Monosyllabic rewrites
 

Hi,
(am I allowed to start a thread here?)

I've found it fun to try rewriting a familiar verse in monosyllabic words only (proper names exempted.) Anyone else fancy it?

Here's my retread of Keats' On First Looking into Chapman's Homer:

I’ve gone much to and fro in realms of gold;
A fair few fine states and kings’ lands I’ve seen;
Round a great list of the west isles I’ve been
Which bards by oaths sworn to Apollo hold.
Oft of one wide space there had I been told
That Homer of deep brow ruled as his scene:
Yet had I not yet breathed its pure air clean
Till I heard Chapman speak out loud and bold:
Then felt I like some man who scans the skies
When first a new orb swims into his ken;
Or like stout Cortez, when with great hawk’s eyes
He stared at the Pacific—and all his men
Looked each at each, while guess on guess did rise—
Struck dumb, on a raised point in Darien.

(In L2, not wanting to repeat 'realms', I tried spheres and turfs before settling for lands. There may be something better yet.)

You're allowed to start a thread here, Graham, but I think you must be a masochist for doing this! And you're probably a sadist too, for getting us to try it - heck, it's more of a punishment than an amusement! ;)

I've just tried it and found it incredibly difficult so I didn't get very far. I might persevere and/or try a different poem.
I bet our Brian and our Roger can rise to this, though.

Jayne

Very interesting, but I don't think you necessarily have improved on the original.
Here's an improvement on the original:

On first looking into Chapman’s Homer
(with apologies to John Keats)


I’d never read Chapman before
and felt like that sky-watcher (Moore);
or those blokes on a peak
who weren’t able to speak,
being gobsmacked by all that they saw.

(Prompted by a debate on the need for brevity in poetry.)

A bard more great that I gave me a hand. He wrote his last two lines with ten words each:

Shall I say thou art like a warm, bright day?
Thou art more fair than that, more praise dost rate.
Rough winds do shake sweet buds that bloom in May,
And warm months’ lease hath all too short a date.
The sun, the sky’s hot eye, too harsh can glow,
While clouds his face of gold at times can veil,
And all that’s fair must be in time less so.
In this world, change must come; what thrives must fail.
But thou shalt long and long stay fair, not fade,
Nor lose that glow of youth and love thou ow’st.
Nor shall death brag he cloaks thee in his shade,
When all the world thy fame in these lines know’st.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

I don't feel like trying it, at least at the moment, but it's a fun idea. It might be fun to give up on the rewrite angle and just try to write poems entirely in monosyllables (no exemption for proper names).

Good one, Graham.

Is that yours, David? I like it.

PS-- Just saw yours, Chris. Wunderbar!

Cheers all for your responses.

I doubt I've improved on Keats' original! This poem was familiar to me and seemed to lend itself quite readily to the idea, or may even have suggested it to me, being full of short words already.
In this case I was pleasantly surprised to find I could also manage to have 'my' version still scan and rhyme like the original.

I meant to open up the idea for any other poems, and not necessarily keeping the original metre, rhymes or form in the monosyllabic version. Roger's suggestion to not exempt proper nouns is a challenge...
Some though are a gift:

I don't love thee, Doc Fell
Yet just why I can't tell
But I know it full well -
I don't love thee, Doc Fell.
:)

The joy of Chris's is that it took so little - it's almost a homage to the original.

Chris, I am in awe. The splendour!

190

He was weak and I was strong - then -
So he let me lead him in -
I was weak and he was strong then -
So I let him lead me - Home.

'Twas not far - the door was near -
'Twas not dark - for he went - too -
'Twas not loud, for he said nought -
That was all I cared to know.

Day knocked - and we must part -
No one - was most strong - now -
He strove - and I strove - too -
We did not do it - tho'.

A lot of Emily Dickinson is like this. My changes are quite minor. Interesting if you can spot them before you see it. To compare great things with lesser, a lot of my own poems are fairly monosyllabic.

This is a good exercise. I was listening with half an ear this morning to a fellow from the States talking about "optionalady". It took me a while to understand that he meant "choice".

