The Knight & Drey (v2)
 

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v2
The Knight & Drey


You know the pub, its paint too worn
to welcome in the passer-by.
You know the street, the one that sank
beneath the city's rising tide.

You know the kind that drink in there,
each one as empty as a glass.
A place that's haunted by the living.
Which is why you scurry past.
Afraid to enter, quench your thirst,
for what you see might give you pause:
the grizzled things, discarded shells,
those veterans of the Squirrel Wars.

Their baffles, spinners, cages, wires,
the notebooks, logs and master plans,
their Sun Tzu quotes, their certainty
that Nature Must Submit to Man,
all came to naught. All came to this
slow twilight at the long road's end.
Behind a blue and boot-kicked door
their sorrows drown. And rise again.

Their Romes have burned, their Troys all fell,
their Kassels, overrun, surrendered.
The feeders, filled at such a cost,
they can't forget and so remember
how it was they fought across
the Washing Line, the Border's Edge.
Those Rubicons which led to woods
of squirrels nesting in their heads.

Above the bar an epitaph,
in pokerwork, just seven words:
a sentiment as old as Time
reads, What We Did Was For The Birds.


_________

S2/L3-6 was
Wednesay's Quiz and Karaoke,
but, something sees you scurry past.
Afraid to enter, quench your thirst,
for what awaits might give you pause:


_____________________




The Knight & Drey


You know the pub, its paint too worn
to welcome in the passer-by.
You know the street, the one that sank
beneath the city's rising tide.

You know the kind that drink in there,
each one as empty as a glass.
And you've heard it called "The Nuthouse"
which is why you scurry past.
Afraid to enter, quench your thirst
for what you see might give you pause -
the grizzled things, discarded shells,
those veterans of the Squirrel Wars.

Their baffles, spinners, cages, wires,
the drawers full of grand master plans,
their Sun Tzu quotes and certainty
that Nature Must Submit to Man,
all came to naught. All came to this
slow twilight at the long road's end.
Behind a blue and boot-kicked door
their sorrows drown. And rise again.

Their Romes have burned, their Troys all fell,
their Kassels, overrun, surrendered.
The feeders, filled at such a cost,
they can't forget and so remember
how it was they came to cross
the Washing Line, the Borders' Edge.
Those Rubicons which led to woods
of squirrels nesting in their heads.

Above the bar an epitaph,
in pokerwork, just seven words –
a sentiment as old as Time –
What We Did Was For The Birds.



.

I quite like this, Richard, it seems a skillful combination of the light and the heavy—it has all the quick-moving rhythms of light verse, and yet the content shades into satirical darkness—a marriage I am quite fond of. Most of all, in its broad-ranging detail it seems a very exact portrait, appealing to both my senses and to my mind, placing eyes-and-ears and brain right there. I also enjoy the lineation and the rhyme-scheme: breaking up the long rhyming couplet into four lines with only two of the lines rhyming, well, it gives you a chance to pack in the detail and yet still keep the rhyme's forward momentum. Were the lines simply longer, they might feel over-stuffed and the rhymes might seem too insistent. There is something about the present layout that yields the best of both worlds: both freedom and constraint.

Bravo!

Nemo

Hi Richard,

I am going to give this credit for having a lot of thinking and good writing within, but also a demerit or two for making fun of working people, drunks, and old codgers. I think it would appeal to more readers if it good naturedly teased its inhabitants rather than dismissing them and their values. But hey, it's your poem. As a slightly more specific nit, I think the "squirrel" motif following the earlier reference to "nuthouse" is all right in concept but not quite as successfully carried out as you want it to be. Don't be disappointed by your lack of responses to date. Things here slow down in December, many spherians ignore light verse or tend to denounce it, and many also ignore long poems. [I see I cross posted with Nemo. You could have no better ally on the sphere. His opinion carries weight. I'll leave my critique here as is though. I thought it would be the first.]

All the best,
Jim

Richard, I'll be honest and admit I have no idea what this poem is about. That may be entirely on me, since others seem to understand it.

I do have a grammatical nit, though - the line "Their Romes have burned, their Troys all fell" sounds wrong to me. Would it be a problem to say "Their Romes have burned, their Troys have fallen," or something similar that keeps everything in the same tense?

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Hi Nemo.

Thank you for the kind words. Very please you enjoyed it.

