The Other Woman
 

Revision 4: L13 changed from:
But every time he really makes me laugh,
to: but he knows how to really make me laugh.

Revision 3: L1 & 2 changed from:
"referred to" to "averred that".

A famous Royal personage averred
that “In this marriage there’s not two, but three.”
That’s how we are; from time to time a third
incumbent shows herself. She’s not like me.
In fact, we couldn’t be more different!
She’s miserable and cries an awful lot;
where I am placid, she’s belligerent,
and I’m the happy, loving one – she’s not.

My husband always brings me tea in bed,
and asks me (with a grin), if I know which
of his two wives I am today. I dread
the odd times that I’m ‘down’ and like a bitch,
but he knows how to really make me laugh.
We’re two once more – and he’s my better half.

Revision 2 was a complete re-write.

Revision 1:

Speaking about his other wife (not me),
he loves us both, but doesn’t like her much;
he wants to kick that bad one into touch
(and no, it’s not a case of bigamy).
I'd like to rid myself of her as well.
It’s not quite fair, though – she’s not really ‘bad’,
but when she's not around, we’re both so glad,
because, at times, she makes our homelife hell.

We don’t see much of her, just now and then,
but when she's here, she’s miserable and cries
an awful lot. My husband always tries
to make her laugh, and be like me again.
We don't know how this works; it simply does,
for which we're really thankful... just because.

Original:

My husband has another wife, and me.
He loves us both, but doesn’t like one much;
he wants to kick the bad one into touch
(and no, it’s not a case of bigamy).
I wish to rid myself of her as well.
It’s not quite fair, though – she’s not really ‘bad’,
but when she isn't here we’re both so glad,
because, at times, she makes our homelife hell.

We don’t see much of her, just now and then,
but when she comes, she’s miserable and cries
an awful lot. My husband always tries
to make her laugh, and be like me again.
It works, and then we both show her the door.
Peace and contentment rules the roost once more.

Hi Jayne.

Excellent title. I liked the first stanza, but didn't feel things developed sufficiently in the second. The opening sentence of S2 isn't really adding much to what has gone before and I think helps to make the resolution feel rushed (not to mention that 'rules the roost' feels to familiar.) I'd like a bit more about the efforts involved in banishing 'bad'. Might S2 start with 'My husband always tries to make her laugh'?

RG.

Hi Jayne,

The title is indeed a good one. There were two things though I found myself wishing for on readings. The first is a better understanding of what “he wants to kick the bad one into touch” can mean. I can’t figure out if it’s a UK idiom I don’t know…perhaps a phrase meaning in touch with reality? Into touch with the situation? Maybe this is just a newish idiom my antique brain is not in touch with yet? On first reading I kept thinking it must be a variant spelling of tush and that “in the tush” was autocorrected to “into touch.” I even wondered whether “Touch” was a place name that should have been capitalized. My second wish was that the ending line be different. Like Richard I did not much like “rules the roost.” For me, something simple and cozy/cosy would suffice. Here’s one idea:

It works and then we both show her the door
and share our pot of tea in peace once more.

All the best,
Jim

(aside to Jim: "kick into touch" is a football/soccer idiom, meaning approximately (American) "kick out-of-bounds". "Touch" is the area surrounding the playing field...)

Hi Jayne--

I'm not sure I'm ever going to be crazy for this one. Its gender-take feels uncomfortably old-fashioned and anti-feminist to me: the wife's occasional ("hysterical"?) excessive emotion (her only crimes are being "miserable" and crying too much) is not something to work on constructively, but a problem that both husband and wife wish to be rid of.

But I do think it has some clever turns, and I do have a few suggestions for it:

I agree with the others that the title is good.

At line 2, would "her" make more sense than "one"? If you change this, I think you would also want to rephrase "the bad one" in line 3.

I really think you should rework line 4. It seems to me that the charm of this is increased the longer you can delay revealing who the other woman is. The present line 4 rather gives the game away, if parenthetically.

In line 14, I agree with the others that "rules the roost" is too cliched to be a good use of those syllables. Even if you keep it, I think the verb needs to be "rule" since it has two subjects.

Cheers,

--Simon

P.S. I think Roger (below) and I posted almost simultaneously with very similar takes.

I'm not really getting a sense of what sins the other woman is guilty of, other than that she cries and is miserable, and the "real me" laughs. Don't all people sometimes laugh and sometimes cry, even husbands? Unless I know more about what the weeping version of the speaker is like, I must resort to gender stereotypes of women being too volatile and emotional and men being steady and even-keeled.