I am a serial offender with my tendency to reach for the big'uns - a line of iambic pentameter consisting of two words has been a source of pride to me. I shall try to re-write one or two of my own poems in monosyllables.

It will do me good.

It's interesting to note just how many of Shakespeare's sonnets finish with monosyllabic lines. Here are a few others:

Vikram Seth has two very good poems written entirely in monosyllables in his book All You Who Sleep Tonight: "Walk" (4 quatrains of iambic tetrameter) and "Soon" (7 quatrains of iambic trimeter). "Soon" is particularly powerful, a poem in the voice of someone dying of AIDS, which begins:

He obviously has a thing for monosyllables, as he has a section in his novel, An Equal Music, in monosyllables: it describes a visit to Torcello (page 286) and begins:

Thank you, Graham. But Gregory's list demonstrates why my Shakespeare rewrite might not actually be all that awe inspiring. I tied myself in knots of frustration with some other poets, but Shakespeare lends himself nicely to this exercise. The sonnets get a bit tricky when you have to redo the rhymes, but some of his best blank verse practically rewrites itself:

To be or not to be, that’s what I ask.
Should I think it’s more right to feel the pain
As mad fate strikes me with its slings and darts,
Or take up arms and fight back at these woes?

I still think you were clever to keep a poetic flow and not seem clunky!

I noticed your version above can be recast to rhyme excessively throughout (for fun - I'm not calling this poetic!) :

To be or not to be, the quip I pose.
Should I think it's more right to feel those throes
From blows mad fate throws me with slings and bows,
Or take arms if I chose to fight those woes?

(I had 'quiz' then thought 'quip' more apt, in several senses I find given by Merriam-Webster - but chiefly 'A quibble; equivocation'.)

Well, I can't say it was much fun - definitely more a drill than an amusement.

And I can't imagine that it's much fun for others to read. Still, I'd had a few drinks when I did it, and ivresse oblige.

Of Man’s first “No I won’t!”, and of the Fruit
Of that “Keep off me” tree, the taste of which
Brought Death to plague the World, and all our woe,
With loss of Eden, till one Man more great
Should mend us, and take back the Seat of bliss,
Sing, Muse of God, that on the well-hid top
Of Oreb, or of Sinai, didst spur on
That Sheep-herd, who first taught the Seed of choice,
At the start of things, how the Sky and Earth
Rose out of naught. Or if Sion Hill
Shoud please thee more, and Siloa’s Brook that flow’d
Fast by the Mouth that speaks for God, I thence
Call forth from thee thy aid for my bold Song,
That with no low or base flight means to soar
O’er the Aonian Mount, while it doth seek
Things no one yet has tried in Prose or Rhyme.

Of Mans First Disobedience, and the Fruit
Of that Forbidden Tree, whose mortal tast
Brought Death into the World, and all our woe,
With loss of Eden, till one greater Man
Restore us, and regain the blissful Seat,
Sing Heav'nly Muse, that on the secret top
Of Oreb, or of Sinai, didst inspire
That Shepherd, who first taught the chosen Seed,
In the Beginning how the Heav'ns and Earth
Rose out of Chaos: Or if Sion Hill
Delight thee more, and Siloa's Brook that flow'd
Fast by the Oracle of God; I thence
Invoke thy aid to my adventrous Song,
That with no middle flight intends to soar
Above th' Aonian Mount, while it pursues
Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime.

Writing in monosyllables is harder in some languages than others. According to Wikepedia, "the phonetic rules of Thai language permits 23,638 possible syllables, compared to, for example, Hawaiian language's 162." I have not yet found how many monosyllabic words there are in English but I suspect that the answer lies somewhere in between.

I wonder how hard it would be to write poems or prose that avoid all monosyllabic words. I suppose the lack of articles and pronouns would slow things down considerably.