_____________


Hi Jim,

I am going to give this credit for having a lot of thinking and good writing within,
Thank you.
but
Uh-oh
also a demerit or two for making fun of working people, drunks, and old codgers.
Zounds! That's my father you're talking about, sirrah.
I think it would appeal to more readers if it good naturedly teased its inhabitants rather than dismissing them and their values.
I thought this was good natured teasing. What am I missing?
As a slightly more specific nit, I think the "squirrel" motif following the earlier reference to "nuthouse" is all right in concept but not quite as successfully carried out as you want it to be.
Any thought/suggestions to improve it?
Don't be disappointed by your lack of responses to date.
Stiff upper lip and all that.
Things here slow down in December, many spherians ignore light verse or tend to denounce it, and many also ignore long poems.
Understood. Thanks.

_____________


Hi Hilary.

I'll be honest and admit I have no idea what this poem is about.
It turns out there are people who put out feeders containing nuts/seeds for the birds, only to discover that most of their largesse will be stolen by squirrels. A certain (shall we say small?) class of those people then take this as a personal challenge and go to ever greater lengths to squirrel-proof their feeders - there's quite an industrial complex that supports their endeavours - only to be met, inevitably, with failure. One such was my father. His constant battles (by which I mean failures) with the grey menace were a source of much amusement within the family. And quite possibly beyond (he swore they were laughing at him.)
That may be entirely on me, since others seem to understand it.
Perhaps the war has touched them in some way?

I do have a grammatical nit, though - the line "Their Romes have burned, their Troys all fell" sounds wrong to me. Would it be a problem to say "Their Romes have burned, their Troys have fallen," or something similar that keeps everything in the same tense?
Problem? Not in the slightest.
Will ponder. Thanks.


Thanks all.

RG.

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Hi Richard,

I confess I thought a lot of the squirrel stuff was metaphorical and referring to grumps in bars/pubs who go on and on about the state of the world. I mistakenly read this as political seething. I didn't really tie the two ideas/conceits together. My question now is whether a poor reader like me can even think of ways to help. I'll think on it.

All the best,
Jim

OK, I didn't get that at all. My reading was more along the lines of Jim's. I actually thought the "discarded shells" were people, like "he's just a shell of his former self" - that sort of thing. Now I understand that they are nut shells.

My parents have dealt with squirrels (and rats) stealing the birdseed and suet, so I'm not *completely* ignorant of that scenario, but somehow I didn't realize the squirrels were actual squirrels.

I confess that the there to which I was so confidently brought was somewhere else than the place you had in mind, Richard. I thought all the squirrel stuff was metaphorical, and that the setting was a pub frequented by aging war veterans (cued by the title). But I don't think that's a problem, the squirrel feeder merely augments my own reading, and both readings co-exist neatly together. I also did not read the poem as dismissive in its satire, but rather as affectionate.

Nemo

Hi Jim, Hilary, Nemo.

Oh dear. Three 'wrong turns' and all in the same direction. I blame the writer. But I'll take comfort from
Nemo's "both readings co-exist neatly together."

Nemo,
(cued by the title)
Is it possible that drey - the nest of a squirrel - is too easy to overlook? I wanted something that sounded like a typical (British) pub name. Perhaps it needs a rethink?

Hilary,
I actually thought the "discarded shells" were people, like "he's just a shell of his former self" - that sort of thing. Now I understand that they are nut shells.
They can be either, it's entirely up to you, or it could be a reference to (shotgun) shells.

RG.

Hi Richard,

Just a quick note. I wasn't being sarcastic. I truly meant I blamed myself for a poor reading. For instance, I had no clue drey meant squirrel's nest. I assume my ignorance is as wide as the Atlantic, but that's hardly the reason I misread the poem. I like the poem. It's smarter than I am. It's not the first poem to outfox me. I liked it when I thought it might be spoofing old geezers like me. I may have liked it even more then, but, at that time I thought it was being so judgmental that it could limit its publication potential.

Jim

Hi Jim.

Just a quick note. I wasn't being sarcastic.
The thought never crossed my mind.
I truly meant I blamed myself for a poor reading
If you want to self-flagellate, far be it from me to intrude, but you weren't alone in your reading (see Hilary and Nemo's comments.) Besides, no reason for me to escape the hook entirely. Drey was so obscure, one might say wilfully so, that I had to go looking for it. Perhaps if I'd found a title with greater clarity much of this could have been avoided?

