The Universe of Ernieverse
 

Just had a Premium Bonds win ( a measly £25 before you all get too excited) and the accompanying slip invites me to share my Ernie moment with the following:

You've won a prize, a delight for the eyes
A feeling of bliss you don't want to miss
Your heart beats much faster, your senses aware
It's moments like these we all want to share . . .

Can anyone come up with a reply to this NSI copywriter?

Thanks for the check, and your versified letter;
But a larger amount would make me feel better.

Nice! They call it a warrant, so would adjust the first line to Thanks for your warrant and versified letter. :D

Yes, the twenty-five that used to be fifty in the days before they raised the maximum holding limit... (sigh).

I have an arrangement whereby anything I win is automatically used to buy more of the things, so my reply would probably be a sanitised equivalent of "up yours".

But, fair play, it's a pleasing human touch, though I must admit Douglas's response will take some beating.

I was aiming for a ruder ending, as you can probably imagine from the first two lines, but ended up with this one:

What kind of a prize could delight a man’s eyes
and engender a feeling of bliss?
As yet nothing I’ve found for twenty five pounds.
So please send me more money than this.

What would it matter to you
if my wallet were fatter?, and who
cut the prize in two?, to flatter
the boss and shatter the few?–
the latter, you shrew.

As shady draftsmen, promising Versailles,
Give an eye-soar, you pitch a wondrous lie.
That penny's-worth is pity-full; no jackpot
Nor letter proved its author such a crackpot.
As generous gifts return the more we love it,
Who gives but s--t, you, take it back and shove it!

.

“A feeling of bliss” - are you taking the piss?
Expect me to dance a cotillion?
Your twenty-five quid would be scorned by a kid,
And what have you done with my million?

Because the prize
That you downsize,
Feelings of bliss
Come not from this:
Pissed feelings flair.
O please do share
And make aware
Your editor
Should edit more.
What makes my day
Is if you pay--
That words can't say.

Good one, Brian. Where indeed is that million? I look forward to the day when I pay in a PB warrant for a sum sufficiently large to wipe the pitying smile off the bank clerk's face.

As the years roll past this once sanguine life-journeyer
It's clear that your bonds are no nice little Ernier.

Twenty-five quid will not buy me much bingery.
But the verse that came with it adds insult to injury.

The prize is teeny-weeny.
Delight? You're quite mistaken,
For unlike Bond's Martini,
I'm neither stirred nor shaken.

You call your wretched prize a warrant, but
It hardly warrants uncontrolled delight,
Like peeing – hoping for a torrent, but
Instead, it's just a tinkle in the night.

Your “prize”: it is a warrant made to test
One's heart-rate, shy of cardiac arrest.

Moments like this we want to share;
A plane shall spell it in the air.
Go burn it on the Moon that you
Won what? Too late it's your tattoo;
News of your pennies yield extends
Postmarked to Earths remotest ends.

Thanks for the letter-quasi-heart-rate test:
I know I'm healthy for I did detest.
Thanks for the raw material for jest.

Some ingenious ripostes! Incidentally, for Erik and Charlie, Ernie (who I see has got himself into the COD) is the personification of the device for picking the winning bond numbers - Electronic Random Number Indicator Equipment.

Not knowing what Premium Bonds and Ernies are, I can only admire the brilliant replies of those who do. (Now if it were prize money being cut in half, I think I could come up with something scathing.)

Harold Macmillan introduced them in 1956, Gail, and they cost £1 each. You can hold a maximum of £50K and cash them in at any time at the original value.

Each bond is entered in a monthly prize draw (numbers randomly generated by Ernie). You trade the interest on a normal investment for the chance of winning one of the two prizes of £1 million, 2 of £100K, 9 of £50K, 19 of £25K, 47 of £10K, 94 of £5K, 1246 of £1K and so on down to 2,092 of £25.

Someone with the maximum holding and average luck might win 23 prizes a year worth £575 at current rates if they were all of the lowest value, giving a return of 1.15 %. Not much, but more than inflation at the moment and there's always the chance of one of The Big Ones.

Anyway, 1 in 3 people here have some, including the illustrious Ann D., so . . .

What they represent is Hope, Gail. The recent changes, which diminished the chances of winning and halved the minimum prize, struck a blow at that.

Basically, we lend the money to the Government at zero interest. But so long as they don't spend it on stuff that further erodes Hope, I suppose that's OK.

I have £100 of Premium Bonds. I have held them for ever and won £50 twice. But, as you say, there's always the big one. Which is now quite a lot of money though I forget how much.

Two of one million, John. :D