Oldie Biscuits
 

Basil Ransome Davies got an honourable mention and Lance Levens won the tea-set. Hearty congratulations to him.

The new competition is odd. I'm not sure how to take it. However, I'm sure you will foind ways.

COMPETITION NO 134
One of the stranger aspects of Gordon Brown's premiership was his uncertainty about which biscuits he liked. Perhaps he had no use for them. So a poem, please, called 'The Use of Biscuits'. Maximum 16 lines.
Entries to 'Competition No 134 by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London WiT3EG), fax (020 74368804) or email (comps@theoldie.co.uk) by 11 February. Don't forget to include your postal address.

Rimbaud spoke of a drunken boat, but you seem to have a drunken computer, John. Kudos and cake to Lance (will it survive the Atlantic's sundering salt?) and commiserations to the HMs. B.R-D's Chinese cat reminded me of a local takeaway with at least a dozen of them of all sizes, some vigorously waving. I'm never sure whether calling cats were originally Chinese and naturalised in Japan as maneki-neko, or the other way round.

Sorry about that. Orl Korrect now I hope.

The Use of Biscuits

Among the foods some label 'junk'
there's one alone it's fun to dunk
if you are brave enough to risk it
in your coffee: yes, the biscuit.

Surely you'd offend your host
were you to dunk your scone or toast
but no one would think ill of you
for dunking biscuits in your brew.

Yet once you're dunked it, don't delay:
remove that biscuit right away!
Or else you might be heard to mumble,
'That's the way the biscuits crumble.'

Roger, that's very nice. I'll put an old ten shilling note on it. Meanwhile, here's mine. I'll put a ten shilling note on this too. I like it better than most of my entries lately.


The Use of Biscuits

What is the use of biscuits? What
Have biscuits, in their essence, got
That cakes or crisps or crumpets lack?
The perfect or platonic snack,
Adjunctive to a cup of tea;
Are biscuits all that this might be?
Or are they an irrelevance,
A hypocritical pretence,
A mask, a mummery, a sham?
Do biscuit-junkies give a damn
For values decent people feel?
Betrayers of the commonweal
Of common sense and common good,
Of modesty and motherhood!
Race-hate, date-rape and child-abusing
Can all be linked with biscuit using.

John,

That one is hilarious.

Thank you' Jessie. I giggled a bit myself, I do confess.

John, very funny, but it left me feeling that biscuits can use some defending from your unfair accusations, so:

The Uses of Biscuits

How do I use thee? Let me count the ways.
I use thee as a snack that seems just right
Most mornings, afternoons, and late at night,
When served on paper napkins or on trays.
I use thee as the balm of every day's
Most quiet need, to slake my appetite.
I use thee daily, pausing for a bite.
I use thee plainly, with or without glaze.
I use thee with the passion put to use
When I was still as slender as a wraith.
I use thee with the love I'd never lose
As I grew stout. I use thee with the breath,
Tastes, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I'll use thee still in heaven after death.

The Use Of Biscuits

It’s possible that biscuits hold the answers
To all the problems Man will ever see.
But their packaging is such that extracting them’s too much
For the average Homo Sap. like you and me.

Thus, a Custard Cream might fend off global warming
And a Hobnob might prevent a World War Three.
But they’re so hard to get into that I really can’t begin to
Judge what each biscuit's talent might just be .

A Garribaldi might supply cheap fuel
Or save you from a mauling by a bear
Or become a brilliant dancer or provide us with an answer
To the Rubik’s Cube, the 'flu or Ryannair.

But the talents of all biscuits are uncertain,
Though rumours say they’re good to dunk in tea.
But, as long as they say, “Tear” and the lift-up flap’s not there,
A biscuit’s full potential’s hard to see.

Nice one, Martin.

Martin, I find I'm trying to sing it to "Galway Bay" (not quite succeeding, but it's an amusing idea).

I wrong-footed one line metrically at first reading. Would you consider italics on "so" in this line, to help a reader out a bit?

But they’re so hard to get into that I really can’t begin to

Enjoyed.

