a sudden sound at night
 

A SUDDEN SOUND AT NIGHT

Out walking late one sleepless night he hears
blocks distant, hidden by the city,
a car squeal, and then pop. No shattered glass.
One car. Into a tree? A building?

Some wretch, a little tipsy maybe,
distracted just a blip, has left the road
his life was on, whatever he had been
now stained as not worth trust. This moment
will nag the flop forever, the regret
before-and-aftering.
[............................]But then—it hits him—
what's worse, that landmine fate or this,
the never knowing when life went so wrong?




*
previous draft:
L2: blocks distant, hidden from him by the city,
L4: One car. Into a tree? A building’s side?
L5: Some wretch, a little tipsy probably,
L8: now stained as selfish, not worth trust. This moment
L11: which is worse, that landmine fate or this,
*
earlier titles: "Hidden, City Night," "Hidden from Him"

previous draft:
Out walking late one sleepless night he hears,
blocks distant, hidden from him by the city,
a car squeal and then pop. No shattered glass.
One car. Into a tree? A utility pole?
The dumpster in the alley behind some bar?

Some wretch, a little tipsy probably,
distracted just a blip, has left the road
his life was on, whatever he had been,
the crack young tech geek, dad to frizz-haired daughters
who worship him, sage mentor at the Y...
now stained as selfish, not worth trust—regret
before-and-aftering.
[............................]But then—it hits him—
which wound is worse, that landmine fate or this,
the never knowing when life went so wrong?

*
earlier changes:
L3: "Pop" was capitalized.
Ls 4-5: One car. Into a tree?He sees a boulder
though no rock within ears’ range can stop cars.
L 8: The comma after "on" was a period.
Ls 11-13: will now stand stained as selfish, unreliable,
regret before-and-aftering.
[..........................................]But then—
it hits him—which is worse, that fate or this,

previous Ls 9-11: star student, family man… will now be stained
as selfish, unreliable. This moment
will nag the flop forever, the regret

*
first posted draft:
Out walking late one sleepless night he heard,
blocks distant, hidden from him by the city,
a car squeal and then Pop. No shattered glass.
One car. Into a tree? He saw a boulder
though no rock within ears’ range could stop cars.

Some wretch, a little tipsy probably,
distracted for a second, left the road
his life was on. Whatever he had been,
star student, family man… would now be tinged
with unreliability. This moment
would nag the flop forever, the regret
before-and-aftering.
[.............................]But then again—
it hit him—better far that land-mine fate
than never knowing when life went so wrong.

Hey Max
I'm assuming this is a wake-up call, but I can't tell if it's for the driver or the narrator. It looks like "But then again..." shifts focus back to the narrator. Is "that land-mine fate" instant death, or the near miss that teaches?

I enjoy the flow of the meter!

Hi Max,
the start seems a little drab (linguistically) and too long. If the opening line was
Out walking late one sleepless night he hears
would the next five lines be needed?
That said, I enjoyedS2 particularly the close.

(I did wonder how N knew the wretch was a 'he'.)

Regards,
RG.

Hi, Max

This one is challenging me. I like to begin my first readings of poems by seeking the literal meaning: The first three lines have the N in a city, then in L4 we have a distant car accident with a tree and boulder, which suggest the countryside. Based solely on sound, the N concludes that the probably drunk driver has just had a car accident serious enough to change the course of his life. The N concludes that the driver can take consolation in knowing the reason his life was ruined. I have no idea what to make of “nag the flop,” but in context it seems to mean something like “haunt” or “bother.” The mention of “no shattered glass” puzzles me, too. Is the car crash merely a metaphor for some other catastrophe that derailed the “tipsy wretch’s” life?

Second pass I try asking questions and making connections that require inferences. Why is he walking late at night, presumably alone with no stated destination. Why can’t he sleep? Where is he? He seems to be in a city, but the accident, impossibly distant for him to hear, seems to take place in the country. Is it a memory? Was the N the “tipsy wretch” who caused the accident, or was he a victim of someone else’s DUI crash. He seems to have an emotional investment in the accident’s life-shattering consequences. Did the N hear a crash far away and remember a crash that ruined his life years before? Or did the memory of the moment that ruined his life pop into his mind, complete with sound effects?

I like “the regret/ before-and-aftering” and the ambiguity of “but then again—/it hit him—.“ The fracture in L12 visually suggests the moment when his life was derailed. These lead me to believe that he is reliving a traumatic experience. I suppose it doesn’t matter whether he was the driver or the victim. The point of the poem seems to be the irreversibility of the disastrous consequences.

Glenn

Marshall,

Thanks for sharing how you're reading the poem. That's helpful.

