Speccie Beatlemania 25th April
 

I have to admit the splendid winners here put my own offering to shame. Bazza and Chris were there doing their bit, doing their bits.

Could this one be a poem? Could Party Leaders speak in verse. Boris or Obama might.


No. 2745: Beatlemania
You are invited to submit an extract (of up to 150 words) from a leader’s speech to a party conference, incorporating the titles of as many Beatles songs as possible. Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 25 April.

Good morning, good morning. Revolution? We can work it out with a little help from my friends in high places. I'm so tired of the piggies in Parliament, the blackbirds in the Bastille! I am the walrus of the White House. "Baby, you're a rich man" is what no one says to me. Tell me why you never give me your money. Is it because, back in the U.S.S.R., happiness is a warm gun? Let us come together to get back the penny lanes from mean Mr. Mustard and his glock-toting minions. All we need is love, a savoy truffle, and a glass onion. But not too much love. You won't see me hobnobbing with sexy Sadies, lovely Ritas, and long tall Sallys. Run for your life to the ballot box. You know my name (look up the number), she knows, your mother should know. I am what's best here, there and everywhere across the universe. Hello. Goodbye. Good night. The end.

My fellow Umbilicans, the yellow submarine lined with Norwegian wood to add stealth capability gives Urania a ticket to ride to hemispherical domination, no carnival of light. Yesterday, we let it be but do you want to know a secret? We shall work it out ourselves, by fixing a hole in our intelligence network and then things will start getting better, here, there, and everywhere, for everyone from plain Eleanor Rigby in the back office to dear Prudence and Michelle here with me on the platform. Personally, this being for the benefit of Mr Kite and his misguided followers, I'll follow The Sun, in calling for no reply to the feelers put out by that nowhere man, that failed former paperback writer currently heading the so-called Uranian peace initiative committee. Trust me, and I shall lead you into the sunny strawberry fields forever, provided I achieve re-election when I'm sixty-four.

I didn't think of 'follow The Sun', but I did think of 'We need a wall against communism. I am the wall. Russia....' Shame about the spelling.

Orwn and Jerome,

Those both make me feel like giving up before I've even started, but I'll have a go.

(J - you're missing an 'i' in 'intelligence', which has a degree of i-rony ;))

Jayne

I’m so tired of what goes on eight days a week for our 11.5 million pensioners. Money, that’s what I want for them. A day in the life of an OAP is just the long and winding road to misery. All I’ve got to do is get back to fixing a hole in our economy. Don’t let me down; I need you all together now. We can work it out! If I needed someone any time at all, it’s now.

Think for yourself about the things we said today, at this conference – every little thing. I will make a difference, with your help. I’ve got a feeling that it won’t be long before we’ll bring about a revolution for our ageing population, whilst keeping the taxman happy.
You won’t see me tolerating the continuing story of Bungalow Bill, poor devil, who said, “I feel fine”, then almost died of starvation.

Bravo Jayne - you'd get my vote, though your overall effect was not so much Beatles as Boomtown - give uz yer feckin' MONEY!!!!

Nice one!

Thanks, Jayne. I'm not sure what counts as a Beatles song for Lucy. Written by them or sung by them and written by others? I tried to keep mine to those written by them.

Thanks for the vote, Ann. It was a fun one to do; I wasted an entire evening on it :)

When it comes to Beatles songs, Jerome, 'written by them' and 'sung by them' means pretty damn near the same thing! But I checked to make sure that all the ones I used did fit both categories. There were some titles I hadn't known; I was more of a singles than an album buyer. When the Fab Four went all magical, mysterious and mystical I stopped buying their records altogether.

Jayne

More than ever, we need to represent our constituents – the average Joes, who, after a hard day's night, don't need the taxman fleecing them to help the special interests crying "give me money (that's what I want)!"

We need to highlight my opponent's inexperience. How can he, a virtual little child in the political arena, match my understanding of the elderly, when I'm sixty-four?

Regarding rumors linking me to a certain public employee the press calls "lovely Rita, meter maid” -- I assure you I never had sex with that woman– as testified to by my wife, who stands beside me now--for which, dear Prudence, I say "thank you girl!”

And to my supporters who’ve accompanied me on the long and winding road to victory--we must come together to defeat the liberals fomenting revolution, and get back to the values and beliefs of yesterday.

What about songs they wrote but didn't record?

What about songs by individual ex-Beatles, e.g. John's Imagine?

Hi Marion,

I have no idea how 'picky' Lucy is, but with such a plethora of titles from which to choose, it would seem a bit daft (to me) to go for the slightly 'iffy' options you mention. The "If in doubt, don't" adage springs to mind.

Lucy is bound to rule out entries that don't comply with her precise instructions; for instance, Imagine is definitely not a Beatles song.

Jayne

Jayne's take on this makes sense to me. Songs recorded by individual ex-Beatles after the band broke up certainly don't count as "Beatles songs." Neither, I'd imagine, do Beatles covers of songs by other writers, nor songs written by the Beatles but recorded and released exclusively by others. Your best bet is to stick with songs that were both written by and recorded by the Fab Four themselves.

Beatles-authored songs originally released by other artists -- Badfinger, Peter & Gordon, et al. -- are probably eligible on a technicality if there's a Beatles version on one of the Anthology albums. But it ain't necessarily so just because I say "probably." On the other hand, if you write a speech that includes a couple dozen indisputable titles and one or two borderline cases, I doubt that the latter will disqualify your entire entry.

It Won't Be Long. We will be free. For No One Knows our Misery. Don't Let Me Down. Don't Pass Me By. Don't ever change. Don't Ask Me Why. I know you feel The Inner Light. The dawn succeeds A Hard Day's Night. Here Comes the Sun so let it shine. The Rain is over. I Feel Fine. I Need You all to make the weather. Cast off those Chains and Come Together. Run For Your Life and take an axe, man. Tell Me Why we need a Taxman. You Can't Do That was Yesterday. Tomorrow – That'll Be The Day, and We Can Work It Out, Get Back Every Little Thing we lack. Then let us dream Like Dreamers Do, Free As A Bird, From Me to You. Because Tomorrow Never Knows, I Will announce the death of prose. Help! We'll make true poetry. The Revolution – Let It Be!

Thirty-two titles. And they SANG Don't Ever Change though they didn't write it. So thirty-two and a half.

John, bravo!

Actually, thirty-two. "Chains" was written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King--(just for the record;))

Oh bother.

John,

To do this all in rhyme is amazing!

Jayne

Yesterday no doubt you saw the headline: "Give me money – that's what I want!" alleging I have had my hand in the till. There was, you can be sure, no truth to this, any more than to the rumors of my alleged liaisons with this boy, that girl… And then, here comes the Sun-Tribune with its lurid headline “She came in through the bathroom window.” At this point, I seriously considered leaving the race, since I don't want to spoil the Party's chances of success. Nevertheless, I have decided to stay on the ticket, to ride out the storm of my opponent’s smear campaign, for I am certain that, in the end, with a little help from my friends and supporters, we can get back to the long and winding road to victory and send a clear message to my opponent that his dirty politics will get him nowhere, man.