To be or not to be? That's what I ask.
Is it more cool in one's head to roll with
The guns and bombs of fate's bad shit
Or to fight back and try to strike them down?
To die? To sleep? That's it. But if we sleep
Does that mean that we end the pain and stop
The hurt of life? If so, that's what we all
Should wish for all our days. To die! To sleep!
But might we then have dreams? Yup, there's the catch!
For in the nap of death, the dreams we have
Once we have let the crap of life go free
Could turn out to be worse crap than we knew.
And that's why life that's long is such a shame.

Je regrette... et au contraire! I enjoyed your version, at least!

Good rhythm - while managing to remain still concise in monosyllables (I especially admire your terse clear replacements for 'disobedience' and 'forbidden').

I've (perhaps rashly) attempted to render Jabberwocky in monosyllables. I made no exceptions but did allow myself hyphenations such as 'snake-like' and 'blood-soaked'.
If brevity is the soul of wit I have failed, as it has ended up more than five times as long as the original; too long to post here!

The first two words " 'Twas brillig" had to expand to " 'Twas time to start to broil for tea" - there being no single-syllable synonym for 'brillig' that I know. Conveying even the word 'sundial' I found a considerable challenge; it is only now that I realise I could have avoided mention of it altogether and just have stuck with 'wabe' for the lawn surrounding it. But I've gone pretty much with Humpty Dumpty's unpacking of Carroll's other portmanteau words. For 'the Jabberwock' itself I have coined 'the Wock that Jabs its Burr', which seems to me in keeping with its anatomy and character.

So far, 'toves' alone I have not rephrased. For how to render lizard or badger in one syllable? (I may now try).
Checking, I have just found the word 'tove' to exist (possibly) outside Carroll, as a Scottish intransitive verb meaning 'to smoke or to emit a smoky smell' (tove, toved, toving, toves). I can fancy a plausible visual/etymological link: from a curl of smoke spiralling upwards to the corkscrewing snouts, tails and movements of the toves - as described by Carroll and illustrated by Tenniel.

Graham, I didn't mean to be as dismissive as perhaps I sounded.

But fundamentally, it's an exercise that, while it stretches the brain to find ways of transforming the polysyllabic into the monosyllabic, can only diminish the original; and - for me, the killer - without creating anything worthwhile in its own right (as for instance a parody might do).

Still, I'm glad you liked the two replacements that you mention. I must admit, I thought them quite snappy myself.

No problem, Brian! - certainly no offence taken. I took your comment as being delivered with a wry grimace rather than a snarl! No-one need try unless they want to :)
I realise the likely output may tend to be more a novelty item than a thing of transcendent beauty; on the other hand, some of the versions produced by contributors here do seem notable expressions. To me all poetry is play, and words are like Lego or Meccano; the challenge (drill/amusement!) of putting into monosyllables akin to that of a crossword puzzle.

Chacun à son goût!

Nice work on Hamlet's soliloquy, Roger. Your second line is more cool in one's head than mine. But isn't your third line a foot short?

Yeah, I may need to put "and slings" into it. In moving to monosyllables, I figured I shouldn't just automatically take the monosyllables that Shakespeare used in the original but modernize the language just a bit so long as I was messing with it. (But it doesn't really matter, since it will never appear anywhere outside this thread).

What you could do, Roger, is to suggest it to Lucy as a subject for a competition and then enter it. It works for some folks.

I have suggested it to Lucy myself. We shall see what comes of the suggestion ;)

Roger, that's an intriguing idea. I suppose one might go for a terse (but paradoxically also longwinded!) telegraphic style, simply omitting those commonplace short words.
If your idea too draws interest, may we best begin a separate thread - 'Polysyllabic' (and, as has been suggested, not restrict it to re-writes but invite also fresh material) ?

Meanwhile, you've got me thinking:

Future alternatives: being, non-being? Myself, pondering:
Nobler, perhaps, mindfully suffering
Slingsful - quiversful! - comprising outrageous misfortunes?
Otherwise, maybe arming oneself against selfsame oceanic troubles -
Opposing militantly, thereby ending aforesaid hardships? Dying: sleeping;
Ceasing! Sleeping, supposedly ending
Heartache - also (conceivably) ending thousand shocking natural hazards
Mortal bodies inherit? Consummation
Devoutly desirable! ...