Other Birds
 

Other Birds

Follow the thrush’s feather
forest boy
into the red twilight
deep in the heart
of the woods
where a city of black roofs
spins in a small circle
in a clearing
between the circling trees
where the sky erupts
with pulses
of more exquisite birds
than the thrush that stares
from the top
of his single tree.

Hello John,

I am curious if you might develop a longer narrative arc using this strophe pattern. The poem works as is, and I get that it is meant to feel incomplete, to feel like the start of something, but I am curious.

You could call it the Riley Stanza.

Formal innovation is fun!

Hello John,

So my mind keeps trying to analyze what the pattern is. One variation that has just come to me is:

Follow the thrush’s feather (6 syllables long)
forest son (3 syllables short)
into the red twilight (6 syllables long)
deep in the heart (4 syllables short)
of the forest (4 syllables short)
where a city of black roofs (7 syllables long)
spins in a small circle (6 syllables long)
in a clearing (4 syllables short)

between the circling trees (6 syllables long)
where the sky erupts (5 syllables long)
with pulses (3 syllables short)
of more exquisite birds (6 syllables long)
than the thrush that stares (5 syllables long)
from the top (3 syllables short)
of his single tree. (5 syllables long)

So, for me, the most fundamental building block to the Riley Stanza is the long, long short:

where a city of black roofs
spins in a small circle
in a clearing

between the circling trees
where the sky erupts
with pulses

of more exquisite birds
than the thrush that stares
from the top


What makes the ending so effective is how you disrupted the final long, long, short with a final long line.

The next fundamental building block is opening alternating long, short, long, short:

Follow the thrush’s feather
forest son
into the red twilight
deep in the heart

Using these two basic rhythmic blocks, and allowing long or short to make a larger 5 block rhythmic unit, one could create all kinds of interesting waving cadences over a longer narrative arc. Which is why I am curious to see this stanza design over a longer stretch of story.

Free verse can be as constrained as rhyme and meter.

I made a couple of edits. I'll be back Yves when I have more time.

Hello John. Now I have seen your edits, I see there is another layer of rhythmic patterning overlaid the variations of short and long based on whether you end with a stressed or unstressed syllable.

Cool. I'm having fun. It is not common these days for me to find a poem on the board that makes me want to analyze stuff! What is the secret of the magic trick???

Real homage—John, this is wonderful!

Hello, John,

I like the sense of enchantment this evokes. One observation: for the line "between the circling trees," I find that "circling," for trees, sounds off (even if the circling might be attributable to the earlier city's spins). Maybe "... between the circle of trees" or even "... between the encircling trees" might make better sense.

This is good stuff, John!

Cheers,
...Alex

Hi John. This feels strong, as it is. It made me think of Wallace Stevens. Which can't be a bad thing?

Cheers

David

Hi John,

Two places that hit me wrong were "between" which I think should be "among" and "from the top of his single tree," which seemed askew because thrushes are known as ground dwelling birds, though they must get up high in trees at times I would think. To me it's like putting a grouse, or quail, or pheasant up at the top of a tree. Maybe a change might even add something to the piece. Say, something like, "from the tangle of low briars."

all the best,
Jim

Sorry about the delay responding. Yves, I appreciate your interest in my poem. You’ve provided me some things to consider. I’m pleased you recognize the rhythm. As for making it more metrical that’s something to consider. I try to find the rhythm of the poem’s topic. As for it being longer, I have to wait for some inspiration. Thanks.

Thanks, Cam. Pleased you like it.

Alex, “circling” is the spot I was unsure of. I think I’ll follow your first suggestion.

Thanks, David. Stevens is a flattering comparison. I read it to be simpler than his brain-breaking poems. More the story of a single life.

Jim, thanks for the notes. I can always move “top” and combine the last two lines. I do think thrush move higher in trees but having it at the top isn’t of supreme importance.

Thanks, again to all.