Translation Bakeoff Finalist: Bellay
 

Return of the Diplomat

Joaquim Du Bellay

To soft-soap a creditor for an extension,
To chat up a banker and radiate cheer,
Not to speak freely, the way we do here,
To weigh up for ages each subject you mention:

Not to risk sickness through bingeing and drinking,
Not to spend money without machination,
Not to give strangers too much information,
And not to let everyone know what you’re thinking:

To understand attitude, know who wants what,
To appreciate just how much freedom you’ve got
While ensuring that nobody takes it away:

To live among others, while taking their measure:
And that, dear Morel (though it gives me no pleasure),
Is all that Rome taught me in my three-year stay.



From Les Regrets

Flatter un créditeur, pour son terme allonger,
Courtiser un banquier, donner bonne espérance,
Ne suivre en son parler la liberté de France,
Et pour répondre un mot, un quart d'heure y songer :

Ne gâter sa santé par trop boire et manger,
Ne faire sans propos une folle dépense,
Ne dire à tous venants tout cela que l'on pense,
Et d'un maigre discours gouverner l'étranger :

Connaître les humeurs, connaître qui demande,
Et d'autant que l'on a la liberté plus grande,
D'autant plus se garder que l'on ne soit repris :

Vivre avecques chacun, de chacun faire compte :
Voilà, mon cher Morel (dont je rougis de honte),
Tout le bien qu'en trois ans à Rome j'ai appris.


From the sonnet sequence The Regrets

To flatter a creditor to extend his term,
To court a banker, to give good hope,
Not to follow in his speech the freedom of France,
And to answer a word, a quarter of an hour to think about it:

Not to spoil his health through too much to eat and drink,
Not to make without cause a spending spree,
Not to say to all comers all that we think,
And by lean discourse control the stranger

To know mood, to know who is asking
And especially as one has greater freedom,
to be especially careful that one is not taken:

To live with everyone, to take account of everyone:
Voilà! my dear Morel (of which I blush with shame)
All the good that I learned in three years in Rome.

Judge's comments
 

French Operative Nine, salut.

Refreshing to see such a clever, vaudeville offering. I like the “ch” repetitions in line 2. Combined with the slang usages of “soft-soap” and “chat-up,” the tone is even funnier. “Machination” is precarious; I would suggest something else. Maybe, “without reservation”? That end rhyme is one of the easiest in the English language – another reason this succeeds as light verse, the easy rhymes – so there are lots of options. The comic tone sputters with “To appreciate…” I would suggest something like, “And mostly, to know how much freedom you’ve got.” It comes closer to Bellay’s text, but maintains the translator’s tone. The close here does not quite equal that penetrating dryness of the original, with its incomparable "Voila," and Bellay's elimination of the verb, to drive that last line home. This tone is substantially more slapstick, thus, mine a moot point; however, I might suggest, as the literal meaning of "voila" is "see there," not "and that:"

There you are, dear Morel, (though it gives me no pleasure):
All that Rome taught me in my three year stay.

Rarely can a translator successfully go so over the top, – but I think this does so with style.

007

This has reset the bar, to my mind. Excellent rendition, high level of integrity to the metre and rhyme scheme. I think I can guess the translator, given its distinctive insouciance. Bravo.

Wonderful. Tone pitch perfect, the truest kind of fidelity.

I'm not the best judge of translations, and therefore haven't commented on the other offerings as yet, but this one is purely fantastic. My only nit would be the slant rhyme of what/got, but it's a very minor nit. This is the kind of translation that makes me want to look more into the translated poet...which is perhaps one of the best things one can say about a translator.

Bravissimo.

This is a poem I've tackled, and I like this take better than my own. Very nice.

Interesting observation, Shaun, on the "slant", which in my part of the world is true. Makes me wonder if my guess at the identity of the translator is off the mark.

Enjoyable.

I agree with Peter; in England, 'what/got' is not a slant rhyme, but a proper one.

Best so far. Kudos to the translator.

I think that this is excellent overall, though it gets off to a slightly rough start in the first line, which I could not scan properly until the second line clearly established the meter. Forcing a stress on a "for" is a weakness. It might pass well enough after the meter has become clear, but not right at the start. "Machination" also struck the wrong note for me. But I enjoyed the wit and the bouncy meter, and I think that it captures the essence of du Bellay's poem.

Susan

Excellent, but I would drop the "me" in the final line, which screws up the rolicking meter.

Well done! What 007 calls "slapstick" is in fact a shrewd metric commentary on the REAL nature of this sonnet. Du Bellay is fascinating and this translator has pierced though our awe at all things French to the smirking comedy that lies at the heart.

To showcase why this translation is excellent, take one line:

Original

Et pour répondre un mot, un quart d'heure y songer :

Crib

And to answer a word, a quarter of an hour to think about it

Translation

To weigh up for ages each subject you mention

The translator has provided an excellent crib from which to work. Now consider how another writer may have thought to include “a quarter hour to think” (just like the French) from this crib to the translation in verse.

For example, To answer someone, a quarter hour to think.

This line won’t do but look at what our translator did:

To weigh up for ages each subject you mention

It beautifully paraphrases the French while remaining true to it. One of the dangers of translating French is that it fairly closely follows English syntax enough to want to make things easier and match the items up. But our translator chose the more difficult path of coming up with an English that does not parallel the French by making the best use of English. Sounds easy. But it’s hard.

The choice of meter is inspired and deftly executed.

Can’t praise enough. Bravo or Brava!

Tim, I agree that the last line has a metrical glitch, but I think that it comes not from "me", but from the misplaced stress on "my".

It could perhaps have been avoided by taking a slight liberty with the original:

xxAnd that, dear Morel, during three years of pleasure,
xxIs all that Rome taught me, I'm sorry to say.

Not to speak freely, the way we do here is a bit too off the mark for Ne suivre en son parler la liberté de France, and, likewise To weigh up for ages each subject you mention, for Et pour répondre un mot, un quart d'heure y songer

S2L2: machination is too strong a word for what the author intended.

S2L4: And not to let everyone know what you’re thinking is not specific enough, because what he meant was "speak sparsely".

S4L2: (though it gives me no pleasure) for (dont je rougis de honte) "of which I blush with shame" is obviously a liberty that should have been avoided.

Other than these, which can be easily revised, I like everything else about this translation; even the occasional metrical lapses don't bother me. Congratulations!

The rhythm is excellent and the tone is just right.