Speccie: New Leaf
 

Chris O'Carroll, Bazza and George Simmers all on top form. Marion Shore and Bob Schechter just miss out. What will they, and the rest of us also-rans, make of this one? Watch for the early closing date.

No. 2678: NEW LEAF
You are invited to provide the New Year’s resolutions of well-known fictional villains (please specify). Please email entries (150 words max.) to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 8 December.
NB The early closing date is because of New Year printing deadlines.

Gollum, I mean Smeagol, admitsss that Smeagol iss powerlesss over wicked, sly addiction . . . yesss, that Smeagol, I mean Gollum’s life has become unmanageable . . . . Gollum believesss that a . . . a . . . a . . . power greater than ourselves can restore us to ssssanity. Gollum has made a decision to turn hisss life over to Master, as he understands him . . . We have made a fearlesss and sssearching inventory and we still can’t find the ring, precious, yess, precious, and we wants it, we needsss it. Gollum will make a lissst of all the nasssty, tricksy people who harmsss and hurts usss, and we will make direct amends on themssss, oh, yes, my precious, direct amendssssss, on all the evil ones, starting with Masster and Smeagol . . .

Frank

Satan's New Year's Resolutions

• send child-support payment to Rosemary
  
• quit smoking (and bursting into flame)
  
• eat less food cake
  
• find new and creative ways to torment Job
  
• work on perfecting my cackle
  
• install energy efficient furnaces for the Simoniacs in Circle VIII
  
• provide more excrement for Circle III
  
• find more 'me' time

Heehee. These are both great!

On this day, 1st January, c. 1200 Anno Domini, I Claudius, King of Denmark hereby resolve to:

1. Dispatch meddlesome nephew (note to self: find smarter minions than R&G)
2. Bring in exorcist to clear castle of ghosts
3. Replace old gasbag Polonius
4. Tell cook to stop serving rancid funeral meats
5. Settle up with Fortinbras.
6. Confess more frequently (you never know)

Desdemona

My Dearest Cassio - I blush to profane the spotless pages of this letter with details of our base, foul, and lecherous misdeeds - the memory of which, even now, causeth my hand to tremble so that my script resembleth not mine own – nevertheless, do I now resolve, never again to make with you the beast with two backs – or the end-table with four legs – or even the radiant lotus blossom with one thingie and a whatsis. Until, say, next Wednesday, at 2pm, behind the rectory? Unless the vigilant Iago should again thwart our plans - curse his damned loyalty! Alack, I hear the Moor – I shall hide this missive in Othello’s sock drawer, where he shan’t think to look for it betimes, for there is much I would confess and resolve with you, and you alone, sweet Cassio!

Yrs in lewdest wantonness, XXXOX :)
Desdemona

1. Get flea collars for flying monkeys
2. Get waterproof clothing
3. Make soldiers stop wailing that monotonous drone
4. Spend less time in front of crystal ball
5. Learn to sky write
6. Get Dorothy
7. And her little dog too

Voldemort...

1. To finally get some botox.
2. To accept the invite from strictly come dancing.
3. To cut my nails once a week.
4. To listen to what Gok said.
5. Be nicer.
6. Learn to play golf.
7. To phone my mother more than I do.
8. To really just get on and write that novel.
9. wear more hats.
10. Kill Harry Potter.

Dave,

Brilliant.

Can you just tidy it up a bit, though? 'invite' (verb) instead of 'invitation' (noun) is a bugbear of mine; Strictly Come Dancing with capitals and in italics; start no.9 with a capital W. 'botox' might need a capital B as well but I'm not certain (is it a brand name?). Do 5,9 and 10 need to start with 'To', like the rest?

Just nit-picking, but it's well worth setting it out right on the page IMO.

Death

Be not proud.
Buy a new canary.
Stop boring people quite so much.
Take a holiday.
Stop picking up American spinsters.
Play less chess – learn Halo.
Update ensemble (note to self: Snuggly?)
Ditch the scythe for a garden ride-on tractor.
Wear more pastels.
Institute upgraded Business Class.
Change publicists.
Always be selling.

I didn`t realise i was gonna get critted !

I`d have taken more time otherwise. I forgot one;

11. Walk the West Highland Way

(everyone here says that every f-ing year)

.................................................. ..........

I like death BTW Fosen. Cool. Is he really a fictional villan?
maybe the bid daddy patron saint of all fictional villans...

DC

I initially tagged him as "Mr. D," but changed it, since I'd edited out "sue Mick and Keith for writing credit." Maybe Lucy will find the cloak and sickle references sufficient.

Frank

Sorry, Dave, I find it hard to get out of teacher-mode. It's spelt 'villains' btw - oops, there I go again! See what I mean?

On a more serious note, sometimes we don't see our own mistakes, that's all. I really loved your entry :)

New Leaf

Try to be nice. That poncy, stuck-up bastard
Who shags it if it moves, and gets well-plastered,
Be nice to him. What if he pinched your job?
Pity the smooth, effete, affected snob.

Try to be nice. Be nice to coloured chaps.
They do their best. Remember you perhaps
Might in another life have been a savage
Who knew no better than to rape and ravage.

Try to be nice. Be nice to bloody fools.
Don’t flatter them and use them as your tools.
It’s not his fault if some poor bugger’s thick,
The useless, spineless, miserable prick.

Try to be nice. Be nice to womankind.
She needs your help. She hasn’t got a mind.
And in particular, to lessen strife,
Be nicer to your very stupid wife.

thanks Jayne.I can`t spell for tofee.

HA!!! Fantastic, John. Truly.

I love it, John.

And Dave, on your question of whether the devil is a fictional villain, how about Paradise Lost? although Johnson (I think it was Johnson) did argue that Satan was the hero of that work, and that Milton was "of the Devil's party."
I love yours too, Frank.

I believe it was Blake who said that of Milton, preceding it with the assertion that he was "a true poet".

Great stuff, John!

Maryann, I think Dave asked if death was a fictional villain, not the devil. A closer call, I think, since death actually exists in real life, though perhaps without a scythe and a black robe.

Pardon my error, Roger, and Dave. I think we can call Death the fictional villain of the various folk tale types in which he appears, can't we? Ann, thanks for the correction.

John

Is the piece supposed to rhyme and scan--like yours? Yours did, but the others didn't. Whazzup?

It doesn't have to be in verse, Lance, because Lucy doesn't say it does. My entry is in verse because that's the only thing I do. If I had my way ALL the competitions would be in verse, because it would increase my chances of winning. But then if I had my way nothing in FREE verse would be called a poem at all and I would be Poet Laureate. Do I live in the past? Indeed I do and very nice it is here, I can tell you. Britannia rules the waves. W.G. Grace is batting and we beat the Australians ALL the time.

But we do have computers and mobile phones.

...and "the lavatory paper is better", eh, John? ;)

How true, Ann. How very true. And another thing that's better is the railway trains. I got on a bullet of a thing last Monday and was transported to central London in about fifty minutes. Scarcely time to sit down. State of the Art. State of the Art. Previous best time an hour and a half.

Is it Boris what dunnit?

That's on a par with Robert Frost's "Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down", John.