Speccie Show Time by 5th June
 

Pompous and prolix? Can that be us? Yes it can I am sure. I think examples can be found at leastv two hundred years ago. Are you as old as THAT, Bill?

No. 2801: SHOW TIME

You are invited to rewrite in pompous and prolix style any well-known simple poem (please specify; 16 lines max.). Email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 5 June.

This has a distinctly Gavin Ewart-y feel to it. Looks like it could be fun.

I keep trying to read these things and it's all very British and goes over my little Canadian head (apparently I have many Britishisms to learn yet). Pompous I think I get, but prolix? Bloody google again.


Jeanne

I think perhaps 'prolix' could be translated as the writer's equivalent of 'blabbermouthed'.

Oh goodie, now that's my language (this latter part anyway), and my species! How can the clay say to the potter, why hast thou made me thus?


Jeanne

I do not like thee - why, I cannot say.
Is it thy breath, that reeks of rancid onions?
Is it thy feet, deformed by warts and bunions?
Thy nasal hair, exuberant and grey?

Thy scabby pate, thy brow grotesquely simian?
Thy lurching gait, thy swinish bloodshot eyes?
Thy buttocks, like a pair of flaccid pies?
Thou couldst not be mistaken for Endymion!

Thy raucous voice, thy sneering and thy snarling,
Thy violent tantrums, and thy vicious temper
Surpassing dogs with rabies or distemper -
In short, I’d find it hard to call thee “Darling”.

Perhaps, above all else, that fæcal smell
Is why I do not like thee, Doctor Fell.

Heh heh heh -- this one is right up my street.

Fire and Ice

Although the future termination
Of planetary inhabitation
May come about through conflagration,
There's no definitive negation
Of the contrary situation:
Galloping global glaciation.
Metaphor extrapolation
Provides no further information.

Was:
Metaphorical simulation
Does not provide illumination.

The Was an Old Man From Nantucket
 

An elderly person of masculine gender
(A native-born son of the Isle of Nantucket),
Possessed a male organ so long, he could render
Its tip to his lips, and then zestfully suck it.

With laminar flow, the emerging ejaculate
Would drool from his mouth, and then pleasantly run
All the way to his jawbone; which then would initiate
A smile on his visage and feelings of fun.

Concurrent to wiping this dribbled ejaculate
From hair of his chin, he’d declare (with loquacity),
The sexual lust he could orally satiate
Would bolster the case for the likely veracity

Of boasting; "If somehow my ear was transformed
To a typical feminine vaginal cavity,
The coital act could be freely performed
With utmost decorum, and ponderous gravity."

Prolixity comes natural. Pomposity takes a little work.

The petals of flowering plants of the genus Rosa reflect light of the following spectral co-ordinates; wavelength 620-740 nm, frequency 480-400 THz,

The petals of flowering plants of the family Violaceae reflect light of the following spectral co-ordinates; wavelength 380-450 nm, frequency 800-715 THz,

Sucrose activates the G-protein gustducin which catalyzes the conversion of ATP to cAMP, leading to neurotransmitter release,

And so do you (metaphorically).

Brilliant Rob, but I would like to pompously take issue with your scientific description: petals don't possess spectral coordinates, they reflect light of a given wavelength and frequency. I feel that your N would get this right. :D

My Love Is Like A Red Red Rose
 

The object of my amorous intention is somewhat akin to a carmined floribunda
That despite inclement weather has blossomed before the summer solstice:
This, the focus of my amatory passion, is a symphony of sound at which to wonder
For her complex lyric lines have blended into one melodic poultice.

As undoubtedly toothsome as you very clearly are, my delightful little piece of crackling,
So stands the not inconsiderable footing of my heart’s emplacement:
And the puissance of my passionate persuasions will remain staunch and erect, despite all tackling,
Till climate change ensures all the oceans’ evaporative displacement.

Until such alarmist predictions discover some real confirmatory support, my pussie,
And diverse strata are solar super-heated to an aqueous state:
And even in those circumstances you will retain my most devoted affection, my floosie,
For as long as significantly improved life expectancy will rate.