RG.

Yes, shells from artillery fire occurred to me also.

I had no idea what "drey" meant. I do think maybe the title could be changed to clue the reader in a bit more.

I really think you don't need to do anything to the poem, Richard. Even the title will reward anyone who does a search, and anyone (like me) who does not do a search. It is like you have written two poems at once: no mean feat.

Nemo

Hi Hilary.

I had no idea what "drey" meant.
Not surprising, that took a lot of finding.

Hi Nemo.

I really think you don't need to do anything to the poem,
Good news.



RG.

It’s a clever poem once you get the conceit—men broken by their birdfeeder battles with squirrels—but I was no closer after my fifth reading than after my first. That drains a lot of the humor out of the poem, though some still found plenty to enjoy.

The poem is metrically pretty regular, so I wondered why two lines were so different:

And you've heard it called "The Nuthouse"
which is why you scurry past.

You can shoehorn this into IT with headless lines, but they read more naturally as trimeter with initial anapests. If that’s an intentional effect, no problem.

Unless the German city of Kassel is known for its squirrels, I have to wonder why you’ve used a German variant of the Latin castellum. (The etymology of Kassel is actually disputed.)

Hi Carl.

You can shoehorn this into IT with headless lines
For me both 'And' and 'which' are stressed/emphasised. Any alternatives?

Unless the German city of Kassel is known for its squirrels
It isn't, so far as I know, but it is was the site of a battle and surrender during WWII and such nominal serendipity could not be denied.

RG.

Rich, The Knight & Drey is a great name for a pub, even if I lazily read the third word as a reference to a horse (thinking of "dray", no doubt), and I settled myself down for a rollicking poem about a classic down-at-heel pub - which wasn't really what I got.

It carries on rollicking - you handle the metre really well - but the whimsy factor of the Squirrel Wars was just too high for me. And I usually have quite a high tolerance level for whimsy. Put it down to personal taste, not the poem itself.

So this one is not for me. (I'd like to see what you do, one day, with the poem I thought I was reading.)

Cheers

David

Yeah, that’s what I meant by headless, both lines beginning with a stress. The problem is that “which” isn’t necessarily stressed, and “and” almost never is, except by promotion, and if you don’t know you’re supposed to promote them, it’s more natural to read “And you’ve heard” and “which is why” as anapests, shortening the line to trimeter. The occasional short or long line really isn’t a problem for me, but if it’s unintentional and you do want tet, here are two of many possibilities:

You’ve heard it labeled as "The Nuthouse,"
and that is why you scurry past.

It’s known to locals as "The Nuthouse,"
and that is why you scurry past.

It may be a good sign that this poem is getting such diametrically opposed reviews. Some of us think there’s not enough if the squirrel story doesn’t come through, some think there’s plenty without it, and David wishes he’d never found out!

Hi Richard,

I enjoyed this. The unsuccessful garden-knights with baffles and spinners, and their Sun Tzu quotes, burnt out and broken, but unable to let go, and drinking in the broken-down Knight and Drey. The title / pub name is clever, echoing "Night and Day" and setting up the garden-owner versus squirrel dynamic. I also like the hint the the "you" (the reader / narrator) might be a squirrel, given the "scurry past". This is my favourite of those you've posted so far.

FWIW I did know what a drey is. Maybe the word's better know in the UK? I think it'd be a shame to lose the title. Plus it nicely sets up and works well with part about squirrel nesting in their heads.

A couple of metrical things:

I tend hear:

And you've HEARD it CALLED "The NUThouse"
which is WHY you SCUrry PAST.

Likely you want both of these as headless lines, but absent a clear strong stress at the beginning, a reader may well hear a headless line as starting with an anapaest. I could go either way on the second, I guess, but the anapaest at the beginning of the first line kind steers me to hear the same in the second

I don't really hear this as iambic tetrameter:

the drawers | full of | grand mast | er plans

I guess because iambs don't make up the majority of the feet.


......................All came to this
slow twilight at the long road's end.


Just wondered if this could be more squirrel-themed. It seems a little generic.

This confused me a little:

The feeders, filled at such a cost,
they can't forget and so remember
how it was they came to cross
the Washing Line, the Borders' Edge.
Those Rubicons which led to woods
of squirrels nesting in their heads.

