New Statesman -- overheard at a party -- July 11 deadline
 

No 4283
By Leonora Casement
We want examples of a remark overheard at a party that makes you wish you hadn’t come.
Max ten attempts by 11 July comp@newstatesman.co.uk

I think "Ann Drysdale was a UKIP candidate" is near the top of my list. (Eh, John?)

Better than ' Ann Drysdale was a down-market prostitute'. Or would they be two ways of saying the same thing?

You weren't, were you. A UKIP candidate, I mean. I would have voted for you.

No, I jolly well wasn't. :eek: Well, not a UKIP candidate anyway. ;) That's why it was such a disturbing thing to have overheard...:confused:

This is too easy - any variation on,

"Let me introduce you to Tony/Margaret/ano" - fill in as best fits. Before John says it, I'd include "You must meet Nigel" - Farage, of course.

I've heard there will be Scottish dancing later on. Everybody joins in.

We all have to put our car keys in a pot for some reason.

Guess what? We're going to play charades.

There's a full selection of wines, sprout, beetroot, rhubarb and parsnip.

‘Does anyone know what time the transsexual strippers are on?’

‘Boa constrictors get a bad press, of course, but I’ve never seen any reason not to let ours just roam around the house. And kids just love him...’

‘Gosh, Count, that is an unusual looking cake. Black icing, too many candles to count and what’s that red stuff in the middle? Some kind of jam, presumably...?’

‘You can say what you like about Hitler, but at least he exterminated millions of people...’

‘We’re just waiting for Barry to make us up to thirteen and the invocation of His Satanic Majesty can begin.’

‘I must say, I’m a bit disappointed with the size of these girls’ tits.’
‘Me too, vicar.’

‘Another bottle of Malibu! No, no-one’s brought anything else, but that’s okay...’

‘And who have you come as? No, let me guess... Peter Sutcliffe?’

‘Finish your lollipop, darling, it’s nearly time for the wet t-shirt contest.’

‘Yes, it’s a car-swapping party. Everyone’s wives go into a bowl, right...’

"I hope that everyone likes vegan cuisine and non-alcoholic beer."

"Their Great Dane peed all over the carpet this morning, but it seems to be pretty well dried out now."

"I saw my doctor yesterday, and he told me that I have to have the other one removed immediately."

"There hasn't been a single drive-by shooting on this street for nearly a week."

"At eight o'clock the Amway presentation will begin."

"It's really great to finally be out of prison!"

"Fluffy has just turned seventeen. Aside from some bowel control issues, she's still as healthy as a kitten."

Now this is a comp we really have had many times before. But I suppose there are always new social horrors to chronicle.

'You haven't seen my last two holidays. Not to worry, I have them on my iphone!'

'What do I do? I'm in Compliance.'

'Frankly, I thought what Ian Brady was saying made an awful lot of sense.'

'Being in IT, I just turned Grandfather's life support off and then on again, but something must have gone wrong because . . .'

"The hidden camera in the bathroom worked perfectly. The clips should be up on YouTube any minute."

"No, that wasn't goose pâté. It was minced cricket."

"I don't want anyone being able to testify I was here, get it? Do whatever it takes."

"My Spider-sense is tingling..."

Oh... 'Remark overheaRd at a party.' (Sorry!)

"Personally, I'm not worried about the host's condition since I'm already taking antibiotics."

"Grab a drink. The entertainment is about to begin. He's remarkably good for someone who only took up the bagpipes three months ago."

"Yes, Obama would love to have me dead. But there's no way his drones will ever find me here."

"I swear it wasn't me. I'm pretty sure it's coming from the hors oeuvres."

"No, I never use the safety. It could slow me down if I need to shoot someone."

"Gosh, I'm so glad I whispered to you about my affair with Tony. That's his wife with her back to you."

"One of the guests has backed into the new XK8 on the drive; I'm not sure whose it is but let's just keep schtum about it."

"We've run out of toilet paper because everyone's had diarrhoea this week, but people probably won't need to use the loo..."

"I didn't notice the freezer had defrosted last week but the food should still be OK."

"Darling, why did we have to come? Everyone who's here is utterly loathsome!"

"Actually, I'll admit we only had the party so that we can claim on the insurance for a new carpet. I'll be nudging someone who's holding a glass of red wine. Haha."

"Now that everyone's here we can start the karaoke."

"Ann Widdecombe will be here in a minute."

"The children are SO looking forward to singing to us."

"The Police have arrived. It's going to take several hours to question us all."

I can't quite make an entry out of this, but many years go my sister's best friend had a party a few doors down. It really went with a swing and in the morning it turned out that someone had stolen the carpet in the living room. I mean the carpet that was on the floor, wall to bloody wall. Of course this was in Scotland, so that may explain it.

John,

Either "The Godfather" or the "The Godfather, Part 2" began with a carpet theft. Maybe Mario Puzo heard of that party?

I loathe parties, probably because my neighbour is always having them. And nothing is said at his parties - everything is shouted.

I know the kind of party, Adrian - they shoot their mouths, and I'm tempted to shoot them.

“He's always been such a fan! Like his parents. The name, Anakin, of course, yes. He lives it, really. She said now he’s eighteen he’s thinking of having something done cosmetically.”