And now I must pronounce, “Farewell, a long farewell!”, to you the sole object of my idolatry
Repeating it, lest you could never quite recapture this last parting’s rapture!
And you may rest certain that I will engage to return to you again, my dearest chickadee
Though it were to prove a journey of eight point eight million times my stature.

The Gavin Ewart someone was thinking of:

Two Semantic Limericks - Gavin Ewart
1. According to The Shorter Oxford English Dictionary (1933)

There existed an adult male person who had lived a relatively short time, belonging or pertaining to St. John’s*, who desired to commit sodomy with the large web-footed swimming-birds of the genus Cygnus or subfamily Cygninae of the family Anatidae, characterized by a long and gracefully curved neck and a majestic motion when swimming.

So he moved into the presence of the person employed to carry burdens, who declared: “Hold or possess as something at your disposal my female child! The large web-footed swimming birds of the genus Cygnus or subfamily Cygninae of the family Anatidae, characterized by a long and gracefully curved neck and a majestic motion when swimming, are set apart, specially retained for the Head, Fellows and Tutors of the College.”

2. According to Dr Johnson’s Dictionary (Edition of 1765)

There exifted a person, not a woman or a boy, being in the firft part of life, not old, of St John’s* who wifhed to – the large water-fowl, that have along and very straight neck, and are very white, excepting when they are young (their legs and feet being black, as are their bills, which are like that of a goofe, but fomething rounder, and a little hooked at the lower ends, the two fides below their eyes being black and fhining like ebony).

In consequence of this he moved step by step to the one that had charge of the gate, who pronounced: “Poffefs and enjoy my female offspring! The large water-fowl, that have a long and very straight neck, and are very white, excepting when they are young (their legs and feet being black, as are their bills, which are like that of a goofe, but fometimes rounder, and a little hooked at the lower ends, the two fides below their eyes being black and fhining like ebony) are kept in ftore, laid up for a future time, for the fake of the gentlemen with Spanish titles.”

Blue Suede Shoes

My first is the cash valuation,
My second the central attraction,
My last is the mobilization,
Now my pussy is ready for action.

But my shoes of blue suede,
Double sewn, custom made,
Must be free of your pedal infraction.

You may batter my face with a shovel,
You may publish me guilty as Cain,
You may level my house to a hovel,
Steal my carriage and drink my champagne,

But my shoes of blue suede,
Double sewn, custom made,
You may never insult or profane.

Very neat footwork, John!

Thank you Nigel. Unfortunately I doubt if Lucy calls it a poem.

Mary, your pedantry delights me. I shall make amendments forthwith.

Three members of the genus Mus lacking the faculty of visual perception,
Three members of the genus Mus lacking the faculty of visual perception,
Witness the manner in which they rapidly perambulate,
Witness the manner in which they rapidly perambulate,
They all rapidly perambulated in pursuit of the spouse of a person owning an area of land given over to the production of food
Who retaliated by amputating the flexible appendages attached to their torsos with a tool designed for the slicing of cooked meats.
Did you ever witness a comparable spectacle in the entirety of your existence
As three members of the genus Mus lacking the faculty of visual perception?

That wins, Rob. I think it wins.

Your poems above are very good. Now, about mine...
 

I've written six rhymes in a row;
Not a boast, quite; I fear that I show,
By absorption in poetastic frolics,
I'm chronic'lly pompous and prolix.

In short- am I wordy and vain?
Verbose and inflated amain?
Not humble and diffident duly,
But wildly expressive; unruly?

Does diligence in such a task
Mean I'm schmuckish, a tad? Do I ask,
In hope I'll be told that I'm not,
But rather, a wonderful swot?

Herein ends my well-versed angst-romp
On the subject of long-winded pomp
Which I beg that you'll show all the praise that you owe
To a man you now know from whom such writings flow.

(Cheerio!
Now to comp...)

This Be Not Standard Metrical Prosody

Mothers, fathers, or anyone serving in loco parentis,
Have a tendency to leave their children non compos mentis.
Piaget has demonstrated that this phenomenon happens because
Parental behavior tends to reinforce the formation of character flaws.

The parental units, however, during their own pre-adolescence,
Were themselves rendered non compos mentis by their parents' premature senescence
Which revealed itself in a series of violent mood-swings that all too often
Ranged from affection to wishing one's spouse were immediately in his or her own coffin.

