in our glee!
BBC, you're just our cup of tea!

Though Persians have perversions and Greeks are pretty odd,
The BBC's assertions are the very word of God.
BBC so ambisexually!
BBC for all the family!

Though fine Swiss cheese will always please, and likewise Spanish sherry,
Bless Auntie Beeb on bended knee because she's necessary.
BBC, you're very nearly free!
BBC, worth twice the licence fee!

Though I am from the USA
(and mighty proud to be!)
I will not hesitate to say
I love the BBC.

I am a realist. I know
my life is small and shabby.
But once a week it isn't so!
I'm Lord of Downton Abbey!

Or maybe I'm the butler there,
a footman, a solicitor?
It doesn't matter. I don't care,
so long as I'm a visitor.

I'm ushered in. I say, "Oh my!
I'd love a spot of tea!"
How nicely I'm received! That's why
I love the BBC.

That's a good one, Roger, but I think "Downton Abbey" airs in the UK on ITV, not the BBC. Someone who knows better please set me straight if I've got that wrong.

*******

It occurs to me that maybe I missed the joke; maybe you intentionally have your American speaker getting a detail of British culture wrong. Or maybe I was just pretending to miss the joke for comic effect. Or . . . .