I'd also go easier on stock phrases, "make...hell", "show the door,""rule the roost.

My thought is that perhaps this other woman is the clinically depressed version of the N's self. If that is the case, it's not a matter of gender stereotypes, or of criticizing normal human emotions. Depression really does make one feel like a different person and is hard for both the depressed person and their family members to live with.

I do feel though that - if that is the intended reading - more could perhaps be done to make that clear.

Hi, Jayne—

I enjoyed this sonnet. It does depend on a somewhat old-fashioned set of expectations for husbands and wives, but I am old enough to find some charm in that. As I re-read it, I find myself wondering if you didn’t slyly invite the reader to question whether the wife’s need to conceal her feelings is, in fact, a good thing. What happens to the “bad” wife when she goes away? Isn’t she really just imprisoned in the “good” wife? In that reading, the artificiality of the stock phrases “show her the door” and “Peace and contentment rule the roost” seem almost like a characteristic of the disguise that the “good” wife is required to wear in order to (as the saying used to go) “be a good sport.”

The expression “kick . . .into touch” was new to me, too. Thanks, Simon, for the gloss.

Thanks for sharing your poem and for all you do.

Glenn

Richard,

Thanks for your thoughts on this. My husband can take the credit for the title – I always struggle to think of one!
As it’s a sonnet, I don’t think of it so much in terms of being stanza 1 and stanza 2, but more of a resolution to the problem. To drastically simplify the situation, I occasionally get very weepy and emotional (I prefer not to think of myself as ‘depressed’), my husband makes me laugh and I’m OK again.
I agree that “rules the roost” needs to go. It’s a cliché, so I’ll try to think of a better way of ending the poem.

Jim,
I appreciate your comments too. I didn’t realise that “kicking [something or someone] into touch" is a British idiom; it’s putting an end to/getting rid of…, as mentioned in L5, that I wish to do as well.
Yours is a 2nd note for losing “rules the roost” (see my reply to Richard).

Simon,
It’s interesting that you see this as anti-feminist; I’m not saying that all women are hysterical or over-emotional. It’s about me getting down in the dumps (to put it mildly) when certain issues occasionally become too much for me to bear.
Your suggestion for L2 (thank you) has made me change L1 instead. I hope that works. I want to keep L4 though, because there’s a need to be succinct in a sonnet, and I think it’s the right time to divulge that it’s one wife here, not two.
I agonised over ‘rules’ v ‘rule’ in the last line, but as I’m getting rid of the whole phrase I’ll come back to that. Meanwhile, thank you all for your helpful suggestions. Revision coming up.

(While I've been writing this, Bob and Hilary (and now Glenn) have posted. Thank you both all; I'll come back to you. :))

Jayne

Hello Jayne,

My mind keeps comparing this sonnet to the Kate Bush Song "Babooshka": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xckBwPdo1c

In Bush's song, we have a disenchanted husband who falls in love with "the other woman" who happened to be his wife all along, who had tricked him to demonstrate his disenchantment was never what appeared to be, and that she was the woman who he really loved all along, at least a version of her. Now, I am taking the main conceit in your poem is that the other woman is N when she is not feeling that well, with the difference being that he husband wants to keep on trying.

The octect is written in a plain somewhat monosyllabic iambic pentameter, but I don't think the sestet also being written in that same style works, because there is not enough poetic surprise (language, imagery, situation, figuration, metaphor, specific details, and so on) in the sestet, so the sonnet does not turn as emphatically as I think it should.

It is not that the overarching rhetorical strategy of the sestet and the sonnet as a whole bothers me that much, since it is fine if you want the dissonance of the octet to resolve to domestic tranquility by the end of the sestet, but I feel that we need a more suprising and fraught journey to get there. If you don't want to up the stakes by creating too much tension in the octect, then, for me, the sestet has to do more work.

Yeah!

Hi Jayne,

My opinion of the appropriateness of a poet's subject and theme is that it should always be left to the poet. Only the poet knows what market they are shooting for, be it a blog, contest, Christian magazine, liberal lit mag or other.

All the best,
Jim

Bob,
Perhaps I haven’t made the whole premise clear enough. The “other woman” isn’t guilty of anything else but crying and being miserable. She’s me, but only “now and then”, so there’s no need to know any more about the “weeping version”.
Others have mentioned the stock phrases, or clichés, which I’m working to replace.

Hilary,
You’ve absolutely nailed what I’m trying to say! I avoid descriptions like “clinically depressed” (see my reply to Richard in post #8) so I hope my revision might make the whole situation more clear.