John, Thanks for that. I have tweaked it a bit and may well submit it to La Belle Castro. It will be my first serious crack at impressing her in years, though I did once win her whisky with a sonnet on IVF. I doubt if my friends would offer such profuse thanks for a cup of tea, though -- or have to spend the night in our spare room afterwards!
Do you know who La Castro is and what her credentials are for the job? Should we be seeking the key to her psyche by reading her "Collected Works", or is she the "cartoonist" Castro who adds captions to old film and advertisement pics?

Maryann, I see what you mean about Danny Boy. So (!) near and yet .... You will see that I was so impressed with your suggestion about italics that I have now used it twice -- or more!

The Use of Biscuits

Long ago, in Her Majesty’s Navy,
Their purpose was perfectly clear.
A pound of ship’s biscuit was every hand’s ration,
Dipped in a gallon of beer.

That sawdusty hardtack sustained them
And battened the hatch in a squall.
But now the great glory of biscuits is having
No practical uses at all.

Some argue they’re good for digestion;
Such folk are deluded or coy.
Bickies as health food? The very suggestion!
Their use is pure pleasure and joy.

Like poems, they comfort and cheer us;
Without them, no teatime’s complete.
O rich tea and ginger nut, oatmeal and chocolate—
You make our life savoury and sweet!

The Use of Biscuits

You ask what's the use of a biscuit?
Well, eating ranks high on my list.
And eating, for me, is important.
I eat, and therefore I exist.

When everything else can be doubted,
and thinking itself is a dream,
a biscuit alone can convince me
I am and I do not just seem.

Transatlantic Usage

When we say biscuit, we don't really mean it.
We bake it once and eat it steaming hot
with butter, honey, jelly, jam or gravy.
A packaged biscuit wouldn't hit the mark.

What you call biscuits, we call cookies, crackers,
or maybe we have don't even have a name
for things you like, but which strike us as foreign,
which may be soggy, dry, or in between.

Our common tongue divides us on this theme;
come visit, and we'll feed you what we mean.

Nope, Martin. I don't know who Tessa Castro is. There's one on Facebook but she appears to be twenty years old. Ingrams in a dress?

"What is the use of biscuits, pray?"
An Oldie contest asks us all.
To which I answer, "Fame and pay
For such as Fearnley-Whittingstall!"


http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandsty...-whittingstall

John, Not a happy thought! From now on I may only read The Oldie while wearing Marigolds.

Some great poems here. I've been dealing with some stuff that has kept me from writing or posting for a while, hope you don't mind me jumping right in.

The Uses of Biscuits


I use them to ruin the diets
of skinny young bitches at work,
and bribe my fat boss, who adores me.
His naiveté is a perk!
When flying I toss them to kiddies
to stop the brats’ whining and fits.
The round ones make excellent pasties,
( the kind that you put on your tits)
although my man is diabetic
and calls me a tease, it’s okay
because he is also bulimic,
he has biscuits and sex twice a day.

Ah biscuits, young and at our ease
We scoff you as and when we please;
You're harmless fancies to indulge
Without a thought for spot or bulge.

But, older now, not quite so thin,
We drop you in the refuse bin
And swear back on the road we’ll start
To slender form and healthy heart.

And that’s your use, to cover both
Excess of food and simple sloth;
These cause opprobrium and shame -
So, biscuits, you must take the blame.

THE USE OF BICUITS

The others who entered this contest
say much that's in need of debunking.
Despite what they write in their ditties,
the sole use of biscuits is dunking.

I have no use at all for certain biscuits:
I dodge those horrid ones with ‘plastic’ jam.
I won’t become obese
from eating so-called Nice
(which, actually, are nasty) but I am
quite partial to the ones depicting cattle
- they’re made with milk and taste distinctly malty.
There is no use for Tuc;
they absolutely suck:
No structural integrity. Too salty.
But... oh, the ones that send me into raptures:
delightful discs; robust when dunked; divine;
there are no ifs or buts -
when ‘using’ Gingernuts
I’m on a high, transported to cloud nine!

(In my opinion Nice biscuits are not nice, and Jammie Dodgers are the work of the Devil! For those who don't have the same 'bickies' as we have in the UK, the others that I like are called Malted Milk, which have a cow embossed on them. But as for Gingernuts, dunked in a mug of tea - bordering on orgasmic...mmmmmmm!!!!!!)
Oops, sorry, got a bit carried away there... :)