Walking with My Dog
 

Walking with My Dog

She rubs herself against my shin.
Her fur is shiny, soft, and black.
My students’ themes on Hester Prynne
will still be here when we come back.
I snap the leash and off we go.
She snuffles scents from bark and weeds;
we wander far from trails we know
so she can have the run she needs.
She thrums with joy, charged up, aglow
with gratitude, it seems, for all
her happiness. Her features show
a pure and loving faith. So small,
deprived of words, yet she can say
enough to show me how to pray.
————————
Edits:
L1: She rubs herself against my shin. > She rubs herself against my shin; > She rubs herself against my shin.
L2: Her fur is shiny, soft, and black. > her thick fur shiny, soft, and black. >her fur is shiny, soft, and black. > Her fur is shiny, soft, and black.
L6: She vacuums scents from bark and weeds. > She snuffles scents from bark and weeds,
L7: We wander from the trails we know. > wandering far from trails we know > we wander far from trails we know
L8: I let her have the run she needs. > so she can have the run she needs.
L9: She shakes with joy, her face aglow > She thrums with joy, charged up, aglow
L10: I think she’s thanking God for all > with gratitude, I think, for all > with exuberant thanks for all > with gratitude, it seems, for all

Hi Glenn,

As you know, I get a lot out of walking my dog too, so I enjoyed your theme a lot. I did balk though a bit at a point where I thought the poem may be too literally crediting dogs with the ability to conceive of God. Maybe I am the one being too literal, though. Anyway, I thought a slight change would smooth my read:

How about:

She shakes with joy, her face aglow
as if she’s thanking God for all

instead of:

She shakes with joy, her face aglow.
I think she’s thanking God for all

All the best,
Jim

Hi Glenn,

Like Jim, my main nit here is with the God line. That's no because I particularly have a problem with the N thinking that the dog is thanking God, but because of how much this line gives away what's coming. If you were to cut that line completely, I think the poem would still work and be better. I'd suggest finding a line that doesn't mention God or Christianity/religion, so that "show me how to pray" comes as more of a surprise, and then has more impact.

For example, something like this would do it:

She shakes with joy, her face aglow,
as if lit up with gratitude for all
her happiness. Her features show

but no doubt you can do better. Then the "pure and loving faith" would be more likely read (I think) as being trust and faith in her master. In fact, might that be a slightly different angle for a revision of the poem and worth considering: the dog's faith, joy, love, obedience and trust in her master inspiring the N as a model for the best way to approach God?

best,

Matt

I think this is very good, even the God line. (At first I had trouble relating, since my dog is an atheist).

Glenn, I think you risk losing some readers with the word "pray." Would you consider "praise" instead? To make the poem overtly religious, especially in connection to a dog, is going to be a step too far for some, but the idea of joy and gratitude is universal.

Susan

Well, there are tons of fine poems that are overtly religious and which don't offend or turn off atheists such as me. And the poem doesn't actually say that the dog is religous or praying. We can believe the dog doesn't entertain religious thoughts or impulses while also believing that it inspires such thoughts in its owner.

Hi, Jim, Matt, Roger, and Susan—

Thank you, all, for your useful impressions and suggestions.

I found it interesting that all of you choked a bit on L10. Maybe it’s a Catholic thing, but I was always a big fan of St. Francis of Assisi. As a child I loved the stories about him preaching to the birds and converting the wolf of Gubbio. I was worried that the suggestion of a dog praying might be too cute, like a Hallmark card with a dog kneeling beside a bed with folded paws. I was also concerned that the reader might be tempted to conclude that the dog regarded the N as her God. I did not want to imply this. My objective was to show that the English teacher N realizes that prayer has less to do with language and intellect and more to do with love and awe. God loves His creatures and they love Him.

I was convinced, Matt, by your remark that L10 gave away too much and weakened the ending. Accordingly I went with an edit similar to the ones you and Jim suggested. I decided that I could get away with the final word “pray,” Susan, since I stop short of saying that the dog is praying, merely noting that her behavior exemplifies a relationship with God that is, ironically, more profound than the N’s.
I must ask, Roger, how you know your dog’s opinions on religion. I would love to join in on those conversations.

I sincerely appreciate your generous comments, all.

Glenn

Hi Glen,

I think this is good as well. An interesting point is the number of lines in the first half of the poems that are end-stopped. One-line sentences. The second half has enjambments that make the rhymes flow more naturally. I'm wondering if this is intentional. I've walked a few dogs and I know it can be very stop-and-go. Perhaps the flow comes in at the right time.

Rick

I like the original line better and I don't think it gives away the ending. The ending is a different thought. Anyway, this isn't a whodunnit or a joke whose punchline you don't want to spoil. The original line just sounded better, in my opinon.

Hi, Rick—

It’s funny you should mention the end stops. They were not originally deliberate, and when I noticed them I tried to break them up, but then I decided that I liked the contrast in tempo between the end stops and enjambments coinciding with octet and sestet. I also liked the quicker pace after the mention of the running in L8. Since this is a “skinny sonnet” in tetrameter, it’s easy to fall into the trap of goose stepping in march time, and the end stops only make it worse.

I’m glad you enjoyed it.

Glenn

Hi Glenn,

Now that I've read the revision, I'm in agreement with Matt's original take. I think the poem now just more subtly gets where it's going. I think the ending is stronger for not having the turn compete with it as much.

Jim

Hi Glenn, I also prefer the revised line. Consider whether you need the comma after "aglow" - it could just be

She shakes with joy, her face aglow
with gratitude, I think, for all [...]

Hi, Roger, Jim, and Hilary—

Soundwise, I have no strong preference for the original or revised L10. My only fear with the revision is that the reader might conclude that my dog regards me as her God. I don’t, however, feel that that reading is necessarily the only one possible.

