Night Call
 

Revision II

Night Call

In the night, in the fog,
at the city creek's bridge rail
I begin to sing.

Every long sound from my throat
shifts the trees as birds flee.
I feel them wondering why is there such a song here.

I sing on through the night.
Across the way, people come out of homes.
Some cry and hold out their arms,
some bring sleepy children to hear the song.

Others, of course, are upset
that their night has been changed from a hush
to hearing the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.


***


Revision

Night Call

In the night, in the fog,
at the city creek's bridge rail
I begin to sing.

Every long sound from my throat
shifts the trees as birds flee.
I feel them wondering why is there such a song here.

I sing on through the night.
Across the way, people come out of homes.
Some cry and hold out their arms,
some bring sleepy children to hear the song.

Others, of course, are angry
that their night has been changed
by the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.

***

Others, of course, are angry
that their night changed to having to hear
the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.


***


Night Call

In the night, in the fog,
at the city creek's bridge rail
I begin to sing.

Every long sound from my throat
shifts the trees as birds flee.
I feel them wondering why is there such a song here.

I sing on through the night.
Across the way, people come out of homes.
Some cry and hold out their arms,
some bring sleepy children to hear the song.

Others are angry, of course,
that their night changed from the tedium
to hearing the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.

.
I like this. I like its wall to wall symbolism and its blanket of darkness. I like the surreal imagery of a man who sings like a loon. I like the symbolism associated with loons. There is a tranquility to it; a wildness to it. But there is also an undercurrent of unresolved change going on, the people of all ages coming out of their houses, waking up from sleep, etc.. But I also sense the poem stretches through the night and ends unresolved just before dawn, which I like. Maybe I'm just in the mood for quiet, loons singing, and ambiguity : )

.

I like this very much. My only suggestion would be to drop "the" from before "tedium."

Actually, I'm not sure I like "tedium" either. You're sort of forcing it to serve as an opposite of song, which I don't think is on point, but mostly I object because it doesn't make sense that the people are angry to lose their tedium. Certainly the angry people would not claim to prefer tedium. That is the speaker's judgment, not theirs.

John, I won’t attempt to praise this because Jim has done it better than I could. I agree with Roger about dropping “the” before “tedium,” and I personally would prefer “has changed.” I’d also change the word order in L6 to “why there is.” “Why is there” is a direct question that should be set off with appropriate punctuation, including a question mark. Any further criticism is beyond my competence. It’s a poem I’ll remember.

Hi John.

I also like this one a lot. It's really good.

I have a few small thoughts:

S2L1 I wonder if he only makes long sounds, or if he makes sounds of a variety of lengths and only the long ones affect the birds. Not sure if that's an issue or not, but it niggled a little as I tried to picture it.

S2L3, I wonder how it would be if you cut "I feel them" and changed the full stop at the end of the previous line into a comma? Maybe the poem would benefit from one less "I", but maybe not. Just floating the idea, rather than arguing for it.

S4L1, just wondered about changing the word order to, "Others, of course, are angry", which would allow the line to break on a stronger word. Not a big deal, though.

S4L1. Like others, I wasn't that hot on "tedium". I did wonder if you could simply cut "from tedium" and these others could just be angry "that their night had changed / to hearing the wingless man ..." and we could be left to imagine why they were angry, what they preferred their night to be.

best,

Matt

Thanks to all for the comments and suggestions. I’ve held off responding hoping I’d think of a replacement for tedium or decide to only delete it. I’m still thinking but needed to say thanks for the help. I’m pleased it has generally been liked.

I've posted a revision that uses many of the suggestions. I hope my solution for "tedium" works. I like the sound of "having to hear" and the "singing" in the next line. It's a clean way to have alliteration and assonance. ??? I haven't rejected the other suggestions. I'm being a little slow these last few days.

