Speccie: Grimm Revision
 

A far as body parts are concerned our only winner was the trusty Bill Greenwell who wrote on elbows, dammit. Dammit because that was MY subject. If I'd known Bill would be trampling there I'd have written about toenails or something. The new competition is here. My mind is a blank but I am sure Spherians will
think of things.

No. 2663: Grimm revision
You are invited to submit a politically correct version of a well-known fairy tale (150 words maximum). Entries should be submitted, by email where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 1 September.

CaucasianLocks entered the kitchen.

"This porridge is thermally gifted!"
"This porridge is thermally challenged!"
"This porridge is average!"

She thought about her options in gastronomy. Being a female trencherperson, she sampled each bowl and concluded they were all suitable.

She entered the living room.

"This chair is ergonomically endowed!"
"This chair is ergonomically bereft!"
"This chair is average!"

Perusing her options in furniture, she sat in each chair and concluded each would eventually find the right fundament to support, although, if she absolutely had to pick the “best one” she would possibly maybe choose the latter option. Not that she liked to pick favorites.

As she entered the bedroom, she noticed three ethically ambiguous grizzly bears.

“Pardon my intrusion!” cried CaucasianLocks.

“You could have been allergic to that porridge!” said Papa Bear, whose maternal instincts were equal to Mama Bear’s. “Let’s take this opportunity to learn about each other’s culture.”

That's so much better than anything |I had on my mind. Way to go, Orwn. Don't forget to enter it. I simply do not believe there wil be five better efforts.

OK, so Orwn gets the fiver, but there's still room lower down on the page. My first attempt (though an edited draft appears a bit down the page):

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

Jack was being raised by a single mother who was perfectly capable of providing him with an upbringing equal to or better than that of a child raised by two parents, but they lived in poverty because of gender discrimination.

One day she sent Jack to sell their grass-fed cow. To his mother’s delight, Jack accepted organic beans in payment. He planted the beans with a bit of compost, and they shot skyward. Removing his shoes to avoid damaging a living creature, he climbed to the top and discovered a kingdom ruled by a tyrannical giant.

Jack used diplomatic persuasion to convince the giant to abdicate in favor of democracy. The grateful populace offered Jack the Golden Goose, but Jack refused.

When Jack returned home, he and his mother never went hungry or lacked for fibre again thanks to the endless supply of nutritious beans now growing in their backyard.

I think I have problems with the word 'tyrannical', Roger. Are you sure you have fully participated in the plight of persons of above-average-stature in our heightist society?

Misguided?

How about "a giant with anger management issues"?

Thanks, George. That's good. I'm at 150 words exactly, but I think I can make it fit.

I still say that the word 'giant' is judgmental. What about 'a largeperson with anger-management issues'.

Bigperson?

multidimensionally challenged individual?

Great ideas. I'll definitely work on that. Largeperson might be the way to go.

Here's another:

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

Once upon a time a shepherd boy grew bored and cried Wolf even though there was no wolf. The townsfolk came running to save him, only to discover that they had been fooled.

“It doesn’t matter,” they told him. “What counts is that you are safe.”

The boy grew bored again and cried Wolf. The townsfolk came running, only to find that there was no wolf.

“You are so creative!” they told him. “What a wonderful imagination!”

The next day, an actual wolf attacked the boy and the sheep. The boy cried Wolf at the top of his lungs.

The townsfolk didn’t believe there was a wolf. But they didn’t want to hurt the boy’s feelings by seeming not to care, nor did they want to discourage his imagination. So they ran to save him, and neither the boy nor the sheep were hurt.

Moral: Never ignore a boy crying Wolf.

wet blanketismo
 

For once I wish for a verse comp. All doo respeck, as Paulie Walnuts would say, I fear this one invites the bleedin' obvious. Also, mockery or denunciation of 'political correctness' has tended to be a cudgel with which knee-jerk motormouth bigots (Richard Littlejohn, Jeremy Clarkson, Taki, etc. in the UK) attack attitudes of broad empathy & open-minded understanding of the 'other'.

I'll have a go anyway, but my heart won't be in it.

And here's "Jack" with a slight revision to avoid the judgmental "giant" word:


JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

Jack was being raised by a single mother who was perfectly capable of providing him with an upbringing equal to or better than that of a child raised by two parents, but they lived in poverty because of gender discrimination.