Glenn,
I’m glad you enjoyed this sonnet. Yes, the bad wife really is imprisoned in the good wife! They’re both me. My husband has taken to bringing me a cup of tea in bed, enquiring (with a grin) which one I am today. I’m happy to report that 99% of the time I’m the latter.

Thank you, Glenn. That's very kind, and means a lot.

Yves,
Gosh, I’ve never actually listened closely to the lyrics to Babooshka, so thank you for highlighting their meaning. When the “bad wife” is around, it is rather “a fraught journey” as you say, but, thankfully, it’s also short-lived.
I’m afraid I’ll never be remembered for incorporating imagery, metaphor, etc. into my poems; for better or worse, I can only tell it as it is, in everyday language. It appeals to some people, but I acknowledge that others would like more.

Jim,
Thank you for coming back. I liked your “sharing a pot of tea in peace” idea for the ending, but it tended to make me feel old, …even though I am! :D
And yes, I think you understand that writing this kind of poem is largely for the catharsis it brings about.

My thanks to all of you.

Jayne

Hello Jayne,

I can appreciate someone sticking to their style (still think, though, the sestet needs some kind of seasoning). I hope the poem does what you want.

I agree with what I think Bob said, but since you're understanding him differently, I'll try to put it another way.

The speaker of the poem says that "at times [i] make our homelife hell," but doesn't share enough to help me agree with her. I'm left with the feeling that she's beating herself up over nothing.

The husband comes off worse than the speaker seems to realize. She seems grateful that he makes her laugh and loves her even when she's down. This reader sees a man who's convinced his wife that feeling miserable makes her a bad person, (because she's) a nuisance to him. The conceit of the poem has the speaker viewing her struggles through the lens of being a good wife; she's less concerned about her own feelings than about her ability to be the right partner (rather than the "other" one).

Jayne, I got what you were going for, I think, and I enjoyed the way you mislead the reader at first about what the other woman really is. I still feel your final couplet isn't as good as it could be. I tried a slightly different take on it:

We don't know how this works, but when it does,
we both prefer this me to what I was.

Anyway, I think you can still do better than the current version of the final couplet.

Susan

Hello Jayne,

You have addressed some of my concerns while keeping within your self-chosen stylistic constraints; and, relative to my previous comments, I consider the poem improved.

[1] The Balance of Tensions Between the Octet and Sestet

You have heightened the tension in the first octet by altering the first line to create a stronger sense of misdirection. If a comic sets up the punchline better, then the punchline itself does not need to be altered, and if a sonneteer sets up the octet better, then the set up can be more effective as is.

[2] The Sestet Needs More Seasoning

What I was attempting to imply is that even though the choice of honestly speaking from the heart can create a plainly speaking somewhat monosyllabic iambic pentameter, and it is a fair choic to carry that voice between the octet and sestet, still I felt the sestet needed to be seasoned. Originally, the examples I gave were all in the ball park of heightening the "poeticness" of the sestet; but Susan's last comment also showed me that the seasoning could simply be "sharper phrasing", and the change you made to the final couplet strenghten the sestet while staying within your self-chosen stylistic constraings.

I am reminded about a useful comment about commenting on art: sometimes a person raises an issue, even if their solution is not what one wants to do, but it might help one explore the issue oneself.

Yeah!

I don't know if this suggestion would require too radical a rewrite to consider, but here goes. I think you spill the beans too soon. Maybe the octet should simply and consistently refer to his "other wife" without explicitly revealing that it's not actually a different person. Spend the octet describing the "other wife," then save the reveal for the sestet, or even as late as the final couplet. Among other things, that would give you more space to describe the "other wife" in more particular detail, not just as someone who is miserable and cries a lot, and it would give us a decisive sonnet-like turn.

Yves, Max, Susan and Bob,

You've all given me a lot of great suggestions. I tried reading this as if I was seeing it for the first time - and all the flaws sprang right out at me!

I'm very grateful to you for taking the time to give me your thoughts, so forgive me for not addressing them all individually.

I think, as you suggested, Bob, a complete re-write would be a good idea. I'll give it a go. (I wrote it after coming out of what I call a 'trough', a very low point which happens occasionally. I fight it, but I sometimes lose; that's when my husband's great sense of humour gradually wins me round!)

I'll try a different tack and see what happens... thanks again.

Jayne

.
I had been preparing a comment to post on this poem when Rogerbob said what he said. I had made a similar observation that I wish the poem was told more slant than it is. Keep the ace up your sleeve.