Thanks

Others, of course, are angry
that their night changed to having to hear
the wingless man singing the song

The phrasing here is still a little stiff in comparison with the clarity of the rest of the poem, John. I think by tedium you may have meant their accustomed routine. How about something like this...?

Others, of course, are angry
that their nightly routine has been changed
by the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.

Or something like that.

Good poem.

Nemo

Thanks, Nemo. I made a change based on your suggestion.

John -

I think "changed" is too weak. People don't become angry because things have changed, but because their comfortable evening has been interrupted.

JB

Hi John,

I much prefer "changed to" over "changed by". The latter could entail a slight alteration. The former is far more dramatic, a transformation, the change more total.


Matt

It's clear not that one spot is here to drive me crazy. But I'm maintaining my cool.

Thanks, John and Matt. I need the right word--the only word--no French--and have to wait for it. I know I've changed it too often and I need to stop reacting and let it stew. Try to stop thinking about it. I don't mean I don't value the help. The help has made me realize what I need to do. Thanks.

I made another attempt to make that line work. I like the sound and the simplicity of this one.

Hi John,

I don't think that "a hush" quite works for me: I like the alliteration with "hearing", but "hush" seems maybe too positive to me, too tranquil, and is sometimes associated (e.g. "a hush came over the crowd") with a sense of wonder or awe even something spiritual. Still, maybe that's what you intend?

It also seems maybe a slightly odd construction, in effect: "the night was a hush". Could just be me though.

Maybe there's a double read intended, and I guess I could imagine the angry ones also "hushing" in the sense of "to make someone/others be quiet": the angry ones were engaged in hushing their world, plus their night was silent, hushed. If intended, that might be more apparent if "a hush" were "hushed", though likely that doesn't sound as good.

"upset" seems a fair bit weaker than "angry". I'd stick with angry.

I still quite like just "that their night has been changed / to ...".

In the construction, "their night has been changed", do you need "been"? Do you want it to emphasise agency? It hasn't just changed, but someone has changed it. But I wonder if it's needed. Maybe it makes the line a little wordier than it needs to be, or maybe I just like the more iambic feel that comes from dropping it. I dunno. I'm on the fence really.

I did also wonder about "their night has changed from nothing / to hearing ...". It has nice sounds, if nothing else. But likely not what you want to say.

best,

Matt

[double post]

Thanks, Matt

John -

Consider replacing "changed" with "turned", possibly "has been turned from peaceful quiet".

JB

I agree with John B. "Changed" is weak. The images you provide are very cool. I like the idea of the poem. But for me it's way to wordy, especially that last stanza.

Others, of course, are upset
that their night has been changed from a hush
to hearing the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.

Others are angry;
the hush of night disturbed
by the rise of this wingless song

Maybe something like that?

John, I like the latest revision very much. I think the alliteration of “night has been changed from a hush / to hearing” provides a lovely moment of held breath at the line break. I have no problem with the word “changed”. It is a big word. If we asked someone how something affected them and they said “I feel changed”, this would be a more powerful statement, I feel, than “I feel disturbed”.

I also think your control of line breaks and rhythm in this poem is very good. Often, I associate your non-met poems with the long, unpunctuated prose-poem style (which are great) but this feels like something different, and done very well.

Mark

Thanks, Annie and Mark, and John for coming back. That is a spot I need to let sit for a while. As I said, there is always that one place.

It would seem that you're not inviting further comments on this, John, but I will just say that I like it a lot. It has a mythic feel that reminds me of something else - something good, for sure - which I just can't place at the moment.

The only thing I don't much like is the internal rhyming in L5, but no one else has mentioned that. So probably nothing to worry about.

Cheers

David

A minor nit but I like it a touch better without the periods. It's lines are very poetic and well structured, and I think they can stand alone without too much punctuation.

IMO, the periods give it a this is literature feel, this is a sentence, this is the end of a paragraph etc. To me they distract, don't add, in this one.

Thanks, Nick. I'll certainly consider that.