I’ll leave the revision for now. Good catch, Hilary, with the comma after “aglow.” I forgot to delete it when I made the revision.

Thanks, all, for weighing in. Your suggestions are helpful.

Glenn

Hello, Glenn,

This is really cute! It's a charming and heartfelt poem. You've captured the emotionally resonant moments, and they flow nicely.

One suggestion I have is that the poem’s structure might better reflect the dynamic activity you’re describing. Your current lines feel quite static and end-stopped, which contrasts with the fluidity of the scene. I wonder if loosening the punctuation a bit and reducing self-referential statements ("I") might enhance the poem’s liveliness and immediacy.

Here's one possible revision, to take or leave as you see fit:

These adjustments are aimed at enhancing the active, fluid nature of your narrative while putting your lovely dog firmly at the center of attention.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful, Glenn—good luck!

Cheers,
...Alex

Hi, Alex—

I’m glad you enjoyed this poem.

I made some adjustments to reduce the number of end-stopped lines. Hopefully it now seems a bit less constipated. I also thought that your advice to minimize first-person references to the N was good, so I made a few more adjustments to do so.

I was sorry to lose “vacuums,” since it seems to me to precisely describe the way my dog processes clumps of clover and those places that dogs seem to use as olfactory message boards. After some consideration, though, I decided that the image was at odds with the natural scene.

Thanks for your detailed, generous analysis and your useful suggestions.

Glenn

I really liked the last draft much better, Glenn. I think you should have quit when you were ahead.

Hi again--You will have to decide which version you like in several instances. Please yourself, not the most recent critic (which is not to say you shouldn't listen to them/us when you think they/we have a point)...

I have to say, though, that I'm with Roger in preferring some of the choices in earlier drafts. For example, I kinda liked the suggestion in the syntax being constrained at first then getting looser as man and dog got outside. Even more so, I liked "vacuuming" a lot, since that is exactly true to my experience of dogs, too (one reason all my dogs are cats--ha). An excited dog may be part of nature but certainly doesn't blend into the background. Also, "exuberantly" seems overstated, maybe too "telly," for me.


Cheers,
--Simon

The first quatrain is charming.

That the dog's exuberance teaches the teacher something is a nice place for a light piece like this to land. What prayer has to do with it, isn't clicking for me.

I stumble a couple of times on my way there: The poem makes a point of telling me the dog is on a leash, so her running in the next sentence jars. "Exuberant" is the one word that doesn't fit the poem's rhythm. Theoretically, that might be an exuberant breaking of the pattern, but that's not how it feels to this reader.

The shaking with joy and face aglow are important to the poem, so I wish those were clearer, fresher images.

Howard Nemerov's "Walking the Dog" comes to mind.

FWIW.

Hi, Roger, Simon, and Max—

I appreciate the time and thought you invested in sharing your reactions.

Roger—I put back the original L2, but added a semicolon at the end of L1 to announce “English teacher.” I also got rid of “exuberant,” which wasn’t working either for meter or tone, and replaced “gratitude.”

Simon—I may need to let this pickle for a few days and come back to it with fresh eyes. I liked the end-stops in the octet and “vacuums,” too. But after re-reading several times, the one-line sentences started to sound like “See Spot run. Run, Spot, run!” The vacuuming seemed to suggest a robotic, Roomba quality, with sinister overtones of Fahrenheit 451. I thought “snuffles” accurately described the activity in a more appealing way.

Max—I thought I could get away with not having to actually mention taking her off the leash. My thinking was that retreating to more isolated trails would be the clue. I agree that “exuberant” was a bad idea. I’ll see if I can come up with a more arresting way to describe her happiness. I found Nemerov’s “Walking the Dog,” a poem I was not previously familiar with. Thanks for guiding me to it. I enjoyed the earthy and heart-warming humor.

Thanks, all—

Glenn

Hi Glenn,


The other thing I meant to mention is that you should try to come up with a more interesting title.

Rick

I think it was wise to revert on L2. I like "snuffles" but "vacuums" worked for me too. I wasn't picturing a literal vacuum, just a very enthusiastic dog taking in the scenery. I generally like semicolons, but I am not sure you need them here.

Agree with Simon that ultimately you need to decide what you prefer. Coming back in a few days with fresh eyes is often the best way to do that.

Hi, Rick and Hilary—

Returning to this piece after a brief rest, I decided that I like the end stops in the first few lines, suggesting the slow process of flipping papers. The enjambments later in the poem underscore the heightened motion and mood of the N. I kept one semicolon.

I felt, as Max mentioned, that “shakes with joy, her face aglow” in L9 lacked interest and intensity. Accordingly I made a change that compares the dog (and N’s) excitement to an electric charge.

Rick—I like the ordinariness of the title as it plays against the dog’s excitement at the walk as a special moment of grace, which she communicates to the N.

Thanks, both, for your continuing helpful advice.

Glenn

I think it's a good revision, Glenn. It combines the strengths of different versions.

What Hilary said. You made good selections from the smorgasbord of advice. (And started well on your own, too.)

Hi, Hilary and Julie—

I appreciate you both stopping by. Thank you for your encouragement. I’m glad you liked this piece.

Glenn

.
I've procrastinated too long this time, and you have done a fine job of leashing (or is it unleashing) the poem to say some things that especially dog lovers like me can intuit.

So I won't stay long except to say you had me eating out of your hand at the title. The inclusion of the word “With” says it all. I must remember to walk with my dog.

You've transformed the original God-centric conceit into something more ethereal and it welcomes me in to walk with you.

Btw, I really like the user-friendly way you've tracked the changes.

.

Hi, Jim—

Heartfelt thanks for sharing your response to my poem. Your encouragement means a lot to me.

Glenn