Speccie Four Letter Words
 

Some of us spotted George's winner in the paddock. Spotting is not quite as good as writing alas. Let us not forget Bill and Bazza, the terrible twins, winning good place money. Well done all three.

The new competition is a writing exercise I used to set in the days when I worked for my living. I never did it though. Time to start.

No. 2706: four letter words
You are invited to supply a plausible and entertaining piece of prose written using words of only four letters (150 words maximum). Email entries, if possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 20 July.

My Speccie has just dropped through the letterbox and the cover this week is the most gloriously glossy paper.

I'm coming out of the closet - I am a glossy paper fetishist! I get a lovely feeling all over when I handle it. (Is there a word for this?)

The current four letter word challenge looks like a good 'un, Bazz(a), Bill, Georg(e), John, Roge(r), Chri(s), Fran(k), et al.

This one looks too hard and time-consuming, so I'm unlikely to give it a whirl. But anyone who takes it on might find this page helpful:

http://www.scrabble.org.au/words/fours.htm

Do you reckon contractions like "she's" and "can't" are allowed?

I reckon I don't have any idea.

I reckon I haven't a clue either, but all my instincts are telling me to err on the side of caution. I reckon that means no.

Look at it this way - if contractions are permissable, those of us who don't employ them will (maybe) get extra Brownie points. Where do you draw the line? Would you say, for example, that 'ain't' counts as a four-letter word in place of 'am/are not'? I don't think it does.

Of course, my opinion could be a total load of _ _ _ _ (Substitute your own four-letter word.) What do I know? :rolleyes:

I reckon contractions are allowed. I was considering 'twas.

'Twas upon that good ship 'True Love',
Lord, Lord, that love made Blue Love.
Upon that prow
Were pros enow.
That crew knew such true blue love!

Alas, no poetry.

ho hum
 

I'm with Jayne on contractions, & in any case if you're good enough you shouldn't even be thinking of them. Plurals of 3-letter words OK, I'd say.

Main problem: Betjeman tied his poem to a particular 1950s storm in a teacup over language-use & class (google 'U and non-U English' if need be for clarification). Both have been extensively modified over the past 50+ years. Hence the issue is to find a contemporary equivalent to the giveaway euphemised vocabulary of yesteryear's counter-jumpers. I haven't cracked it yet.

The curious thing, Bzza, is thaT some of the U and non-U versions still have force among certain kinds of people. Toilet, for instance. And when you have your dinner. But since what everybody nowadays wants to be is working class, unlike middle class like thee and me, Bazza, the thing doesn't apply, except among very silly people. Who may well read the Speccie, I think.

Where do you suppose Dave goes for a pee. Lavatory? Toilet? Loo? In my youth I went to the kludgie, but not now. I fear it is lavatory. I very much fear it is.

What about the geography?

Incidentally, why do politicians all refer to 'a dog's breakfast'.Dogs don't have breakfasts. The phrase is surely 'a dog's dinner'.

2 different idioms, john
 

See http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/114550.html

If "ain't" is a no-no, what about "no-no"? And what about deliberate illiteracies ("nite," "lite," "thru") and cyberspace acronyms ("lmao")? This is getting complicated -- #*@!

At least we have arse to save our ass.

I have to admit, one of the first words I thought of was 'arse', but I 'ain't' going to use it.

As for things like 'nite', 'lite' and 'thru', Chris, - a definite 'no-no' IMO, and I'll be very dismayed if Lucy permits them; the phrase 'cop-out' springs to mind!

Find this comp very hard. Have made list. Will this lady stay sane???

Here's a first attempt, following Bazza's tough rules:

‛Each word must have four what?’ Edna tuts. ‛Some comp! Does this Lucy care that such work must send folk gaga? What type will love this task? Some word nerd! Some jerk! Some geek, some idle gent! (Gent, sure. What girl will idle life away with such dumb crap?) This bozo, this dozy male bozo, will lose days, deep into this dumb task, this play with words, with zero heed that rich life zips past fast, till near coma. What then will this busy twit have made? Some mere crap, like most male junk, rife with smut, most like.’
Edna turns dumb some secs, then sobs, with pale lips taut, with wide eyes damp, with hair awry. Then this very nice girl cries very loud: ‛Smut! This comp will mean vile gags, dirt, just lewd muck. Life must mean more than this.’
Poor Edna.

Great stuff - though, like Edna, I think it would be better without the secs.

Good one, George. I doubt there will be many better.

This is my offering; couldn't do it without any contractions but I kept them to a minimum.


