Short poem
 

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In the park a pond


Behind a chain-link fence and gate we never once saw open, a songless autumn of grey leaf-light and old water. Even in summer. Even in that summer when whole fields died for want and the earth cracked like a scab. Even then it was autumn, damp and deep enough to drown a child.




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Edit: semicolons replaced with commas. Comma added to title. Enjambments removed.


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It's full of brooding and color. I like all the imagery. My sense is that there is a large metaphor at work. It is speaking in the larger context of earth's autumn, to my ear. Coincidentally, I, too, have tried to capture that mega metaphor in a short poem on this board.

It feels like it wants to be a prose poem but at the last minute line breaks occur. I wonder if it might be better effect to shorten the lines. Something along these lines (though I haven't given it much consideration — just wanted to give an example.):


Behind a chain-link fence and gate we never once
saw open, a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water. Even in summer. Even in that summer
when whole fields died for want and the earth cracked
like a scab. Even then it was autumn;
damp and deep enough to drown a child.


Welcome to the Sphere! Hope you like it here.

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I like this a good deal, Richard. I’m sure I need much more time to soak this in as it was just posted, but I’ll give you some of my initial thoughts anyway. Overall, I think it’s about a child’s trauma over the drowning of another child, which is why it is still autumn. The drowning isn’t just about a child actually drowning, but the feelings of the other child remembering it. A lot of “n” sounds leading up to “drown” as well, which I quite like, intentional or not.

I’m hesitant to nit this because, again, the poem was just posted, but I’m not sure about the semicolons. I hate them generally, so there’s that (they should all be sent to punctuation hell as far as I’m concerned—though probably in my next poem I’ll be forced to use one…) But I’m especially not sure of them here.

“songless autumn,” “grey leaf-light,” and “cracked like a scab” are all wonderful. “cracked like a scab” is especially nice because they can be annoyingly painful, they are sores that are supposedly healing but have reopened, and they are, of course, common for children from playing hard (like in a park). I like how the title skips along… A first quick take, so I’m sorry if I completely missed the boat. Good stuff.

I like this, too. The imagery is visceral and the language is stark and compelling. I really love the dry earth cracking like a scab. There's an overall sense of foreboding and an implication that something horrible - perhaps a literal drowning of a child, perhaps not - happened in this particular place.

I'm probably a minority in that I actually like semicolons, but the first one in this poem seems especially out of place to me. If you're saying that the songless autumn is behind the chain-link fence, then I think a comma would work better. The second one could also be replaced with a comma.

This has a melancholy charm while the ending reminds us of the possibility of tragedy that is always lurking. I'm sure the semicolons have been discussed. I don't see their advantage over periods, but that is perhaps an individual decision. Overall, I think this attains its goal.

Hi Jim.

It feels like it wants to be a prose poem but at the last minute line breaks occur.
The perfect description. I, or it, can't seem to make up our minds on this.

I wonder if it might be better effect to shorten the lines.
Something like this?

Behind a chain-link fence and gate
we never once saw open
a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water. Even in summer.
Even in that summer when
whole fields died for want
and the earth cracked like a scab.
Even then it was autumn; damp
and deep enough to drown a child.

That said, your 'prose poem' instinct may well be correct. Will dither.

Welcome to the Sphere!
Thank you.
Hope you like it here.
So far I'd describe it as bracing, but rewarding.

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Hi James.

I think it’s about a child’s trauma over the drowning of another child, which is why it is still autumn. The drowning isn’t just about a child actually drowning, but the feelings of the other child remembering it.
I wouldn't disagree (though see reply to Hilary.)

but I’m not sure about the semicolons.
Me either.

“cracked like a scab” is especially nice because they can be annoyingly painful,
and somehow we seem to forget that as we grow older.
they are sores that are supposedly healing but have reopened, and they are, of course, common for children from playing hard
Precisely.

Good stuff.
Thank you.

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Hi Hilary

There's an overall sense of foreboding and an implication that something horrible - perhaps a literal drowning of a child, perhaps not - happened in this particular place.
The pond/place is real. That a child drowned there (and thus the fence and gate were installed) is, so far as I'm aware, just a local (sub)urban myth.

I'm probably a minority in that I actually like semicolons,
You probably are. But you're right about the intended meaning, so commas it is/will be. Many thanks.


Thanks All.

RG.

Hi John.

I'm sure the semicolons have been discussed.
Yes, they have.
I don't see their advantage over periods, but that is perhaps an individual decision.
Leaning towards commas.
Overall, I think this attains its goal.
Good enough.

Thanks,
RG.

