Speccie Names
 

Bazza gets the fiver, Frank takes a prize and Chris O'Carroll, George Simmers, Bob Schechter and me have to chew on the bones of an Hon Mensh. Plenty of material for Martin Parker who had an HM too!

The new competition is a variation on the old publishing one that gave us Eileen Dover, Tudor Titsoff and Mustapha Fagg. Come to that, Mustapha Fagg could surely make a belated return here as a Gay Rights Liaison Officer. I said it FIRST!

No. 2690: Malcolm Tent
You are invited to invent names to fit jobs, for example, Lois Carmen Denominator, maths teacher, or Malcolm Tent, drama critic. Up to ten entries each. Please email entries, where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 23 March.

I make no claim to originality. There are lots of ideas on the internet. Just google Eileen Dover.

Jesus Wotan R. Sole: Parking Meter Attendant
Mustapha Fagg: Gay Rights Officer
Ivor Seamus Hugh Squire: Publican

You mean, like Detective Constable R. Slicker of 999 Lettsby Avenue?

That's IT Ann!

If stealing ones you find on the internet is acceptable, the best collection I know of comes at the end of the radio show, "Car Talk," which I suppose is not known in the UK. They do their "credits," and some of them are quite funny. They also post a definitive list of them here:

http://jfi.uchicago.edu/~tten/Funny%...20Credits.html

Well, that puts you in with a real chance, RS - Lucy won't know about Car Talk but she probably fell out of her pram groaning at Ivor Windybottom and R U C Reous. This is one for the Merkins.

Well, I really did know a woodwind teacher named Wilder Schmaltz.

Esther

I knew the son of a German teacher who had his students call him Herr Lipp.

Susan

I think what you have to do is make the names long and tortuous.
What about:

V.F.M.N.X. Forte the Caterer
C.D.G.G. Runne the trainer
C.D.N. Boosey the journalist

I could go on like this all day

As for cars

Morris Oxford
Austen Cambridge
Umber Auk
Austen Healey (he actually exists and played for England at Rugby)

I'm not sure they are relevant and anyhow all out of date. It's a long time since I took an interest in cars

Helena Handcart: President of the Humanist Association
Vic R.F. Godde: the Pope

Although I think one could probably get away with stealing what one finds online, I gave it a try to come up with ten on my own. I didn't Google them, so for all I know some of these have been done before:


Pierce Stiers -- women's jewelry salesman
Selma Boddie -- prostitute
Sandy Butz -- beach bum
Ron N. Hyde -- army deserter
Imus Florit -- race car driver
Adam Upp -- census taker
Lance Boyle -- dermatologist
Diane Moulder -- mortician
Joe King -- comedian
Jerry Rigg -- handyman

*

Tucker Cheeks -- plastic surgeon
Hugh Better -- extortionist
Hugh Betcha -- former governor of Alaska
Howard Hugh Vote -- pollster
Justin Sane - - serial killer
Jean Patcher -- tailor

Good stuff. Diane Moulder MUST be a win.

Alas! Miss twee Diane Moulder!

Caesar Topliss - Casting Director

Cher Thyngge-Shewin - Producer's daughter

Gertrude Knightly - Stripper

Sheba Lowes - Sex Worker

Mannfred P. Squatting - Female Impersonator

Lester C. Downbellow - Female Impersonator after gender reassignment

Shelley Wynne - Candidate for Office

Candice-Eve Marx - Con Artist

Hugh Jacks - Tree-feller

Allison Dennis-Knott - Stripper again

Rob Witt-Sornoff - Armed Blagger

Wanda Watt-Wenton - C.I.D. Officer

Trudi Ayre-Quigley - Test Pilot

Polly Titian - Avian Portrait Painter

Awesome, Roger. LOL-ing over here.

Philip, you seem to have an obsession. Nice work.

Ivor Hugh Jacks?
Ivor Hugh Jago: Member of Parliament

Thanks, Mary and John. And Phil, love Hugh Jacks.

Dashed off a few more this early morning:

Candice Pence -- chemist (pharmacist)
Ima Lyon -- politician
Seymour Butz -- gastrointerologist (this one must have been done before)
Otto Glass -- car repair
Reed Moore -- librarian
Rose Ettta Stone -- archaeologist

Roger, HILarious!

This is fun. Here are a few:

Ginger Vitus - dentist

Cal S. Bunyon - podiatrist

May Kin Mu Lah - stock broker

Gary Shart - antiques dealer

Sly Singh Meets - deli guy

Mr. E. Saul Verre - private eye

Very clever, Diana. I especially like Cal and Gary.

And I like the Private Eye

Lotta Beard and Lotta Virgins: Terrorists

Thanks, Roger and John.