Richard,

I appreciate you sharing your opinion. I do think those lines are needed, but your suggestion of a tense change is particularly helpful. I'm not sure why that hadn't occurred to me.

Glenn,

Thank you. I can see how the poem prompts this reading. It's helpful that you share your thoughts in such detail.

Hi Max,
just to say I like the revision. I'd been struggling with 'Pop' but then 'blip' appeared, providing a strange sort of balance, and I ceased struggling. I do wonder if 'star student, family man' aren't a tad obvious?

Regards,
RG.

Hi Max,

I think the switch to present tense in the revision has worked well. It makes the poem feel more immediate, and I get more of a sense of the action unfolding as I read, the future as yet unknown. I also find the more equivocal close a lot more effective. I'm asked to wonder rather than being told the answer. And "just a blip" is fresher than "for a second".

I like how I didn't see the ending coming (appropriate, in this context!), and how when it does it draws the poem together, and leaves me to ponder. There are some nice touches too. I like the line-break on "left the road" and the double read it brings out. Also the regret "before-and-aftering", which is very much what regret does.

I don't know that I have any major suggestions or nits. So here are some smaller ones.

I'd write "Pop!" or "pop!". Even if you don't want the exclamation mark, italics are conventional, I think, to show that it's a sound. Kind of like reported speech, I guess. It did give me pause on first reading, though I didn't quite go as far as reading it as "Dad".

However, I don't really imagine the sound of a car hitting something that could conceivably be a boulder as a "pop". More of a crunch maybe, or a thud.

I can see how a person who'd lost concentration and crashed a car would be considered unreliable. But selfish doesn't make as much sense to me. Foolish, maybe. Irresponsible (though that's a lot of syllables -- feckless, maybe?). Or is the idea they are considered selfish because they were tipsy, and drinking when over the limit is selfish because of the damage you could do to others. Though the poem is inconclusive on the drinking. It's just a maybe.

A very small thing, and more of a question really. Does "ears' range" take a possessive apostrophe? It seemed odd to me. I googled, but couldn't find a definitive answer. Though I did see that people who use one are very much in the minority.

EDIT: Just coming back to add that the poem's title doesn't do that much for me.

best,

Matt

Thanks for coming back, Richard, and for nudging me about the star student etc. I've made the character more imaginative, which seems to me more interesting. Thanks for the suggestion.

Matt,

Thanks for your detailed thoughts and suggestions.

That reading hadn't occurred to me. I've lower-cased, to avoid the possible confusion. I mean the word to be a verb, but it might be stronger to follow your suggestion and make it a sound. I'll ponder.

I'll also ponder that apostrophe. Getting rid of it would have the virtue of simplifying.

And I'll ponder the title.

Many thanks.

Hi Max,
I like the 'frizz-haired daughters who ...' but isn't the protagonist speculating about the identity of the driver (who is still 'blocks distant') at this point? At least that's how I've been reading 'probably'. The new characteristics, like the old, all seem very positive; couldn't the driver also be ... an adulterer (or something else negative) or something neutral, someone after working a double shift? Good, bad, and ugly. The (excellent) ending doesn't require that one be virtuous, or does it?

I preferred the 'nag' of the original (it was about the character) 'selfish' seems to be about those who judge him.

Regards,
RG.

If N can see a boulder then how can he assume there not another boulder within the range of hearing? The poem raises the question of why N just didn't walk over and see for himself what happened. Instead, he just stays where he is, speculating about the possible identity of the victim. His inaction is the real subject of the poem. BTW, the safety glass used in cars doesn't really make that much noise.

Thanks, Richard. Your comments continue to push me to tinker and improve. I do think it makes sense for the hearer, in imagining the driver's loss, to think of positive things. He could imagine a derailed recovery. That might be more interesting. I'll ponder whether it is worth the space in so short a poem.

Thanks, Sam. That boulder has caused enough confusion. Out it goes.

I've tried a new title, but it feels flat to me. I'll keep thinking.

Hi Max,

It's just struck me that "whatever he had been" implies that the crash ends whatever he had been before. And, OK, the crash will change how he's seen and even how he sees himself. But unless the crash has killed him -- which the N doesn't seem to be believe -- won't he still also be whatever he was before: a father of two daughters, a tech geek, say -- albeit that will be stained by the crash?

I think "whatever he was before" works (albeit injects an anapaest). I think maybe you just forgot to adjust the tense when you switched to the present?

On the latest revisions:

The original criticism you received of "star pupil, family man" was that it was too generic, but what you've replaced it with now strikes me as perhaps too specific. And in addition, the list seems rather random. Why a crack tech geek, and not a rising star in the rock-climbing world, or an accountant, and so on?

