New Statesman -- proverbs -- June 14 deadline
 

Tesco vouchers this week for Alban Girral (Brian Allgar), and wins for me and Bill Greenwell.

No 4231
Set by Will Bellenger
We want proverbs, please, which are pointless. For example: “Ice cream is a dish best served cold.” (NB: pointless NOT meaningless.)
Max ten goes by 14 June comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Do you think we can send lots of these in a single email? It seems like something we should each easily be able to write at least a dozen of, no?

You can write as many as you'd like, but you can only send 10. It says above.

I guess I should have read the whole thing. It's not that long. Thanks.

Note who set this competition. That's him out of the way at least.

It's a gay dog that never kissed his wife.
Better to live at ease than die in strife.
Better to die in strife than live at ease.
Better to shoot the bear than shoot the breeze.
A Scotsman on the make will rob you blind.
There's more to wisdom than a fool can find.
There's less to life than pissing up a rope.
The devil's bargain is a dancing pope.
A dancing pope is worth two Yorkshire vicars.
Better to dry your tears than wet your knickers.

I wouldn't be too sure, John. I've seen NS competitions where the setter was among the winners - I don't think there are any rules against it. Of course, if the setter were also the judge, it would be a different story ...

Too true, Brian. I was trying to appeal to the master's better nature. Here's another one. Not mine alas, but the master's.

It is seldom difficult to distinguish between a ray of sunshine and a Scotsman with a grievance.

Not quite a proverb, perhaps, more an apothegm.

I wrote a poem full of these things. Is a published poem against the rules? Actually it wouldn't do in its entirety. Bits would though.

[quote=John Whitworth;248294]Note who set this competition. That's him out of the way at least.

Can't think what you mean ...

Do you mean you can win the competitions you set? Hardly cricket. Actually I can't think why you shouldn't but I thought I might fill you full of guilt.

Fine turds butter no pisspots.

I'm not quite sure what makes a proverb pointless and not meaningless other than a sort of clunking obviousness (Plenty more fish at the fishmonger, for instance). Most common proverbs (forget the baroque Eastern incomprehensibles for now) are statements of the obvious in any case, gaining what clout they have by being finger waggingly trotted out after the fact: no-one ever says 'Look before you leap!' until you've leapt. Perhaps I have stymied myself by over analysing the competition?

Yes, I get the impression that the comedy of "clunking obviousness" is exactly what this comp is looking for. The sample proverb -- “Ice cream is a dish best served cold” -- invites an eye-rolling duh! Something like "Revenge is a dish best served on a paper plate" would fall into the meaningless-rather-than-pointless category. It would invite more of a bewildered "wtf?"

You can have fun, although probably not for this comp, mixing and matching the two halves of various proverbs: "All that glitters gathers no moss." "A penny saved rots from the head down." "A stitch in time lifts all boats."

I'm not sure what it is to "set" a competition, since as far as I know it's not an American usage. But I have suggested Washington Post contests and then been among the winners, and it doesn't strike me as unseemly since I have nothing to do with the judging (and the prizes are trivial).

For this contest, I'm not sure how important it is that the proverb be utterly pointless, since if you took that to an extreme, it would ultimately be humorless as well, or every entry would be pretty much the same joke: A bird in the hand will shit on your palm sort of thing. (Yes, I suppose I'll send that one in).

My ten:

1. A bird in the hand may poo in your palm.
2. A watched pot will eventually boil.
3. He who laughs last was the slowest to get the joke.
4. Time flies. You'll find they're very fast.
5. When in Rome, be sure to try some Italian food.
6. Home is where you live.
7. It is better to have loved and won.
8. Those who ignore history will never know if they repeat it.
9. There's no point sitting on the toilet if you won't pull down your pants.
10. People who live in glass houses shouldn't.

Or try the reverse strategy?

1. One couple on Bondi is worth two in the bush.
2. Plagues, I can resist, but never boils.
3. The hysteric laughs longest.
4. Close your flies - it's about time!
5. In August - do as the Romans do - go to Tuscany.
6. Andrew Lansley is where the heart was.
7. Love is better not lost.
8. Those who repeat history are condemned to forget it.
9. It must be the Jubilee. Pissing, in't it?
10. Bowlers shouldn't throw stones.

And what a shame one can't use Frank Muir's
"Absinthe makes the fart grow Honda."
or Denis Norden's
"People in grass houses shouldn't store thrones."

Roger, your 'time flies' proverb should win: made me laugh aloud.

Here are some of mine so far:
The grass is always greener where the cat urinates.
In the kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man won't qualify for disability benefits.
Too many cooks, period.

Do you think they want existing proverbs modified (as in the "ice-cream" example) or completely invented ones (as in the "Scotsman") example? Or both?

If wishes were arses then buggers would have a very good time.
There are no flies on a pair of tights.
One swallow doesn't make you pissed.
A cat may look at a mouse.
Fine turds butter no parsnips

Bob's time flies is great, though it does recall the old:
Time flies like an arrow, but fruitflies like a banana.

Here are a few of mine:
1. A house divided is called semidetached.
2. A journey of a thousand miles is best undertaken by airplane.
3. A little knowledge can be dangerous; a lot of ignorance is even worse.
4. A picture is worthless to a blind man.
5. A rising tide will flood lowlying areas.
6. All work and no play probably means the theater is bankrupt.
7. If you can't stand the heat, you might consider air-conditioning.
8. An ill wind blows after eating spoiled food.
9. There's a sucker born every time a lamprey hatches.
10. You catch more flies with flypaper than with insect repellant.

Martin, yours are very good and fit the contest better.

My "time flies" does recall the other (Groucho Marx's?) but doesn't actually use the same punning meanings, so in that sense is completely different.

Bob,
you are right--the pun on time is different; the pun on flies is the same.
But I like all of your 10 a lot.

This is a fun one! Martin's #2 is my favourite so far, but here goes:
1. Where there's life there's phlegm
2. You can't make an omelette without a frying pan
3. Don't judge an e-book by its cover
4. Those who sleep with dogs get a criminal record
5. Too many cooks cook too many
6. The course of true love is downhill
7. The best-laid plans of mice are seldom impressive
8. Say 'ouch' while the iron is hot
9. It's no use locking the stable door if you don't have a stable
10. Don't wash your dirty linen in the sewer

I'm sure some of those must be old jokes, but I couldn't find them on google. Apologies to anyone I inadvertently ripped off.

[quote=Bill Greenwell;248556]He means, Bill, that he doesn't know about your secret pseudonyms.

How true that is!