Speccie Lines on the Beeb by 21 May
 

I feel a song coming on

No. 2849: lines on the Beeb

You are invited to submit a poem in praise or dispraise of the BBC. Please email entries (wherever possible) of up to 16 lines to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 21 May.

T

No. 2849: lines on the Beeb
 

...Like this one by Sparks?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaXYwdS_V2Q

(A rather splendid video. Warning: may distress any prone to seasickness.)

Thank you, Graham. I have got no farthe than this sort of thing. I shall persevere.


The Singing Beeb

Though the Frenchman has his letter.
And the Turkish have delight,
The BBC is better
And we watch it every night.

Though the Yankees have their doodles
And the Dutchman has his dyke
The BBC has oodles
Of what we British like.

Though the Persians have perversions
And the Greeks are rather odd,
The BBC's assertions
Are the very word of God.

And so on. I'm unsure of the tune.

Reply to Singing Beeb, tune for
 

Hi,
That would be the tune to "Lulu had a baby."

Spike Jones! Perfect. I'm at work on the chorus. Thanks Alan.

Paedophile scandals execs try to shake off,
Vacuous programmes like Strictly and Bake-Off,
Twitterers dumbing down Radio Three –
Why can’t we close down the whole BBC?

Cokeheads from Hoxton, their salaries hefty,
Greenlighting comics as long as they’re Lefty.
Chaps in Compliance reacting with glee –
Why don’t we wind up the damn BBC?

Camp antique dealers and chefs sporting dickies,
Stripped across daytime to entertain thickies.
In primetime, car chases from CCTV –
We ought to just put down the poor BBC.

News that’s now ninety per cent speculation,
Severance schemes that are pure peculation,
Digital channels no-one wants to see –
There, that's my pitch to become the DG.

That should be among the winners, Adrian!

Beeb, overstaffed and overspent,
At which the licence-payers cavil,
How sad to witness your descent
From Reithian heights to Jimmy Savile.

I've got it. It goes to 'Lulu had a baby' by Spike Jones and his City Slickers. Sing it, brothers and sisters!

Superbeeb

Though Frenchmen have their letters and Turks have their delight,
The BBC is better, and we watch it every night.
BBC, those magic letters three!
BBC spells FUN for you and me!

Though Yankees have their doodles and a Dutchman has his dyke
The BBC has oodles of what we British like.
BBC we chortle in our glee!
BBC, you're just our cup of tea!

Though Persians have perversions and Greeks are pretty odd,
The BBC's assertions are the very word of God.
BBC so ambisexually!
BBC for all the family!

Though fine Swiss cheese will always please, and likewise Spanish sherry,
Bless Auntie Beeb on bended knee because she's necessary.
BBC, you're very nearly free!
BBC, worth twice the licence fee!

Though I am from the USA
(and mighty proud to be!)
I will not hesitate to say
I love the BBC.

I am a realist. I know
my life is small and shabby.
But once a week it isn't so!
I'm Lord of Downton Abbey!

Or maybe I'm the butler there,
a footman, a solicitor?
It doesn't matter. I don't care,
so long as I'm a visitor.

I'm ushered in. I say, "Oh my!
I'd love a spot of tea!"
How nicely I'm received! That's why
I love the BBC.

That's a good one, Roger, but I think "Downton Abbey" airs in the UK on ITV, not the BBC. Someone who knows better please set me straight if I've got that wrong.

*******

It occurs to me that maybe I missed the joke; maybe you intentionally have your American speaker getting a detail of British culture wrong. Or maybe I was just pretending to miss the joke for comic effect. Or . . . .

It's on BBC America, and the only "research" I did was to notice a press release for the show on the BBC website. I incorrectly assumed that ITV was part of the BBC. Oops.

Here's a revision trying to save the entry:

Though I am from the USA
(and mighty proud to be!)
I will not hesitate to say
I love the BBC.

I am a realist. I know
my life is small and shabby.
But once a week it isn't so!
I'm Lord of Downton Abbey!

Or maybe I'm the butler there,
a footman, a solicitor?
It doesn't matter. I don't care,
so long as I'm a visitor.

I'm ushered in. I say, "How kind!
I'd love a spot of tea!"
What's that you're saying? Never mind . . .
I meant the ITV.

or for last stanza:


I'm ushered in. I say, "Why, cheers!
I'd love a spot of tea!"
Then Carson looks at me and sneers,
"The show's on ITV."

The show's on ITV is a more idiomatic final line. Historically, when I was young there was only BBC. Then there was ITV (Independent Television) with advertisements. That was the way it was for a long time. Now everybdy has seventy channels. I think six are BBC, the rest are other things. Of course the BBC includes the Radio also which is probably more important, particularly the sainted Radio 4, the only solid reason in my book for retaining the BBC at all. I just thought you'd like to know that.

We all pay £150 each for a Licence. This money goes direct to the BBC. These days it is easy to evade this, and the young mostly do, or so I gather. We oldies pay, kicking and screaming. Governments deny this is a tax, but it obviously is.

There is another reason for liking the BBC. He is an old guy called David Attenborough and he makes the best naure programmes ever in the whole wide world.

John, I agree with you about Radio 4. For me, it is now the saving grace of the BBC. Attenborough aside, BBC television no longer produces anything but pap.

The BBC has recently started buying foreign thrillers, most famously from Denmark, but also from France,Belgium (I joke not!) Norway and Sweden. All very watchable and so much better than the Beeb stuff which is either costume drama (popular but not my cupof tea) or preachy lefty pap about as thrilling as cold toast.

However, the Beeb's days are numbered in its present form, since the money from the licence can only go down. In m opinion most of its supporters are talking about something they remember rather than what we now have. But I would miss Radio 4. Radio 3, the classical music channel, they have ruined with chirpy, chatty rubbish in between the music, as if it were Housewives' Choice.My, how that reference dates me. I shall be talking of Workers' Playtime and Wilfred Pickles next.

That final stanza truly sticks the landing.

Thanks, Chris. You didn't just point out my mistake, but a direction for fixing it. I'm not optimistic about winning, but the poem is now funnier than it would have been had the show indeed been on the BBC.

John, I think you are so right when you say that the defenders of the BBC are talking about something they remember, not what exists today. I made a mental list of the best programmes I've ever seen on TV - from The Clangers to The Singing Detective - only to find they are all from 30 years ago or more. There might be a poem in this train of thought. . .

There might, Adrian. There might.

lines on the BBC... (1)
 

The Inner Circle pull together,
Golden handshakes given -
New harsher climate hope to weather,
Unexposed… unshriven.
Savile was this iceberg’s tip.
Each feels the bitter chill
Now public outrage takes a grip;
Gropes weren’t so cheap a thrill.
Some heads may roll… while others stroll
Nonchalant in their park
Of fond delusions. There’s a toll:
Kids not safe after dark.
The Beeb has boobed and effed it up -
Trusted, a traitor proved;
On trial in our living rooms,
Convicted, stands reproved.

(I submitted 2 other entries, similarly negative. I may be persuaded to post them. Are all such comp entries meant to be humorous? I find it hard to be so about the aspects of the BBC that irk me. It had a glorious heyday, such as anything involving Oliver Postgate.)

Graham, I don't think competition entries have to be funny, but I think a light tone seems to be preferred.

The Beeb is so truly awful that there is no hope for it. So one is left with burlesque and farce.