Hi Richard,

[BTW I wrote this before I saw your responses above, I see you've now addressed some of the points]

My take is the pond is closed off because a child has drowned, and this happened before the N was born, or at least, before the N was old enough to remember, since he's never seen the gate open. That the N recalls the summer of heat and drought suggests this isn't the summer that the child who drowned died, which at first I thought it might have been since the imagery is suggestive of mourning, but instead some other summer that he does remember. For the most part, I think the poem works well and is evocative. I like the use of repetition, and also how it's the very last clause of the poem that unlocks it, makes me go back and reread.

Whereas the "grey leaf-light" gives a nice evocative image, I wonder if there might something more interesting/specific than "old" for the water. "old" doesn't convey much of an image, at least not for me. I guess "stagnant" might work -- and has some double meaning -- or, "algaed". Anyway, what makes the water look (smell) old? Maybe show us that.

I wonder at the long the lines, and the shorter final line. I'd say, like Jim, you might try shorter lines. I also wonder at the enjambments: why enjamb on such weak words as "when" and "was"? Alternatively, you're maybe after a prose poem here and don't actually intend the lines to be broken? In which case, maybe just cut out the line breaks. I know prose poems can look odd a computer screen, since they're in landscape rather than portrait. Personally, I just resize my browser window when reading them on here.

Irrespective of my feelings about semicolons in general, I'd say neither semicolon here is used correctly (at least, as I understand semicolon usage), and for me, this detracts from the poem, adding unnecessary confusion. In the first sentence, you'd need a comma to show the elision of "is" or "was" that's taking place, which isn't a job semicolons can do (their union reps are very insistent on this). Alternatively, you could use a colon. The second semicolon would only work if the second clause was an independent clause, which it isn't, so maybe a comma. A dash or a colon would also work. I'd also add a comma to the title: "In the park, a pond" otherwise it's a bit like, "in the park and ride" -- a place to park ponds.

best,

Matt

Hi Matt.

My take
Yep, that's pretty much it.

Anyway, what makes the water look (smell) old? Maybe show us that.
Ponds are standing water, so the water has to be 'old', especially during a drought.

I know prose poems can look odd a computer screen,
Yes, I think it's this that bothers me.

Personally, I just my browser window when reading them here
I feel like I'm missing something here. Is there an omission after just? Or is it a contraction?

Ah, another voice for commas. Point made, and taken.

Thanks.

RG.

I like "old water." I like the simplicity of it and that sense of age, as if this water has been standing around forever.

Hi Richard,

Seeing it laid out as one, I think I do like it better as a prose poem.

I don't dispute this. Though old didn't seem to be adding much when I first read it. As you say, pond water is always old in some sense. However, rereading, I can see that "old" might be doing other work, and also be a reference to what happened in the past. That the pond is stuck in the past, the time of drowning, the water maybe even unchanged since then, and if that's what you're after, I can see that this would be lost if you changed it for "algaed" water, say, even if that did convey a stronger image.

I guess I still find "old" a little bland as a descriptor. You could maybe try personifying the water, for example, and have the water be "brooding", say if that doesn't seem too melodramatic. Maybe there's even another way to convey age without using "old". Maybe not.

It was the word "resize". I think I must have edited it in while you were in the process of replying.

One thing I've done in the past is take a screenshot of a prose poem in Word and posted that instead. That way it appears in exactly the form that you want it to. It's a bit of faff though. You need to upload the image to a image hosting site as you can't directly insert it into your post (I used imgbb.com) , then you use the "insert image" button (the one that looks oddly like an envelop), and stick URL in that. And when you revise, obviously, you need to generate a new image.

Matt

Hi Richard. Coming to this now, I think it works really well as a prose poem.

The "old" is interesting. I didn't really notice it on first reading - lazy reading - but the more I think about it, the more charged it seems, so I like it.

Cheers

David

Yes, keep "old." In addition to the other reasons given, I like how that first sentence lands on how a child might put it. For me, its simplicity in that sense contrasts nicely with the more ornate, poetic "grey leaf-light." It made me look at "died for want" again (thought of something like "died wanting" instead), but, nah. I don't think any changes are necessary. At least nothing I can see now.

Hi Hilary

Thanks for returning.
I like "old water." I like the simplicity of it and that sense of age, as if this water has been standing around forever.
Has a strange sense of solidity.

Hi Matt.

Seeing it laid out as one, I think I do like it better as a prose poem.
Yes. I think Jim's instinct was correct.

rereading, I can see that "old" might be doing other work, and also be a reference to what happened in the past. That the pond is stuck in the past
Not so much the past, but perhaps out of time? Somewhere in the mythologic.