Human misery may be productively likened to a track-and-field baton.
The runner stops, his contribution complete, but the misery races on.
The data have been collected and collated, and the results are not abstruse:
Leave home as soon as possible, and do not reproduce.

Oh Eastern-Blowing Wind

Oh eastern-blowing exhalation of the air movement personified by Zephyrus,
Would you kindly give an estimate of when you will arrive and cause precipitation?
In the name of the Saviour embraced by those who believe in Christian principles,
The thought of being home in bed with my lover fills me with anticipation.

That's a good one Roger (the Larkin, I mean - a new one popped up while I was posting.)

The last line could perhaps be more prolix.

Thanks, Brian. I was wondering about making the last line more prolix, but I thought maybe by the last line, with all that prolixity already in the bank, it would possibly be funnier to end with something crisper. I'll think on it.


(Ogden Nash -- candy is dandy)

Chocolate often works, but all in all,
Seduction is more successful with alcohol.

Or -

Although a box of luscious chocs may give the putative seducer a most effective tried-and-tested leverage,
The chances are that you will far more expeditiously induce her by offering an alcoholic beverage.

Oh - excellent, Brian. Pompous, prolix and pointed.

Like the Larkin, Roger. Now this IS a poem.

The Grand Old Duke of York

Great York, whose strength was still the strength of ten,
Directed, with all military splendour,
Of infantry and horse, ten thousand men;
To serve him faithfully was their agenda.

Up on a mountain high, this mighty band
Stood marshalled, section by impressive section,
Till, at his strident bellow of command
They thundered in the opposite direction,

And gathered in the valley, blest and balmy,
Manly, mustachioed, magnificent,
Royal Eboracum's majestic army,
As bold as brass, whichever way they went;

In mounting or descending, night and day,
Exquisite in their transit, so to say.

Or elongated,the better to represent the original's last two lines:

The Grand Old Duke of York

Great York, whose strength was still the strength of ten,
Directed, with all military splendour,
Of infantry and horse, ten thousand men;
To serve him faithfully was their agenda.

Up on a mountain high, this mighty band
Stood marshalled, section by impressive section,
Till, at his strident bellow of command
They thundered in the opposite direction,

And gathered in the valley, blest and balmy,
Manly, mustachioed, magnificent,
Royal Eboracum's majestic army,
As bold as brass, whichever way they went,

Inscrutably, ineffably serene,
In mounting or descending, night and day,
Yin-yang, Yang-yin, and somewhere in between,
Exquisite in their transit, so to say.

Sterling stuff, John, although I miss 'when they were only half-way up, they were neither up nor down'. Perhaps you could get it in if you replaced the final couplet by a quatrain?

Oddly enough, I'd been thinking of 'doing' the Duke, but other things intervened.

I thought 'exquisite in their transit' id the trick, but perhaps it doesn't. As you say, I've two more lines to spare.

There are relatively few reported incidences of persons of the masculine gender electing to initiate licentious conversation
With persons of the feminine gender whose eyesight is deemed sufficiently inadequate to require lenticular rectification.

Satisfyingly pompous and prolix, Rob, but can you work in a few internal rhymes?

I wouldn't touch that Larkin, Bob, it's perfect as is.

Frank

I could, Brian, but I'm not sure I'm inclined to. The clunkier the better, I reckon. Lucy might reckon quite differently, of course...

Do the rhymes, Rob, and then offer her both versions. I feel there must be something more than clunkiness. But I could be wrong and the divine Lucy is inscrutable.

Brian, I have taken your advice. Do you think it improved?

John,
Isn't it Yin-Yang, rather then Ying-Yang? Or, am I missing something here in British usage?

No you are not. It's pure ignorance. Sorry.

Pin-pong? Wif-Waff?

Yes.xxxxxxxxxxx

I'm finding this comp curiously addictive.

That most aesthetically pleasing of plants with large, woody stems, Prunus avium, currently
Has its branches bedecked with a considerable number of reproductive structures...

by A.E. Domicilemasculineperson

Surely those initials are a bit too abbreviated?

Any suggestions?