Electing the new pope
 

What criteria do you think the College of Cardinals should apply? Here's my suggestion:

Although we liked your piece on St Caecilia,
You’ve never joined the Mafia of Roma.
What’s more, you lack the requisite diploma -
A PhD in Higher Paedophilia.

On Seeing the Wrong Sort of Smoke Issuing from the Curia

Pope?
Nope.

A woman maybe? Someone black?
No, neither choice will do.
I'd really love to live in Rome,
So why not pick a Jew?

The first Pope was a married Jew
So really, Roger, why not you?

heh heh! g'donya Gail!

Roger's Dream Poem

A puff of white is seen at last,
and headlines scream, incarnadine:
the white silk robes and gold ring passed
to Samuel Cardinal Silverstine.

Papal Duties

Descending on a shaft of light—
taking interest in the young,
issuing the sacrament
to the pink expectant tongue.

When the Cardinals Consider Their Votes

At first it was my idle dream,
but then a wild, wicked hope
that each will glance about and scheme...
and cast his vote for Putney Swope.

Same old same old

A sight to make the buttocks clench --
the Sistine Chapel full
of cant, hypocricy and stench
of years more Papal bull.

Suffer the little children to come

I always kneel to read the psalter
So please elect me, I beseech;
Just think of all that I can teach
Those little boys behind the altar.

Considering

Dare they elect a Pope Willy
though technically papabile?
But “William” could be capable
Of being grandly papabile.

.
(hopefully the Italian enunciation swings naturally into place....)

Good news

You tell me your son is a serial rapist?
Well, that’s a relief, I thought you said “Papist”.

One Foot Beyond
 

One Foot Beyond

Perhaps a younger pontiff, one
Who's not for God too soon,
Might stand a chance of getting done
Some work before he's hewn;

Else why not have the Eastern Pope
As Boss-Man in the West? -
The Schism solved may signal hope
That clergymen know best.

I guess the Roman Catholic Church
Will act as it sees fit
(You'd think another Borgian lurch
Should bring some spunk with it).

.

for Roger

It could be cool to have a Jewish pontiff.
Come Passover I’d wish him a Gutte Yontiff !

THE SHADE OF EMILY DICKINSON WEIGHS IN ON THIS DEBATE

The Pope - could be - a Jew?
I know that isn't true -
I am the spirit who dis-
covered he's a - Buddhist.

The Pope a Buddhist or a Jew?
Dear Em, you’re quite mistaken.
These stirring times, I’m telling you,
Have left him rather shaken.

He’s seen the writing on the wall
And since religion is sham,
It doesn’t bother him at all
Converting now to Islam.

I do not want to be the Pope,
and so I say here's hoping
they do not pick me cause I think
I would not much like poping.

Velvet gowns would make me itch.
I like my clothing tighter.
I fear my sweaty head would soil
the Pope's majestic mitre.

I beg you then, pick someone else.
There must be lots of folk
who wouldn't mind to be the one
anointed by the smoke,

and if you pick some other guy
I won't regret or rue it.
What's that? You mean I've got the job?
Okay! That's great! I'll do it.

for Roger

Sorry to interrupt this metrical outpouring, but I've always treasured the 'take' on the election of a Pope which we owe to one of the Medici popes, Leo X in 1513 - "Since God has given us the Papacy - let us enjoy it!". The remark dates from the same year in which Machiavelli - betrayed, tortured and exiled by the triumphantly returned Medicis - published Il Principe. The current hierarchy have nothing to teach their genially corrupt predecessors.

1513 - 2013 Hmmmm ... 500 years, on the button. Maybe this should be the next Comp. for one of the mags?

Excellent thought, Douglas - and we need not wait upon the setters, need we? As it is also a 500th anniversary of huge literary and political significance here (the Scottish and the Italian end of my life).... just maybe I might have something cooking. We'll see.

Time to brush up on our Machiavelli, I'd guess.

papa! papa!
 

Papa! Papa!

The pope is a trope:
pontiff and il papa
pontificating hope.

The faithful’s dope
when there’s just one;
with two, it’s one pope

over the line…
Sweet Jesus!

The Church awaits the last burnt slip
From where the red-caps vote, most hoping
They choose a cardinal whose grip
Is firm enough to stop the groping.

brill! absolutely!

Religion’s really had its day
As Popes find dubious fame.
It’s time to brush cobwebs away,
And take a fitting name.

I’m only in it for the pelf,
And God may do his worst.
I therefore choose to call myself
“Pope Impius the First”

So that’s it, then - the Pope’s a Jesuit.
You’ll say, among those shits, what’s one more shit?
But don’t they realize, those stupid geezers,
He would have excommunicated Jesus?

At the Pope’s retirement party,
all the Saints and I sipped hearty,
dropped the name of God,
found Copernicus odd,.
and kicked out Galileo, the smarty!

A Jesuit Pope, goodness gracious!
And the name he chose isn’t “Ignatius”!
. . .But most likely the saint
. . .He has glommed onto ain’t
“Of Assisi” but “X” -- less audacious.

Who’d believe a Pope would resign?
But it brings up a thing with the wine.
Can he take some with him
to drink on a whim
with the nuns he has over to dine?

I'm actually pulling for the next Pope to be a woman.
If you can't join them, beat them.

No need to become Pope to do that, Gail. Large numbers of the kinkier cardinals already smuggle women in to beat them.