question (moved from Non-Met)
 

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v2
Puddles


Can you remember when it was
that you last dared to splosh?

And not some accidental ankling
as for a bus you rushed.

But, giving it both Wellingtons,
deciding you'd commit,

instead of wavering, excuseful,
around the edge of it.

Perhaps you have forgotten how
to measure out your sprint?

Or blast off, from a standing start,
or quite how good it felt

to feel yourself begin to fly
despite that cumulus of doubt

scudding through your cloudless sky:
a fleeting faint-heart thought,

This one might be the one to have
the hidden threat of depths

and you're a falling Dr. Foster
to the antonym of zenith.

But, you'll remember landing
with a stamping flat-foot-slap

and standing, plashingly triumphant,
swashing waters swooshing back:

proofed against the disapproving
wet-tyre traffic hiss.

What is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?









___________________




What's the Point of Puddles?


Can you remember when it was
the last time you sploshed?

And not some accidental ankling
whilst running for the bus.

But, giving it both wellies,
deciding to commit,

not wavering, with excuses,
around the edge of it.

Perhaps you have forgotten how
to measure out your sprint,

or blast off, from a standing start,
or quite how good it felt

to feel yourself begin to fly
despite that cumulus of doubt

scudding through your cloudless sky.
A fleeting faint-heart thought,

This might be the one.
The hidden threat of depths

and you're a Dr. Foster falling
to the antonym of zenith.

But, you must remember landing
with a stamping flat-foot-slap,

standing, plashingly triumphant,
swashing waters swooshing back.

Proofed against all disapproval
from the wet-tyre traffic hiss.

What is the point of puddles
if it isn't this?




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Hi, Richard—

This is charming. I like your effective use of onomatopoeia to help the readers sink their teeth (or more appropriately, Wellingtons) into the puddle.

My main suggestion would be to work on the rhymes in the even numbered lines. Near-rhymes like “back/slap” and “doubt/thought” are fine, but “sploshed/bus” (especially at the start of the piece) and “depths/zenith” are too distant from each other to reinforce the cheerful, ballad-like structure.

The rhythm in S1 and S2 seems a bit off, too. You might improve the rhyme here, too, with something like:
Can you remember when it was,
your last colossal splosh?

Not some annoying ankle bath
whilst running for the bus.

I enjoyed this heart-warming evocation of childish enthusiasm for life.

Glenn

Hi Richard,

Quite enjoyed. I particularly liked this line:

and you're a Dr. Foster falling
to the antonym of zenith.

No complaints.

Nick

This is really lots of fun, Richard. A children's poem for adults. It feels almost entirely metrical to me, like it wants to be alternating 4 and 3 beats. I wonder if you could lean into that and tweak the few couplets where the rhythm doesn't quite land with a splash.

Mark

Hi Richard,

This was quite enjoyable. I think the simpler "Puddles" would work better and give you a greater impact with your final lines. Apart from that, I found it lying around the middle. I'd suggest removing everything from "perhaps you have forgotten" to "zenith", where it felt to me like you were trying to stretch the idea as too much. Keep it simpler, in my opinion.

I love "ankling" in particular, by the way. Lovely, creative use of language.

Thanks for sharing this.

Trev

My immediate reaction when I read the poem was "charming", and then I read the first comment and saw that Glenn had beaten me to it. The only problem I had was the Dr. Foster stanza - I was clueless and would drop it - but that may be me, displaying my age and ignorance.

I particularly like the last three stanzas.

Hi Glenn,

This is charming.
Thanks. And I've taken another look at the rhymes/rhythm.


Hi Nick,

No complaints.
Appreciated.


Hi Mark.

A children's poem for adults.
That was the idea, yes.

I wonder if you could lean into that and tweak the few couplets where the rhythm doesn't quite land with a splash.
I've had a lean (thanks) but shame on you for the splash.


Hi Trevor.

I think the simpler "Puddles" would work better and give you a greater impact
You may be right. Testing it now, thanks.

