Living a Double Life
 

version 4 (which tries to smooth the syntax of S1L4 and S2L4 after receiving Simon's, David's, and Jayne's comments on syntax}

In Front of Me

A hidden cave, an open gate
a wall to climb, a path sublime…
all while I looked among those books,
I fingered spines and cocked my head
and lingered long on those I'd read.

And, here, I browsed, and, there, I paused,
but journeyed then within my head
to choose instead to give a look
to time now gone, and think then of
what things I loved the most when young:

A baseball game, a faithful friend,
some famous name, a hero praised,
a football great, a movie star,
a dollar bill, some distant hill,
a cool night breeze, or girl to please.

I thought a while, then, with a smile,
I knew what I was looking for
while searching more through mind and time
to find the things once loved the most—
it was the books, O yes! the Books!

newest edit 3-19-25 pluralize "thing" throughout

version 3

In Front of Me

A hidden cave, an open gate
a wall to climb, a path sublime…
all while I looked among those books,
I fingered spines and cocked my head
and lingered where were ones once read.

And, here, I browsed, and, there, I paused,
but journeyed then within my head
to choose instead to give a look
to time now gone, and think then of
what most I loved when I was young:

A baseball game, a faithful friend,
some famous name, a hero praised,
a football great, a movie star,
a dollar bill, some distant hill,
a cool night breeze, or girl to please.

I thought a while, then, with a smile,
I knew what I was looking for
while searching more through mind and time
to find the thing once loved the most—
it was the books, O yes! the Books!


version 2

In Front of Me

All while I looked
among the books,
I fingered spines
and cocked my head
and lingered where
were those once read.
I paused now here,
I paused then there,
but ended up
within my head
to look instead
at times now gone,
soon thinking of
what most I loved
when I was young:
a baseball game,
a faithful friend,
some famous name,
a cool night breeze,
or girl to please.
I thought a while.
Then, with a smile,
I knew what I
was looking for
while searching more
through mind and time
to find the thing
once loved the most—
and it was books.


version 1

In Front of Me

The while I looked
among the books,
I fingered spines
and cocked my head
and lingered where
sat ones once read.
I tarried here,
I tarried there,
but ended up
within my head
to choose instead
to give a look
to time now gone,
and think then of
what most I loved
when I was young:
a baseball game,
a faithful friend,
some famous name,
a cool night breeze,
or girl to tease.
I thought a while.
Then, with a smile,
I knew what I
was looking for
while searching more
through mind and time
to find the thing
once loved the most—
and it was books.

Why was it books? I can relate to your speaker in preferring books even to other things he loves, but what's missing for me is what, exactly, about books pulls him back even when his thoughts are elsewhere. They just do?! I want more...

I'll leave it to others to examine your dimeter and rhymes. The poem reads fine for me.

A few things along the way though:

There are places here where your diction and syntax read as archaic to me, and they could be easily altered for a crisper, more contemporary effect: the while, ones once read, tarried, etc.

Some famous name seems needlessly vague to me. Athlete? Musician? Actor? Scientist? Supreme Court Justice? Why not say to enrich characterization of speaker?

A girl to tease would sound more natural to me than or girl. More significantly, the narrator's apparent syntactical suggestion that his fellow human being exists to him only so he can tease her and is about as significant to him as the breeze (in contrast to the male? faithful friend), well, maybe I'm being the PC police again, but it makes me like him a little less.

Anyway, I hope there's something here of use or interest.

Cheers, --Simon

Hi Simon,

Thanks for your take on this. I've changed some words to mimic what I think may be closer to current diction, doing so with doubts that there's one short list of words that people commonly use in conversation and no others. For instance, because Eminem or Snoop Dog would not say, tarry, or piddle, or dawdle, I would not feel too remorseful if I did, or feel guilty either of being condescending. From what I read in much modern poetry, the whole idea of poets using conversational language is more a dictum that academics quote rather than an art they actually practice. I'll admit, of course, that words fall out of use. But if my dictionary does not identify them as archaic, I think it's a judgement call as to when to say their time has come.