I think Bob's idea is exactly what the poem needs to redress itself — though to do so will run the risk of losing what I think is the beating heart of the poem: humor. It's a superpower in a relationship — especially a relationship that has survived the years.

L2: I love/like the way you discriminate between love & like. Truth.

L7 feels flat. Sing-songy.

Midway through my first reading the Politically Correct Police showed up to tell me there was a stereotype being played out. But I summarily dismissed it (as I almost always do) to allow the honesty of the voice to flower. I like it for its truthfulness. The unvarnished honesty is refreshing.


.

Hi Jim,

Thanks so much for reiterating Bob's POV. I needed that kind of jolt to make me re-think - not the idea itself - but the execution of it.
Well, I've done that, so now (I hope) the octet is mostly about "the other woman", and the sestet reveals that she's also me, without giving the game away too soon.

We've been married for thirty five years this year - and yes, humour was there right from day one!
It's only in recent years that "the other wife" has intruded into our lives - largely because of a medical condition that, whilst not life-threatening, is life-altering. If anything else comes along and troubles me as well, it sometimes all gets too much and "she" appears. (I've never mentioned this before, and I'm not looking for a sympathy vote.)

Revision posted, so we'll see what you and others think.

Jayne

Hello Jayne,

Third version is nice! You have added some bite to the voice with the which/bitch rhyme! Interesting flavour, strident and acerbic, which colours and contrasts with the humour, the self-pity, the sadness, and the love. There are so many things you could probably do with this though, and the numerous options means the poem is multi-dimensional, resonating simultaneously on many factors each of which could be tweaked!

I was previously asking for this resonance.

Hi, Jayne—

I like the new revision a lot. Your speaker seems much more confident and the gentle humor, although self-directed, is more self-accepting. The poem has evolved into a beautiful tribute to your husband.

The reference to Princess Diana keeps the reader in suspense about the nature of the “love triangle” throughout the octet, which, I think, is very effective. It also allows you to bring the poem back full circle, from two, to three, to two again.

Glenn

I resent being called the "Politically Correct Police," not least because I made no effort to control Jayne's discourse. I just told her how I responded to the poem. That's what we do here, Jim.

Jayne, I too prefer the spirit and tone of the revision. However, I don't think referred woks in line 1. D is asserting there, isn't she?--not referring to anything. Sorry--I know it's a rhyme word.

I like the humour/relevance of closing on the laugh/half rhyme.

Phil

The changes are charming. The speaker has a sense of humor about the situation (doesn't feel as down on herself), and the husband is better shown to care about her.

"Referred to" doesn't encourage me to read beyond the first lines. It's stiffness could, I suppose, be defended as a match in register for the tongue-in-cheek "Royal personage," but it isn't a synonym for "said."

FWIW.

In a rush, but will come back later. I've made a quick change to "averred that" in L1, which is better than "referred to".

Jayne

Jayne, I mainly like the rewrite, but "incumbent" doesn't fit well in a marriage. Maybe "partner reveals" instead of "incumbent shows"?

Susan

2 cents: I find "incumbent" delightfully sly and awkward and tongue in cheek and distancing (in the end the narrator distancing from herself, detach from the situation somewhat).

Hi Jayne,

If you decide against "incumbent," maybe "indweller" would work. It would add a bit of alliteration too with "herself." Just a thought.

Jim

ps Ahhh, but now I see it would lose some other echoes of sound...
pss I think I mean assonance

Hi Jayne

There is a feminist critique to be had here in which it can be pointed out that women are twice as likely as men to suffer from depression and that this may have something to do with the strong social pressure on them to act kindly, gently, and unselfishly in ways that men feel largely exempt from. When men do show these traits they get brownie points whereas women are likely to be criticised if they fail sometimes to show them. The feminist argument would say that you should not beat yourself up about being a bitch sometimes.

But all that is political and the poem is personal. And it is good to appreciate and celebrate the one you love and the tricky negotiations you both have to make.

One nit. S2 L5
“But every time he really makes me laugh;”
I’m not sure whether to read that as meaning “On those occasions that he makes laugh” or “he really makes me laugh every time”. I’m thinking first version is closer to what you mean, so maybe rephrase it as “But when he makes me laugh, we really laugh”. Just a thought.

Cheers

Joe

It's a very nice rewrite, Jayne. (Revision 3, I mean.) Mission accomplished, I would say.

Y'know, there's a touch of "The Phoenix and the Turtle" to your last line.