I love "ankling" in particular, by the way. Lovely, creative use of language.
Well, let's see how you feel about 'excuseful'.


Hi Michael.

The only problem I had was the Dr. Foster stanza - I was clueless and would drop it - but that may be me, displaying my age and ignorance.
Or that the source material hasn't travelled far from these shores.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor...(nursery_rhyme)


Thanks all.
Revision posted.


RG.

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It's hard to break the learned behavior of adulting/avoiding puddles. To answer your question, I do, on occasion, splosh to get a giggle out of my grandchildren as we walk the paths in the park.

I want to think like Mark does that this is a children's poem for adults, but can't quite get there yet. Perhaps my adult defenses are up.

It's neither here nor there, but I wondered about the word "Can" to open the poem vs. the word "Do". I don't know why I even bring it up, but I do : )

I have been accused from time to time of being sentimental and naive. This poem actually calls on the reader to re-engage with their sentimentality and naivety. It reaches back to that sweet spot in time when a puddle was not an obstacle.

I don't mind wet socks. They can be quickly changed. What I do regret is that constant loss of innocence that Blake talks about. I would go back in a heartbeat to be more innocent in my interactions with life. I have no desire to conquer anything. No need to tame the wild world. I would rather head off in the opposite direction and explore the puddles you mention.

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Hi Richard,
I've moved this thread, as you requested.

What fun your poem is!
I once stepped into a deep puddle, after a heavy summer shower, and the brown dye from my suede sandals oozed onto my feet, which were now saturated (and cold), so I stepped into a shoe shop to buy some new footwear. Taking off my sandals in front of a horrified salesgirl, I realised that I looked like a vagrant with extremely filthy feet! :D

Thanks for reminding me of that. Haha. For me, it was a "splosh" (great word, the first of many you've used) that wasn't intentional.

I much prefer your original "whilst running for the bus" to the inversion of "as for a bus you rushed", although "bus" and "rushed" go together well; how about a compromise of: whilst rushing for the bus?

I agree with Glenn (especially as it's no longer classed as Non-metrical) that some closer rhymes in some stanzas would improve the poem.

It has great opening and closing stanzas - oh, and the ones in between are charming too, as others have said.

Jayne

Hi Jim,

but can't quite get there yet. Perhaps my adult defenses are up.
Or perhaps it doesn't quite do its job. The intent was for a 'seize the day' poem.

It's neither here nor there, but I wondered about the word "Can" to open the poem vs. the word "Do". I don't know why I even bring it up, but I do : )
I've been going back and forth on exactly this. I'm leaning towards 'can' as it suggests, to me anyway, that it will have been a considerable time since any sploshing occurred and the effort at recollection greater (than might be envisaged by 'do'.)

It reaches back to that sweet spot in time when a puddle was not an obstacle.
That was the hope, at least.

I would rather head off in the opposite direction and explore the puddles you mention.
I'll see you there.


Hi Jayne.

I've moved this thread, as you requested.
Thank you.

What fun your poem is!
Well ...

Taking off my sandals in front of a horrified salesgirl, I realised that I looked like a vagrant with extremely filthy feet!
And you're sure it was nothing to do with suede sandals?

For me, it was a "splosh" (great word, the first of many you've used) that wasn't intentional.
I believe it was an 'ankling' (technically.)

I much prefer your original "whilst running for the bus" to the inversion of "as for a bus you rushed", although "bus" and "rushed" go together well; how about a compromise of: whilst rushing for the bus?
Sounds good but ...
I agree with Glenn (especially as it's no longer classed as Non-metrical) that some closer rhymes in some stanzas would improve the poem.
... wouldn't this (splosh/bus) be one of those 'not close enough' rhymes?
That said, suggestions welcome for any/all.

It has great opening and closing stanzas - oh, and the ones in between are charming too, as others have said.
So what you're saying is that the title needs work? Okay, I hear you.

RG.