Speccie misleading advice May 16th
 

Brian Allgar wins, Jayne Osborn gets an hon mensh and we learn that Bill James Joyce Greenwell wrote a piece ENTIRELY of Beatles' songs. Good on these three.

This is, as Lucy says, an old chestnut and those with long memories can lower the bucket into comps gone by. Gerard Hoffnung treated this definitively in my opinion.

No. 2748 : misleading advice
Here’s an old favourite: timely, too, in the run-up to the Olympics. You are invited to submit snippets of misleading advice for tourists (150 words maximum). Please email entries, where possible, to [email]lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 16 May.

Misleading Advice

The first drink in a pub is on the house; toast the landlord by raising your glass with the traditional, 'Up yours!'

On exiting from a taxi it is polite to bargain with the driver about the fare.

Face-piercings on the young signify that they are sexually available.

Bus lanes are also for the use of foreign nationals and no parking fines apply to you. Tear up the tickets.

At a party say to your host, 'I am having a very gay time. I hope you are gay also.'

If your English friends are conservative, cry loudly and enthusiastically, 'Tories, come!'

If your English friends are socialist, remember to praise their great leader, Tony Blair.

You may be lucky enough to see fat men in town squares waving handkerchieves and hitting each other with sticks. This is called Boris Dancing in honour of the popular London Mayor.

Gerard Hoffnung treated this definitively in my opinion.

For instance, the hotel where "every room has a French widow" - or is that another bit of Hoffnung?

Damn, I've just read your piece and I wish I hadn't - usually, I don't read other people's stuff before knocking off some of my own. Now how am I going to come up with some ideas that you haven't already covered?

Very funny, John.

It's more like hoaxing or mischievously misleading visitors, getting them to commit, in all trust & innocence, acultural faux pas. There would be an element of schadenfreude about it.

There are lots of very well-known ones from comps gone by, like "Test the famous echo in the Reading Room of the British Library", but I think the trick is going to be to deliver some new, original ones, rather than dredge up the old 'uns.

Aren't your Conservative and Socialist ones the wrong way round, John?

Jayne

Do you think it would be a mistake to offer advice to tourists in other countries and cities? Stuff like, only funnier: "When visiting Paris, be sure to pee off the Eiffel Tower for luck". Or should we stick to London?

Jayne, isn't that also Hoffnung?

And while "Tony Blair" might not upset all Socialists, I'm sure that "Tory scum" would get up Conservative noses.

Oh, 'Tories come!' is 'Tory scum' - I didn't get it. Duh! :o

Roger, it doesn't mention London specifically, so why not? Ah, but... actually, as Lucy did mention 'the run-up to the Olympics', perhaps not, on second thought.

Jayne

Hoffnung can be found on the net. The French widow is from a slightly different comp, as it were.

A genius, that man. I had an old ten inch LP with him on it. But, as I said, it's all on the net, including the bricklayer's tale. Americans if you have never heard this, give yourselves a treat. A genius, as I said. What a pity he died at 35.

She's not very specific (other than the Olympics reference), so I figure anything is worth a try.
What about really dark ones?

Central Park by moonlight is a peaceful haven from the hustle bustle of big city nightlife.

Feel free to feed the lions.

Climb Everest. Mountaineering gear optional. Beginners welcome.

It's an old Roman custom to pee in the Trevi fountain.

The standard tip in a restaurant is 3%, but you can go as high as 5% for exceptional service.

Although British cars drive on the left, the rule does not apply to pedestrians.

It is considered good luck to pinch the Buckingham Palace Guards on their butts, but bad luck to tickle their noses with a feather.

No trip to England is complete unless you stand beneath Big Ben, ask people if they know what time it is, then laugh uproariously as they glance at their watches.

When speaking with an Englishman, it is considered rude not to say "pip pip" every few minutes for no apparent reason.

You will impress your British hosts immensely if you complain to the waiter that your beer isn't warm enough.

If you make it up north to Scotland, be sure to insist that they serve your haggis raw.

When visiting Westminster Abbey, ask your tour guide, "Is he related to Downton Abbey, or do they just happen to have the same last name?"

Medical care is free in Britain, so be sure to stock up on painkillers before you leave.

The red boxes that used to house telephones are now used as public toilets.

Pub grub is an English delicacy: do not be fobbed off with an ordinary meal when you have ordered this larval speciality.

Welcome, Adrian. Only too true of a certain salad in Bridport one wet Easter a couple of years ago.

A HUGE welcome, Adrian.

Congratulations on winning The Speccie comp this week!

(And here we are, with both our names on the same page - again ;))

Jayne

Now email has taken much of its business, Royal Mail encourages use of pillar-boxes and wall-boxes as supplementary litter-bins.

If parking on double yellow lines it is polite to tip traffic-wardens with the traditional phrase, 'Nelson touch, squire'.

Young people wearing hoods should be greeted with a piece of customary Cockney banter 'Going bald, then?'

Although London pigeons technically belong to Prince Charles he is happy for tourists to catch them and have them cooked in nearby restaurants.