Jim

Jim--I'm in broad agreement with your last post, although I think Snoop and Eminem have some good ones. All best, --Simon

P.S. It's not an authority that means anything to me--in fact it irks me regularly--but the autocorrect on my phone tried three times to replace "tarried" before it finally believed me...

Hi Simon,

I once read a music review that called Eminem the greatest wordsmith of our time (quite a few years ago now.). Snoop Dog is becoming the face of the National Football League. In addition to that I think they write more interesting stuff than most of the most highly rated lit mags publish. I go to sleep trying to read The Missouri Review, The Georgia Review, et al.
That said, of the rappers, I like Harry Mack, just for his immense talent in improvising. Check him out on YouTube. He is extraordinary.

I've posted a new version of this poem that so far only you out of some sense of charity have shown interest in. I've tried to respond to some more of your advice and have changed the line structure so that it reads more easily given that the pauses built in before may not have been warranted by the light treatment I give the subject. I'm not trying to prompt another response from you so please don't respond again unless you feel compelled to do so. Thanks for sharing your ideas. Much appreciated.

Jim

I always like using dashes to emphasize importance, and the last line especially is a strong place to use it. I think the poem flows better with the division into stanzas. I also like the internal rhymes in the 3rd stanza.TO me the narrator is at a crossroads and he is trying to find his inner child/thing that is dearest to him for guidance and he remembers it is books in the end, the things most important to us are “in front” of us the entire time.

Hi Harry,

Thanks for commenting and welcome to the site. I especially appreciate your feedback on the shift to stanzas since that was a major change and no other feedback has been forthcoming since the change. Your reading of the poem is spot on. I worry a little that my message is so on the nose and so common with poets that it does not draw much interest here. But it is meaningful to me. I used to read approximately one book a day for years growing up. Then later when an adult I began sounding out the words in my head when I would read, exploring stylings and nuances more. My reading slowed down but my appreciation for the craft of writing greatly benefitted At one point though I developed an undiagnosed sinus infection as well as undiagnosed hypertension and for years reading made me sleepy and dizzy. This poem is a celebration of that moment when I regained my ability to read freely again.

Jim

Hi Jim,
version 3 feels perilously close to done.
Not sure about the climb/sublime rhyme (had me looking for others which distracted unnecessarily.)
Perhaps 'still' instead of 'then (S2/L2)?
Do you really need S3? The examples aren't that interesting (in that they feel quite generic) and leaving a void might offer the reader a space to fill in for themselves.

RG.

Hi Jim. I think is a very winning hymn to the Books. Your love of them is very apparent here.

The only real thing I'd say against it is that the fifth line in the first verse reads a bit awkwardly to me - I think it's the "where were ones once" that sounds a bit off.

Otherwise, lovely.

Cheers

David

I absolutely love version 3 Jim.

It resonates no nits from me just praise.

Jan

Hey All,

I have been in the hospital for a couple days and did not realize this had gotten new comments....

Hi Richard,

Thanks for the reassurance that I've improved the piece. As always, I will give your suggestions a mulling, and probably, as usual, I will eventually either use them as given or let them prod me toward changes. In regard to eliminating the stanza you mention: I know the examples of things loved by me as a child seem bland, and of course there were many other things I was attracted to besides those, but I was pretty much a poor shy kid with little life experience and the dull sounding things mentioned are accurately if not entertainingly described. I'll ponder ways of making that stanza more resonant while staying authentic.

Hi David,

Thanks for the comment and the encouragement. Simon convinced me to straighten up some of my syntax but I resisted somewhat in keeping the awkward "where were ones once..." that you cite as a bumpy spot. I'll give it a look.

Hi Jan,

Thanks much for the comment. I'm very glad you liked the new version. I will try not to change it much if I do make changes, because I would hate to change your impression of it. Simon pushed me toward showing why books were important to me which I try to do now in the newer opening lines. Your comment further convinces me of the value of his advice,

Hi Jim,
Version 3 is lovely, but I do find "where were ones once read" a bit of a tongue-twister!