Cheers

David

Thanks for your comments, all you lovely people. I'm a bit tied up with other stuff at the moment, but I'll address individual posts sometime tomorrow, all being well.

Jayne

You smashed it!

Sorry I'm coming to this very late.
The second revision is very good!
RM

Hi Jayne,

"It's getting better, a little better all the time...it can't get no worse....." I am liking the changes. I want to throw a suggestion at you in the event you feel "bitch" is too risky:

...My husband always brings me tea in bed,
and asks me (with a grin), if I know which
of his two wives I am today. I dread
the odd times that I’m ‘down’ and like a bitch.
[the odd times my down side will flip a switch]
[the odd times that my down side flips a switch]
But every time he really makes me laugh;
we’re two once more – and he’s my better half.....


All the best,
Jim

I have to admit I'm not loving "bitch." It feels like an unfair characterization of a woman who is struggling with mood, irritability, whatever it may be.

It is realistic and part of life that sometimes folk are hard on themselves.

Yves,
Thank you. I’m glad you like the new version more, including the which/bitch rhyme. I’m intrigued by your “There are so many things you could probably do with this though, and the numerous options means the poem is multi-dimensional…” Care to expand on that?

Glenn,
Thank you for your encouraging post! You’ve touched on all the things I was aiming for.

Simon,
I aspire to being a member of the Politically Correct Police, so please don’t mind being called that; I take it as a compliment! I’m glad you prefer the revision, and I’ve addressed the “referred to” line, so thanks for pointing out the error there.

Phil,
I felt happier myself with the final couplet, so I appeciate your approval of it.

Max,
As you’ll see, I’ve changed “referred to”, following your advice and that of others. Thank you for saying you found the changes “charming”. Yes, I’ve put my husband in a better light in the poem. (You know him, so you know where I’m coming from! ;))

Susan,
I almost never disagree with a word you say (or write, for that matter!), but on this occasion I have to say that I think incumbent is the perfect word here, in the sense of “someone currently holding office”, which the “other woman/wife” arguably is. Also, I’ve never seen “incumbent” in a poem before – that’s not to say no one’s ever used it – but I like it for its rarity and I want to keep it.

Yves,
Thanks for coming back, and for your vote for incumbent being “delightfully sly…etc."

Jim,
See my previous comments for choosing to keep “incumbent”. I’ve never come across the word “indweller” in my whole life. Is it a US expression? As far as I’m aware, it’s unheard of in the UK.

Joe,
You make a very interesting point, re feminism. I can only explain it very briefly thus: When I’m “her” (the other wife) I hate myself and feel like a bitch, because I know I’m being unreasonable. See my further note to Hilary and Jim, below. (It could become a matter for a debate we don’t have time for right now).
I agree with you about the ambiguity of the penultimate line… I’ll have a think about that one.

David,
Oh wow, David! What can I say, about "mission accomplished" and being even slightly likened to Shakespeare? I shall dine out on that for the rest of my life. Haha. Thanks for your vote of confidence.

Yves,
I've "smashed it"?? Aw, shucks, thank you!

Rick,
Aw, shucks, thank you for a thumbs up as well!

Hilary and Jim,
Re “bitch”: I’m keeping the word, because I'm not making “an unfair characterization…”. If I can further explain – it’s not how I’m made to feel; it’s how I feel myself when I’m depressed (although I’m not keen on describing myself that way). Depression is a serious illness, which is why I prefer to use the expression feeling "down”, although that can be pretty serious too. Just now and then, my medical condition drags me down to rock bottom, and I hate myself for the way I feel and act. The message of the poem is to say that (thankfully) it’s only occasionally, and that my husband brings me out of it by making me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, as the saying goes! :)

All this is quite difficult to say within the constraints of a sonnet, but the consensus seems to be that I’m close to nailing it. Thanks, all (especially to Yves, who thinks I already have :D).

Jayne

I've changed that line, Joe, which I wasn't happy with, so thank you for making me think about it some more. I hope the meaning is more clear now.

Jayne

In the last few lines, you give up the "we are three" trope and say I'm down and like a bitch. I think you might try to stay with the trope a bit more. An example of what I mean follows. I've also tried to get rid of "really", which seems like filler. Of course, this is just by way of example and is probably not polished enough to use without tinkering:

..............................................I dread
the odd times that I'm sidelined by that bitch,
but then he tells a joke and makes me laugh.
We’re two once more – and he’s my better half.

I don't like the first line. "A famous onetime Royal once averred"?