Speccie: Mr Jingle
 

Well, we nearly did it. Only W.J. Webster prevted a Sphere clean sweep this week. Bazza won by a nose with Frank, Bill, Chris and me biting at his heels. We ALL knew about Wallace Stevens. Of course we did.

The new competition has possibilities.

No. 2670: MR JINGLE
You are invited to catapult Dickens’s Mr Jingle into the 21st century and have him deliver an anecdote (150 words maximum). Please submit entries, by email where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 20 October.

For Pete's sake, isn't anybody going to try this thing? We've all read Pickwick, right?

Young woman – set competitions – clever, very – read Dickens – liked him – set a Pickwick comp – no answer – empty inbox – Eratosphere thread a blank – panic – only Greenwell came up with anything – had to write the rest herself – quite enjoyed it – got into the habit – ignored contributions – developed her own literary talent – wrote more and more - editor approving – readers approving - usual compers depressed - didn't get a look in - Whitworth apoplectic – sad – very.

That's funny George but I know you're not going to send it in.

I read Pickwick a hundred years ago, give or take. Could anyone offer a quick Primer on Jingle and the salient characteristics we are to lampoon?

Read Pickwick -- long ago. Saw movie -- quite delightful. But this competition -- way beyond me. Many regrets -- sitting out. Money on Greenwell. (Where's Bazza?)

Roger. look up the bit about Jingle's cricket match against Sir Thomas Blazo, or some such name. I shall see if I can find it.

'Warm!--red hot--scorching--glowing. Played a match once--single wicket--friend the
colonel--Sir Thomas Blazo--who should get the greatest number of runs.--Won the toss--first
innings--seven o'clock A.m.--six natives to look out--went in; kept in--heat intense--natives all fainted--taken away--fresh half-dozen ordered--fainted also--Blazo bowling--supported by
two natives--couldn't bowl me out--fainted too--cleared away the colonel--wouldn't give in--faithful attendant--Quanko Samba--last man left--sun so hot, bat in blisters, ball scorched
brown--five hundred and seventy runs--rather exhausted-- Quanko mustered up last remaining strength--bowled me out-- had a bath, and went out to dinner.'

'And what became of what's-his-name, Sir?' inquired an old gentleman.

'Blazo?'

'No--the other gentleman.'
'Quanko Samba?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Poor Quanko--never recovered it--bowled on, on my account --bowled off, on his own--died, sir.' Here the stranger buried his countenance in a brown jug, but whether to hide his emotion or imbibe its contents, we cannot distinctly affirm. We only know that he paused suddenly, drew a long and deep breath, and looked anxiously on, as two of the principal members of the
Dingley Dell club approached Mr. Pickwick, and said--

'We are about to partake of a plain dinner at the Blue Lion, Sir; we hope you and your friends will join us.'
'Of course,' said Mr. Wardle, 'among our friends we include Mr.--;' and he looked towards the stranger.

'Jingle,' said that versatile gentleman, taking the hint at once. 'Jingle--Alfred Jingle, Esq., of No Hall, Nowhere.'

HEY! I once received a 2 a.m. obscene phone call from this guy!

Write it down then, Julie. Write it down.

metro news
deficits – reduced –
benefits ...
novice Ed strikes blow –
Liverpool prepares

perfect fraud
rare wines – never existed –
high living ...
fast cars – bogus companies –
two-point-five million pounds

weathermen – feel chill
presentators – too many –
behind-the-scene – cuts –
Weather Centre – demotions –
snow expected in Scotland

jingle smells
 

Mr Jingle settled to delivering his tale in accents of benign discovery. 'Novelty of it–bank provides hole in wall–stick ticket in, get money out–going on all day–queuing up, pressing buttons, nothing to it–fellow told me all a Japanese invention–can't answer for that, but ingenious, yes–quick, automatic, no-nonsense–receipt if you wish–but thing is, must have ticket–involves folderol, signatures–perish thought–banks heartless, inquiring creatures–shudder to think–however, watching and waiting noticed some customers distracted, forgetful–take back ticket, leave money in slot–oh careless people–opportunity not to be disregarded–omnium contra omnes–why should not Jingle benefit?–missed chances frequent cause of regret–legerdemain–no hue and cry–repaired to chop house–no disputing money aids digestion–cabinet pudding–port–satisfaction of purse and belly–all-round benevolence–highly improving–stops a fellow getting selfish.'

Alfred Jingle of No Hall, Nowhere – fall of a Noble Name – fall of a Noble House – Fall of the House of Jingle – sad story, very – sad story – old story – prodigal brother – black sheep – brother Emilius – Fred and Emilius – Damon and Pythias – David and Jonathan – inseparable very – alas for Emilius – battle with bottle – bottle victorious – primrose path – everlasting bonfire – mad, bad and dangerous to know – mad, bad scientist – powders and potions – Emilius elated – Emilius translated – Emilius transformed -- brother no longer – brother no more – brother my sister – blot on the landscape – blot on the scutcheon - family name – family blame – family shame – spiteful talk – boat to New York –new name – fresh start – mother dies of broken heart – father never speaks again – Emilius now Emily – Jingle now what? – Pickens? Dickens? – Paterson? Dickinson! – Emily Dickinson – covers her face – sinks without trace – worse and worse – takes to verse – startled grass – miserable very.

‘Heads, heads, take care of your goddamn heads!’ screamed the loquacious stranger, grinning wildly and popping a purple lozenge into his mouth, as with his other hand he veered the speeding convertible toward Las Vegas.

‘Mutants cut her head off right here—sandwich still in her hand—ever tried extract of pineal gland, man? Heads swelled up—like watermelons—my spine turned to marmalade—boot’s full of bootlegged pineal glands—right now—Jesus, did I say that—or just think it—was I talking—did you hear me?’

Mr.Pickwick took another nervous sip from the stranger’s canteen and was on the point of asking him to let them out of the car, when there was a terrible roar; the sky was suddenly filled with giant manta rays, all swooping and diving around them, and Mr. Tupman’s voice was yelling from the backseat: ‘Holy mother of God, get these luminous leeches off of me!'

Frank