Speccie: Alice's Adventures
 

Bazza scored twice and Frank Osen, George Simmers and myself once each. Rude entries did not make the cut. By the way, you have to pronounce Menzies as Mingis, as we Scots do, to make sense of one of the entries.


No. 2693 what alice did next
You are invited to supply an extract from a hitherto undiscovered Lewis Carroll work, Alice’s Adventures in ... (Parliament? Ayia Napa? It’s up to you to fill in the blanks, but 150 words maximum). Please email entries, where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 13 April.

Wot's Ayia Napa? Someone tell me please.

John,

Ayia Napa is a resort in Cyprus where the 'clubbing' set go, to get drink, drugs, sex...

No, I haven't been there either.

It's a resort in Cyprus where rich footballers and other celebs get together to party mindlessly. Give me Bognor any day of the week.

As Jayne has already explained.

Bugger Bognor...

Thank you. I've never been to Bognor either. I have been to Weston-super-Mare, though. The fast-track high life has not entirely passed me by.

I've been to Joppa beach too. That's Joppa near Edinburgh you understand.

I once had an interesting experience with two fattish girls (Tweedledum and T'dee?) in Swanage. But it is a hard place to find a rhyme for ....... and Lucy is obviously expecting prose, anyway. Shame, really.

I don't care what Lucy's expecting. She'll get a poem from me.

something something something something something on a mission.
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the Coalition.

I'm working on it.

Here it is.

The Waverers’ Waltz

‘Will you walk a little faster?’ said the contumacious Clegg.
‘There’s a Radical behind me and he’s biting on my leg.
What we need’s a turn of speed to shake the lefty blighter off.
I might seem to be a Liberal but really I’m a toff.
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the Coalition?
It ‘s a miracle of fission. It’s a movement with a mission.’

‘Though the Opposition’s frightful, yet our Government’s delightful.
We are passing lots of laws to save our Nation from the banks.
We must silence all the shouters and put backbone in the doubters
You must trust me, I’m your leader and deserve your heartfelt thanks.
Won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you join the Coalition?
I’m a pushy politician. It’s a permanent condition.’

‘That’s a very interesting dance to watch,’ said Alice.

tickled
 

Nice twist, John. James M. Cain called Alice's Adventures in Wonderland 'the greatest novel in the English language'. Not a lot of people know that.

Don't know about Bognor, but Skegness was the resort of choice for Adrian Mole's family.

Alice at the Olympics


The Athletes were much too self-absorbed to notice Alice, but a large besuited figure suddenly boomed: “Young person! Do you do sport? Then you must be obese!”
Alice considered this comment unpleasantly personal, and might have responded by remarking on his own rounded figure, until she realised that the effect of plumpness came from his coat’s being so very well-stuffed with banknotes (which seemed unusual in this Land of Cuts).
“Obese!” he repeated. “Young people just watch television! That’s why we need these Olympical games!”
“So in your games,” said Alice, interested, “obese young people will run and jump, to become thinner?”
“No glory in that!” he snorted loftily. “Athletes run. Athletes jump. Obese people watch them on television.”
“And will that make the young people thinner?”
“Of course! Or we wouldn’t have a legacy. That should be obvious to anyone.”