Could "what most I loved when I was young" be "what I loved most when I was young"? It's more like natural speech than the inversion.

Aside from two small niggles I really like the sheer joy that the N demonstrates over his love of books (that's how I feel, too!).

Jayne

Hi Jayne,

Thanks for the nits and the "lovely" comment. I have just posted a version 4 which tries to change S1L4 and S2L4 to a more standard syntax. I said recently on the sphere that I am still fond of the type of syntax that makes for a memorable quote, even if it seems tortuous to most modern readers. Maybe someday I'll be smart enough to move past my stubbornness. I have never wanted to grow into someone stuck in the past, so thanks for another gentle nudge toward currentness.

Jim

Hi Jim,

The revisions are great. I've just noticed a couple more tiny nits in S2:

In L2 you have but journeyed then... and in L4 and think then of... To my ear, the syntax should be the same, as in: "and then think of"... although it might be even better to lose the 2nd "then", perhaps something like:

to time now gone, and recollect
the thing I loved the most when young:

And maybe pluralise L5: "the things I loved the most when young", as S3 follows with a long list of what the N loves.

I hope it helps.

Jayne

Hi Jim,
hope your well, or well-er.

I know the examples of things loved by me as a child seem bland
It's not that they're bland (well, okay, it is) but that they aren't specific enough. Lots of people love a baseball game, but what do you love about it? What was it about the game that grabbed you 'when young'? Also, what distinguishes "some famous name, a hero praised, a football great, a movie star," from each other?

RG

Hi Jayne,

Thanks for coming back with more ideas. I changed "thing" to "things." I think either could work though creating slight differences to the thoughts presented, but I'll go with "things" because it reads better grammatically.

Now, about your other suggestion for changes to S2 which reads:

And, here, I browsed, and, there, I paused,
but journeyed then within my head
to choose instead to give a look
to time now gone, and think then of
what thing I loved the most when young:

You seem to be saying that the use of "then" is not syntactically parallel but it looks to me like it is. The verb tense change between "journeyed" and "think" is all that I see as a difference. I do see that "then" is accented in one instance and is unaccented in the other. And of course there's the double use of "then" that you suggest could be avoided. The real issue for me is we've run up against one of my darlings and that is the play between the "of" enjambing toward the following line's "loved." I'll have to keep thinking whether I want to make a change.

Hi Richard,

Thanks for staying with this. I think I agree with you, but I'm waiting for more inspiration. And thanks for the well-er wish. I'm doing great.

Hi Jim,


It's me again, I came across this poem and found it relatable for my love of books, which is something I think many members of this forum can relate to as well.

I specifically focused on the fourth version, but I agree with Simon on the fact that there could maybe be more reasoning for why you prefer reading above other more youthful forms of activities, or at least those which you enjoyed in youth.

And also, although this could be a stretch, aren't some of the activities you mentioned potentially part of the pleasure of reading, for example, the "famous names" could be perfectly explored in Biographies or even collections of one's poetical works, and "a girl to please" could also maybe be explored via literature in the more moderate passages of De Sade? Some "distant hill" could be explored in the countless 'Excursion Poems' of Wordsworth, in his sylvan sites described, or in 'Alastor' from Shelley. For 'Football' that becomes a bit tricky so I'll have to give you that, it cant be related to literature! A cool night breeze, "Alla Sera" di Foscolo? A dollar bill and a Movie Star? Nah, those can't be related either. A 'Hero Praised', read the poem of D'Annunzio, Laus Vitae.

Maybe you could have found more 'anti - literary' activities of your youth to further contrast the joy of reading to those. For me, due to my young age, I would have maybe used the example of 'gaming', which is something I still sometimes do as a vice.

I don't know, maybe I'm rambling without sense, but I think that some of the felicities you contrast with books could themselves be part of a book.

Again, this is just my opinion and interpretation, so take it as you will. Nevertheless the rhythm is stable and continuous, and the meaning itself is witty. A nice poem to read!

Congrats!

P.S By the above I don't mean you should change the poem, I think it good the way it is. Maybe what I said could just be more of my touch to it??