One day she sent Jack to sell their grass-fed cow. To his mother’s delight, Jack accepted organic beans in payment. He planted the beans with a bit of compost, and they shot skyward. Removing his shoes to avoid damaging a living creature, he climbed to the top and discovered a land whose king suffered from pituitary gigantism and acromegaly.

Jack used diplomatic persuasion to convince the king to abdicate in favor of democracy. The grateful populace offered Jack the Golden Goose, but Jack refused.

When Jack returned home, he and his mother never went hungry or lacked for fibre again thanks to the nutritious beans now growing in their backyard.

I agree, Bazza. I'm a sincere believer in political correctness myself, and I think the term was invented primarily to give bigoted and unkind people a seemingly principled way to respond to those who would call them on it.

But that doesn't mean we can't indulge in a bit of self-mockery from time to time.

(I do happen to believe, by the way, that everyone should have run to help the boy who cried wolf even if the boy had lied in the past. For me, the real moral is that all alarms must be answered, even if many of them are false.)

agreed
 

With you there, Roger. Self-satire I have no problem with. I do it all the time. No hatred, ignorance, injustice or cruelty involved. In fact it's a kind of left-handed vanity. (Not that I have anything against sinistrals, you understand.)

This was so obvious to me I'm surprised no one beat me to it:

Sand Pink, the ethnically ambiguous princess, incurred the wrath of the queen by
refusing to eat anything but plants. The wicked queen commanded her huntsman to kill Pink and bring back her heart, but he substituted a heart made of tofu and the princess escaped. She lived happily in the forest, keeping house for seven vertically challenged men and reducing their carbon footprint. But the wicked queen (disguised as an organic farmer) was able to fell the princess with a poisoned apple (certified All-Natural). Her short friends buried her in a solar paneled coffin, where she was found by a wandering princess from Nigeria, who awakened her with love's first kiss and spirited her away to an all-female kingdom, where they lived – well, you know.

Orwn, you have my favorite so far. Roger you're prolific, I like your latest one best. Gail, I like it, except for sand pink--how about if her name was Khaki?


Cinderella was this young gorgeous blonde that lived with her ugly psycho-bitch step-sisters and step-mother…oops, I mean blended family, who were constantly on her ass… oops, I mean lovingly urged her toward self improvement, when it came to her looks, her clothes, and they way she cleaned house for them. One day Cinderella heard about pick-up dance...uh, I mean, a ball at the palace where this hot…I mean, handsome, prince was going to pick some money hungry slut… uh, I mean socially aspiring, girl to marry. Cinderella wished she could go but she didn’t have anything to wear. Her fairy-godmother..wait..uh I mean gay?…no..I mean fairy-godperson... Oh, forget this shit ! Go to sleep, and quit whining, you little brat.

best laugh i've had since the pigs ate my brother
 

A terrific approach, Donna – exploiting the rubric, turning it around, adding some distance, giving a lively extra dimension to a fundamentally dull comp & as a bonus being able to include taboo stuff as well.

I echo what Bazza said, Donna. Shouldn't there be an 'a' before pick-up dance?

A micro producer of organic flour told the local prince that his daughter could spin gold from straw. From a misguided wish for material gain, the prince locked the young person in a room full of non-genetically-altered straw. Unfortunately, the father had not been quite truthful. His daughter could do no such thing.
But a size-challenged person appeared and spun gold from the straw for her in return for future payment.
The prince married the girl, who had inadvertently promised the height challenged person her first child in return for his help. From the best motives, said person relented, and gave the girl a fair out: If she found out his name she could keep the kid,
In a win win situation for the girl, she used her considerable resources to discover his name. Poor Rumplestiltkin expired from unbearable mental stress at hearing it.

146

Grimm Revision

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?
What is this concept fairest, pray?
You are the fairest, in your way.
My Way? You lousy piece of glass.
Speak up. Don’t blow it out your arse.
I can’t construct a fairness table.
We are all differently able.
All differently able? Right!
You mean I have to kill Snow White.
No need, my dear. She’s gone. She needed
To find herself. She has succeeded.
To find herself? By which you mean
Some lewd, perverted sexual scene.
With seven friends she’s set up shop –
A Little Lesbians Co-op

Grimm Revision

He couldn't believe it when they told him the only way to wake the young woman from her sleep of death was to kiss her. How could he presume to kiss a woman he never met, especially when she was helplessly sleeping? Would it not be a violation of her personal space and integrity? So he went to the Court Magician and arranged to enter her dreams to secure a formal introduction through a mutually dreamed friend. Over the following weeks, after they truly got to know each other as people, they fell in love and were engaged. The Court Magician then transported him back into the real world, where he gently kissed the sleeping beauty on the cheek. She woke. They were both grateful he had waited. And their children never tired of hearing the story of how their parents met and formed a union of equals.

after they truly got to know each other as people

I love that. And since you don't teach English composition that I know of, Bob, you couldn't have found it in a student essay.