So, here it's the knights that cross the washing line and the border's edge? Likely I'm over-primed by endless video of clever squirrels shimmying along washing lines commando-style to the sound of a James Bond soundtrack, so I'd expected the squirrels crossing the washing line and the borders' edges on the way to the feeders, not the garden-defending bird-feeder-protecting humans as it seems to be here. I guess, then that the knights are going outward, away from their feeders?

Incidentally, shouldn't it "Border's Edge" or "Borders' Edges"? Can multiple borders have a single edge?

At the close, I wonder if an 8 word slogan would work better, so that you get a full line of tetrameter and, to my ear, a more solid closing line. "All that we did ..."? and then maybe something like "eight short words" two lines above?

best,

Matt

Hi David

I'd like to see what you do, one day, with the poem I thought I was reading.
Are you my muse? Is that what this is?

Hi Carl,
thanks for the examples.

How about

It's said that they call it "The Nuthouse."
So, you scurry right on past.

And if headlessness still bothers, consider it as

It's said that they call it "The Nut-
house." So, you scurry right on past.

RG.

How about:

Word is they call it the "Nuthouse"

it's maybe more in voice that "it is said"

-Matt

Hi Matt.
Thanks for the feedback, most helpful..

Maybe the word's better know in the UK?
Possibly we're just more squirrel obsessed over here. Grey invaders and all that.
I think it'd be a shame to lose the title. Plus it nicely sets up and works well with part about squirrel nesting in their heads.
Quite.

A couple of metrical things:
Yes, Carl beat you to this punch.

Word is they call it the "Nuthouse"
Oddly, I'm not sure about 'word' (feels ever so slightly off for some reason. Though its implicit 'street' might link to the 'long road'.)

it's maybe more in voice that "it is said"
Hmm ... I may be some time

I don't really hear this as iambic tetrameter:
Maybe something like
the drawers of cunning master plans
?

Just wondered if this could be more squirrel-themed. It seems a little generic.
Will ponder (but I am keen on slow twilight for some reason.)

This confused me a little:
How about

The feeders, filled at such a cost,
they can't forget and so remember
how it was they fought across
the Washing Line, the Borders' Edge.
Those Rubicons which led to woods
of squirrels nesting in their heads.
?

Incidentally, shouldn't it "Border's Edge" or "Borders' Edges"? Can multiple borders have a single edge?
D'oh!

At the close, I wonder if an 8 word slogan would work better, so that you get a full line of tetrameter and, to my ear, a more solid closing line. "All that we did ..."? and then maybe something like "eight short words" two lines above?
I'd want 'eight little words' but ...
I'm wrestling with that 'all'. Will let it stew for a while.
Until then,
What We Did 𓅪 Was For The Birds.

Thanks again.


RG.

Hi Richard,

"slow twilight" is nice. I think it was the end of the road part that seemed a maybe a little "off the peg" and perhaps better replaced with something squirrelified. Hard to think of squirrel analogue though, unless you can maybe get "tail end" in somehow? "slow twilight at the day's tail end", maybe?

Good job you didn't take my "Word is .." suggestion. It was only three beats ...

Matt

Hi Matt.

Thanks for returning, and the suggestions.

I think it was the end of the road part that seemed a maybe a little "off the peg"
Ah, I was hoping it might have a touch of Napoleon's retreat from Moscow about it. 'Tail's end' may require a shoehorn, will ponder.

Alternatives:

S2/L3: "The Nuthouse" is a local legend / is a place of legend
.............one you scurry right on past.

S3/L2: the notebooks full of diagrams (cunning plans being too Baldrick.)

S5/L4: reads, What We Did Was For The Birds.


RG

.

S2L3 it fixes the metre, and I like the "legend" aspect. Though you maybe lose a little bit of the causal connection, i.e. that you scurry past because it's called the nuthouse -- or at least, that's not as strongly spelled out.

Another possibility might be:

The locals call this place the "Nuthouse"

though I guess then it's ambiguous as to whether the locals are those who drink there, or those don't but live in the locality.

Or maybe:

You've heard folks call this place the "Nuthouse"

or "some" instead of "folks", if you want the possibility that "you" is a squirrel, and "folks" is too human.

S3L2 "the notebooks full of diagrams"

I like this, it's a slightly clearer image somehow.