How’s your body? Huge? Don’t know when your feet were last seen? Come here then!

SELF HELP BOOT CAMP will deal with your crap life.

Don’t just wish. Don’t just diet with lame hope.
Stun your wife with slim hips, trim arms/legs, nice firm buns!
Tone your pecs. Lose that lard.

SELF HELP BOOT CAMP will work. FACT.

Less food.
Away with junk.
Quit fags, beer, wine.
Long runs will lose that flab.

SELF HELP BOOT CAMP will sort your life, we’re sure.

Don’t ever look back. Plan your stay. Don’t tell; just come here.
Work hard with bona fide team. (Pain plus gain – hold onto that!)

Then... back home, show your fine body.
Make love; give your wife this hero, this star – this idol!

Ring SELF HELP BOOT CAMP soon. Don’t wait. We’re here.

That's excellent too. It lends itself to adman speak. I'm still working on my UKIP screed. UKIP is a word according to me. But poor Nigel will have to be neat nice Nige. Americans will have to look UKIP up. Our version of the tea-party.

Both wild witty* work. Good luck.


*tried 4-letters, no luck.

Nice one, Jayne. Thanks for comments, everyone.

This is another one Lucy is going to hell for.

This, as Joyce might say, is a work in progress.

Must true Brit kiss Euro arse? Must tart thin wine rack beer guts when warm ales rule here! Must bold Brit fawn, lick Euro boot? Nope! Ever nope!

Alas, alas! Care worn soft slug, tame toad, bend down your head. Shall evil envy seal your doom? Shall ugly Huns boss sons? Shall oily Wops take jobs? Shall idle gits from land afar rule here? Shall wily nobs from over sour salt seas grow rich from rape, from riot, from such foul play that mars each rank drug fest. Defy! Deny! Make void! Walk tall! Take holy oath – over your dead body. This vile no-no must pass away.

Make hard fist. Kick butt. Slay Tory pigs that turn blue coat. Slay reds from dull dolt guru Marx. Slay gaga wind farm fans. Vote free fair isle that fits this fine hero race. Vote snug. Vote warm. Vote cosy Nige! Vote UKIP!

Can't speak for Lucy, John, but I'd say these, by rights, should be: 'jackboot', 'care-worn', 'nobhead', 'overseas' and 'turncoat'. 'Brit' and 'Tory' also need capitals.

Sorry, but I think some of your four letter words... aren't! :o

Don't be difficult, Jayne. A rule is meant to be broken. What is the difference between a knob and a nob?

Please, Jayne - don't go there! :eek:

Ann,

Thanks for giving me a good Monday morning laugh :D

John,
Ann's right; far be it from me to answer your question!

I'm glad you were well brought up, Jayne. I've actually changed the thing taking in some of the wise things you said. Is Wop more insulting and less pc than Wog? But of course this isn't me speaking. It's a vile Farage-ist.

When Theo sits down, Gran says, "Oiks will come." “What oiks?" Theo asks idly. Esme says, "Ewan told Gran that lots near Hyde Hall will turn into this huge mall next June." "With pubs," adds Gran, "Oiks will swig beer next door!" This daft cant that Gran buys from Ewan irks Theo. “Come, dear, none dare. Hyde Mall? What tosh,” Theo tuts. “More like Hyde Hell,” says Gran, eyes wide. "Look, Hyde Hall will stay sans oiks," Theo vows. “Mobs will shop here,” cries Gran, wild. “Neon near your neat, trim nest? This auld home, chez nous? Oafs less ruly than rats will park, roam, stay late; nosy cows will poke onto your turf. Foil this plan!” "Ahem, Gran,” coos Esme, “more meds?” Then, past nine, Esme sews, Theo nods. “Rats,” says Gran, soft. “Rich toff toad, snob wife, boat, polo pony, four ugly kids. Suit them both fine, that.”

Frank

Of all the pieces posted here, yours flows most naturally, Frank. It must win, along with Jayne's.

According to that great cricketer, Matthew Hoggard, Tony Blair is 'a bit of a nob'. I don't think he meant upper-class, do you?

"Shall" in John's and "swill" in Frank's are one letter too long. I hope my editorial eye is that sharp where my own effort is concerned. This comp finds this chap edgy, wary. (I had to re-read that sentence several times to spot the disqualifying word.)

**********

It occurs to me belatedly that "swig" might be a viable replacement for "swill." Not sure what to substitute for "shall."

'must' I think. Thanks Chris

Thanks, Chris - luckily I haven't sent it yet.