Some students might have written:

After they truly got to know each other in life as people...

A Grimm Perversion
 

A Grimm Perversion

A clever Rumpelstiltskin,
A little manikin,
Saw that the miller’s kin
Could not from straw gold spin
So with a snarky grin
He spun it for her babykin.
But sorrowful for her sin,
She learned his name to win.
Enraged and with chagrin,
He stomped the earth, deep in,
And split into a twin—
A flaccid Rumpledforeskin.

Grimmer Grimm

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair,
so that I may climb the golden stair."

Rapunzel announced from the top of the tower:
"Alas, handsome prince, that is not in my power."

"I don't understand," the dejected prince called.
Rapunzel replied: "Have a look. I am bald."

"What happened?" he asked, and she shouted her answer:
"I gave it away to help women with cancer."

retro-political correctness
 

The Shoemaker and the Elves

A shoemaker whose business plan had been ineptly formulated and under-capitalised found himself facing ruin. Stocks were run down as he defaulted on payment to his suppliers; finally he had enough leather for only one pair of shoes. Despairing, he drank himself to sleep. In the morning, he found a pair of shoes, new and complete, where the leather scraps had been, thanks to some benign elves whom he then recruited as his labour force. Alas, as his fortunes rose his boss-class greed and power-mania asserted themselves, forcing the elves to slave to generate surplus value. A work hierarchy was imposed, allowing the cobbler to divide and rule. But a growing dialectic of exploitation and discontent created a militant, unifying consciousness among the elves. Organised, they struck until the business was near-worthless again, when they took over and restructured it as a workers' co-operative.

Just because Cinderella was working her tail off doing menial work for her evil stepfamily, don't think she didn't have any self-respect. Sure, when the fairy godmother offered to send her to the royal ball, she agreed even though she objected to the whole idea of lavish parties in a world where millions of people were starving. And yes, she had to admit she was genuinely attracted to the prince. But later, when it turned out he didn't even know her by sight, but had to make her try on a shoe to be sure, what was she supposed to conclude from that? Prosopagnosia? Cinderella didn't buy it. She turned down his proposal of marriage. It's better to scrub floors, she knew, than to live in the lap of luxury with a man who doesn't appreciate you.

You remember how Cinderella was exploited by her stepfamily, and, thanks to her Fairy Goddessmother, married Prince Charming and lived happily ever after. But further research reveals the marriage was short-lived. "I wanted to be more than a trophy wife," she told her Fairy Goddessmother, who'd traded her wand for a career in psychotherapy, "more than a royal bimbo." After encountering her stepsisters in a support group, Cinderella realized they were as much victims of childhood abuse as she. "Mother actually cut off my toes to get my foot into that damn slipper!" one of them recalled. Eventually all three were able to transcend the cycle of abuse, and, as their therapist put it, to "re-connect with their inner goddess." To this day they have a close relationship, bolstered by the belief that although Prince Charmings may come and go, "sisterhood is powerful!"

Attachment 393

Lucy, give the extra fiver to Marion Shore!

Thanks, Mary. Hope Lucy agrees.

congratulations!
 

on your Speccie win, Marion.


bazza

THE FISHERMAN AND HIS WIFE

One day, a poor man who practiced sustainable fishing in a cruelty-free manner nevertheless managed to catch a large flounder. He hurried home, where his wife praised his initiative but gently reminded him that it was meatless Monday and flounder is dangerously high in chemicals with harmful long-term health effects. Upon hearing this, the flounder was so grateful that it offered to transform the couple’s hovel into a lavish palace, until the wife explained that such places were not energy-efficient. The fish thereupon suggested several sacks of gold, but the woman being uncertain of the potential tax consequences, demurred and began to question the ethical basis of the flounder’s proferred largesse. Whereupon the fish, anticipating where the conversation was heading, leapt into a nearby frying pan, sautéed itself in a lovely kiwi-buerre-blanc reduction sauce and was wolfed down by the ravenous fisherman along with a crisp organic chardonnay, draughts of hot mercury, and assorted PCBs.

Frank

Ah, I wondered where you had been, Frank. Nice one.