There might be something stronger / less expected than "full of". "crammed with" gives an internal rhyme. Or "dark with diagrams" maybe -- suggesting dark schemes, and the page darkened by lots of ink. Whether you can cram diagrams into a notebook I'm not sure. I guess "the desk drawers crammed with diagrams" ("shed drawers"?) is an option, too.

S5L4, yup, that works for me.

Matt

Hi Matt.

S2L3 it fixes the metre, and I like the "legend" aspect. Though you maybe lose a little bit of the causal connection,
Yeah, I don't think I've (ahem) cracked this yet.
It's rumoured they call it "The Nuthouse"
?

though I guess then it's ambiguous as to whether the locals are those who drink there, or those don't but live in the locality.
I couldn't make 'local' work either
In local lore it's called "The Nuthouse"
and substituting it with 'regulars' went nowhere. There's also a 'sometimes you want to go / where everybody knows your name' temptation.

S3L2 I like this, it's a slightly clearer image somehow.
A little less overblown, a little more believable perhaps?

Or "dark with diagrams" maybe
You don't think the list, by itself, is sufficient to convey that?

"shed drawers"?
Yes, very tempted to get a shed in there somehow. But do sheds come with drawers?
Maybe
the shed walls pinned with master plans
or something? That said, not everyone might have a shed, but a notebook ...? That's growing on me.

S5L4, yup, that works for me.
Done!

Thanks again.

RG.

PS...In recognition that it might not be possible to save 'The Nuthouse', perhaps
They've karaoke twice a week.
But, every day you scurry past.


.

Hi Richard,

I don't see any record of edits and don't know if this has changed from my initial reading. With all of the exchange between you and Matt, I assume it has. Anyway, I thought I'd run something past you, even though things are looking pretty good as is. What about:


those veterans of the [varmint (or) rodent (or) vermin] Wars.

[Squirrel] baffles, spinners, cages, wires,


Would something like that avoid potential reader confusion? Also, I haven't read all the commentary and am sorry if this is redundant, but is squirrel pronounced with two syllables in the UK?

All the best,
Jim

Richard,

I like the maps pinned on shed walls. I could imagine a military command centre or bunker, and so it works well the military campaign motif elsewhere in the poem. I don't think it matters if they don't all own sheds, some surely will. (Likely, most, is my prejudice!)

Jim,

"squirrel" is two syllables in the UK, or least, in mainstream pronunciations.

I don't think Richard's committed to any changes yet, at least, not enough to edit them in.


-Matt

Hi Jim,
I do like "varmint" (sadly, it doesn't work in my accent.) Will ponder rodent. In the meantime ...

Hi Matt.

(Likely, most, is my prejudice!)
I've been trying to avoid my own on the subject. Tricky.

... revision posted.

Thanks.
RG.

.
At this point, having tried to collect my thoughts but not finding enough time to organize them,, I'm so late that all I can do is cheer the poem on. It's a squirrelly delight. I am there at the end of the bar, defeated, having been baffled by their ingenuity, their tenacity, their exasperating determination.

Notes

• I'll admit that my initial reading missed the point. I kept searching for something more tragic, more significant. So imagine my surprise upon further readings when the poem revealed itself as being a two-headed metaphor. (Squirrels are a fascinating.)
  
• The poem is something of a Trojan horse. I laughed with glee at Nemo’s visceral squirrel-like reaction to the poem (#2). He sensed the skittish movement of the phrasing and felt the heaviness of the metaphor. He saw the poem within a poem. Crack it open and you get another. Two for one.
  
• I love how the patrons that populate the bar resemble a crowd that Charles Bukowski or Tom Waits would feel at home with.
  
• Did you know that squirrels are accidental tree planters? There’s research/evidence that squirrels can’t find the majority of the nuts they bury. As a result, those nuts that remain unfound grow into trees. That’s good for the birds.

Skillful squirrel-like language. The poem is a prize!

.

Can't ask for more than that. Thanks very much Jim.

RG.

Enjoyed your poem very much, Richard. It reminds me of "Good Omens" for some reason, perhaps the underlying comedy in the battle of good and evil. Though I like the title "The Knight and Drey" I do wonder if a different title would increase the pleasure of the poem. Perhaps "Squirrel Wars at the Knight and Drey."

Hi Mary.

Perhaps "Squirrel Wars at the Knight and Drey."
That may promise a bit more than the poem delivers, but I'll see what else lies in that direction.

Many thanks.

RG.