That's funny. "Lotta" certainly has a lotta possibilities!

Here's another that popped in my head. Maybe it's been done?

Bert A. Bray - chiropractor

Esther Gin -- endocrinologist

Sal Ed Barr -- restauranteur

Hugh Peptic -- dietician

Silas Grinmore -- motivational speaker

Maggie Nicarter -- constitutional lawyer

Bart N. Derre -- bartender

Gene Splicer -- geneticist

Harry Caine -- storm chaser

Sue Namie -- seismologist

Washington F. Sox -- laundramat owner

LOL!

Milton N. Parvough - Minimalist

Miss Terry Ryder -- mystery writer

Amahl en Sheezal - Adolescent Raconteur

Quincy M. Cumming – Failed Futurist

Rhina Recession - Economist

Alicia Flatt - Rental Agent

Basil Windiss-Wuntu - Speccie Contestant

Tennyson E. Wong - Athletic Poet

Wallace Kahn, Wallace Bright - Professional Carollers [sometimes with the latter's sister, Marion]

Aldous N. Moore - Utopian

Barbara Righam - Beano Saleswoman

Eugenia Sphertess-Astor – Alpine Guide

Susan Bills -- barrister

Bill N. Sioux -- debt collector

Sally Forth -- adventurer

Phil Zrup -- petrol station attendant

Sam O. Rye -- warrier

Sam O. Varr -- waiter

Les Ismore -- aesthetician

Maury Sless -- another aesthetician

Caryn Shoppe -- pedestrian

Carl S. Mann -- another pedestrian

Dan Sansing -- entertainer

Roger, if you don't win this... wow.

Thanks, Mary, but I don't think you get extra points for writing a lot of them.

In fact, I don't know how they're going to give out prizes this time. After all, if they are judging a name at a time, that means there will be a lot more than five or six winners, and the prize money will be considerably less as well.

I'm also wondering if the 10 name limit means that we can't use pseudonms this time, or do you think (John) that we can submit 10 per pseudonym?

I think they just want ten per person. And you're right. There won't be all that much money per name. I think we worked out she has £150 per week to give out. If she has, say, fifty names that would be £3.00 each.

Noah Peale -- judge

Bruce Humpty -- cafe owner

Rolanda Fleur -- comedian

N. A. Sayer - Critic
Clem N. C. Myass - Hanging judge
U. R. Bustard - Policeman
O. I. C. U. R. A. Wiseman - IQ tester
Phil Ingood - Drug dealer

These are far too addictive. I mean, I should change my name to A. Dick Tidd. But no, I think maybe it's wiser to change my name to Cole Turkey since it's clear that Imus Quitt before I turn into Lou Smy Mind. So I sent my ten in already and you can now call me Al Donne.

Roger, why not send in more batches under pen names? Maybe you could win the whole pot of pounds.

I wondered about that (#26), Mary, but John seems to think that this time pseudonyms aren't kosher (#27).

That's okay. If I can't get a piece of the action with my top ten, the rest are unlikely to deliver either.

Kirsten Ranted – shock jock
Mercedes Chardonnay Sawful – wine critic
Benny Colin Pints – healthy-eating enthusiast
Dave Ornight – lighting cameraman
Roger Slater - abhors sex before marriage
Bernard Isobel Heaver - fundamentalist
Wendy Wifesaway – hooker
Robert X. Payer – public servant
Eddie Torquil Isbest– runs a Luddite magazine
Pauli Feat – claimant for disability benefit

George those are brilliant, particularly Roger Slater which is quite up to the standard of Tudor Titsoff, and no praise could be higher. We MUST getaround to posting these. There MUST be money in it, even if not much.

Godfrey Preacher -- secular evangelist

George, I second John's enthusiasm for "Roger Slater" in particular - I wish I'd thought of that when I was reviewing Sphere names.

Frank

I wasn't acquainted with the slang term that would have told me that my own pseudonym was a goldmine, but perhaps there is a slight problem with it as an entry to the competition . . . "abhors sex before marriage" isn't a "job" and the competition seems to call for names that fit particular jobs, not just character traits and such. Perhaps it won't matter, but if you could fit the joke to a job it would probably be better.

Hmmm...
So maybe - Roger Slater: Poet who moonlights as a gigolo?

That one strikes a little too close to home. But I like it.

George and I were talking about these today, over a cup of tea and George's heavenly chocolate brownies (highly worthy of a poem, but I digress)...

I had to admit that I don't 'get' some of them at all (I'm not saying which ones), which means that, either:
a) they're far too obscure, b) you're all far too clever, or c) I'm thick.

Yeah, it's probably 'c'.