It was the word "resize". I think I must have edited it in while you were in the process of replying.
Aha. Anyway, thanks for the posting pointers. Much appreciated.

Hi David.

The "old" is interesting. I didn't really notice it on first reading - lazy reading - but the more I think about it, the more charged it seems, so I like it.
Good to hear. Thanks.


Hi James.

Yes, keep "old." In addition to the other reasons given, I like how that first sentence lands on how a child might put it.
Wondered when someone would spot that.
For me, its simplicity in that sense contrasts nicely with the more ornate, poetic "grey leaf-light."
Tried to strike a balance.
It made me look at "died for want" again (thought of something like "died wanting" instead), but, nah. I don't think any changes are necessary.
Good to know, thanks.


Once again, thanks all.

RG.

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I lost track of this and am just now coming back to see that it has made the leap to prose poetry. I love it for its plainspokenness. I now hear it as a soft thought-narration. The land is suffering. "Grey-leaf light and old water" is astoundingly vivid to me. And there is mystery to it. The "we" in the first line seems sadly connected to the child in the last line. It makes me ponder. Wonderful poem.

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Maybe "ancient" for "old"? Or "ageless"?

It maybe does more to convey the mythic, and is maybe a bit more interesting than "old". Still, it seems to only be me who's not fond of "old" ...

Matt

I like the old/whole echo plus the unpleasantness of 'old' in the context (an inkling of menace).

Phil

Hi Jim.

made the leap
Thank you for the nudge. It was very well timed.
Wonderful poem.
Ah, thank you.


Hi Matt.

it seems to only be me who's not fond of "old" ...
Yes, the scales do seem a tad unbalanced.


Hi Phil.

I like the old/whole echo plus the unpleasantness of 'old' in the context (an inkling of menace).
Inkling indeed, thanks. Another thumb on the 'old' pan.


Thanks again and thanks all.

RG.

Hi Richard,

I'm not as keen on scab as some others are. It fits, but it feels like a knee-jerk choice, and I'm not sure the feeling it evokes is congruent with what the rest of the poem evokes.

Nick

Hi Nick,

thanks for the feedback. Will mull.

RG.

Hi Richard,

I prefer the version with lots of line breaks, so I comment on that if you don't mind. I hope you find something of use in the feedback.

All the best,

Trevor

In the park, a pond [yes, the title is improved by the addition of the comma. I always notice the interesting syntax in a title]

Behind a chain-link fence and gate
we never once saw open
a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water [I think you need a verb here. To me, it would be better and could also potentially avoid confusion based on grammar]. Even in summer. [bold = delete]
Even in that summer when [put "when" at the beginning of the next line instead?]
whole fields died for want
and the earth cracked like a scab. [Lovely image]
Even then it was autumn[comma] damp
and deep enough to drown a child.

[Overall, it feels a bit underdeveloped, so I wonder if there's anything you could add after the current ending]

Hi Trevor.

I prefer the version with lots of line breaks, so I comment on that if you don't mind.
Comment away.

put "when" at the beginning of the next line instead?
That was a consequence of where I'd set the margins, not a deliberate choice.

so I wonder if there's anything you could add after the current ending
I don't think so. It felt sufficiently final when I arrived there. But now you've planted the seed ...

Many thanks.

RG.

I like the imagery of “earth cracked like a scab”. I personally am not a fan of prose poems usually, I did see someone break it into a stanza but here is some other suggestions. I thought of breaking the first line after fence to imagine someone literally opening the fence and walking past it. Also adding a dash before the earth cracked like a scab line adds emphasis to me.

behind a chain-link fence
we never once saw open
a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water. Even in summer.
Even in that summer when
whole fields died for want—
and the earth cracked like a scab.
Even then it was autumn; damp
and deep enough to drown a child.

[quote=Richard G;502317].

Hi Richard, Just a quick take. I like it both ways, as a prose poem, or in stanzas. I always wonder if stanzas aren't more publishable, but then who am I to know except from what I see published. I like the conceit of summer being autumn. Autumn, in the sense of early drops of leaves and plants entering dormancy, does actually come early sometimes. I do get a little confused or feel like I am having to make a stretch when the poem seems to be saying that autumn was present in summer because of dry conditions and then at the same time talks of autumn being "damp and deep enough..." Seems to me a "though" is missing as in "[though] still damp and deep enough to drown a child."

Jim R.

Hi Harry,
thanks for the feedback and the layout suggestion. I'm continuing to dither.

Hi Jim,
the poem seems to be saying that autumn was present in summer because of dry conditions
Ah, I'll take another look. It's meant to be saying that it is the pond (and the area within the fence) that are persistently autumn(al))

RG.