Also, for me, the possibilities are now coming to dominate the stanza. The original four words have become two lines of detail that don't, in themselves, seem to illuminate much. To maintain the sonnet length, the end of the stanza has been compressed, and for me, has suffered for it. I particularly miss the line-break at "regret / before-and-aftering" has gone. The lingering pause it gives to "regret" worked really well, I think, seemed appropriate. And without the moment nagging him forever, the regret line arrives with no real set up and for me loses impact.

In the poem, the N is comparing the fate of the person driving the car to his own. He is also making assumptions about this event, the driver, etc, since he can't see it, and I'd taken that as projection, evidence of his self-preoccupation. So I'd taken "star pupil, family man" to be something of a hint at N's owns life. In the current revision that reading is harder to sustain.

In S1, I can see why you might want to change the boulder part. But the replacement is just another 3-item list. And unless I'm missing something, the list isn't doing much work in the context of the poem beyond illustrating the N doesn't know what the man hit -- which does parallel the N's life, of course. Again it seems the choice of items could be any three items. To me, this is less interesting than the N speculating about boulders, and revealing his knowledge of the local area (he knows there are no boulders nearby that are near enough to a road to be hit).

I wonder if there's a way to make the final line / final list item do some figurative work, to resonate with the theme of the poem somehow? For example, if it were to say, "What obstacle has brought him to a halt?", there'd be a literal and a figurative read.

Finally, the title. I actually quite like the thread title. It drew me in. I wanted to know more: what sound? what happens?

I read the original it as if it were "Hidden. City Night". I'm assuming the comma wasn't there to separate two modifiers of "night", because as adjectives they're not coordinate (but maybe that's the effect intended?). And "hidden" is appropriate enough. The car accident that occurs is hidden (from the N's sight). And the cause of the N's own downfall is hidden (from his knowledge, his mind). And "city night" gives the location, and something of an image, which the revised title loses.

I guess I have a prejudice against abstract titles that don't seem to do more than name or spell out an aspect of the poem's theme, which I think the new title is doing. Maybe all I can really usefully say is that neither title draws me in or pique my curiosity in the same way the thread title does. Though I do prefer the original title over the revised one, because "city night" adds something evocative, and something suggestion of something hidden in/on a city night adds a touch of mystery.

best,

Matt

From ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord deliver us.

I live within earshot of an awkward corner that used to send speeders airborne and into our neighborhood's electrical panel every few years. Screech, thump, lights out for several hundred households. The power company finally moved it, thank goodness. Now we just hear the screeches. When there used to be a bump, neighbors would call 9-1-1 and then hurry over to offer help, since we knew where the crash was.

I appreciate that the narrator is probably sketching a sort of self-portrait while imagining the wayward driver, because sometimes empathy works most strongly that way; but statistically speaking, that driver is most likely to be a teenager, or at least under the age of twenty-five. (They always were, in my neighborhood.) Perhaps "a promising student-athlete" or similar could be added to the list of possibilities, before the super-specific stuff kicks in. Injuries from a car accident might well end an athletic career, not just a reputation.

I'm not quite sure of the syntactical relationship between "regret before-and-aftering" to the comma-separated series before it, but since it doesn't seem to be part of that series, you might consider breaking it off from that somehow.

Matt, I'm grateful for your detailed reaction. Very helpful.

I do feel that its appropriate--and stronger than strict grammatical correctness--to suggest the hearer imagines the driver's old life to be over.

I've restored the enjambment before before-and-aftering. Thank you.

As to the rest: you've given me a lot to think about, and I will do that.

Thank you.

Thank you, Julie. I'm glad the power company moved that electrical panel. I hope that also means that the injuries are less frequently severe. I've more strongly separated that regret from the list before it. Thanks.

Max,

I enjoyed this; thank you for posting. I could easily put myself in the shoes of the main personage who hears a distant car crash in the city and reflects on the driver's fate. I have no nits, except that I think it might benefit from more concision. To that end, I reckon it might be worth a go in tetrameter, e.g.:

While walking late at night he hears,
blocks distant, hidden by the city,
a squeal, then a pop. No shattered glass.
One car. Into a tree? A pole?
The alley dumpster by the bars? ...

Take or leave. That’s all I got.

Best,
Erik


******
P.S. Circling back to add that I wonder if the poem would be more direct in the first person?

Thank you, Erik.

The first person, among other problems, feels (more) self-pitying.

Tetrameter has a completely different feel, but that there are so many feet in such a short poem which can be seen as filler I've taken to heart.

Thanks for the nudges.