Mug Shots
 

Revision to S3: Changes in blue

They say the camera never lies.
It F-ing does! It’s no surprise,
my passport photo’s ghastly.
That face, which I don’t recognise,
is scary; am I in disguise?
My photos vary, vastly;
I had about a dozen tries
to take one that would show my eyes
were open. Got one …lastly!

The trouble is, I look a fright;
you’d think that I’d been up all night.
My photos were rejected,
except the last one – that’s all right,
apparently. (I think it’s shite,
not one I’d have selected.)
The photo’s background must be white,
and as my blonde hair’s very light,
no wonder I’m dejected.

Also, you’re not allowed to smile.
Passport photos are always vile,
…but they have to last for years.
Why can't the rules be versatile?
“They” would say, Don't be juvenile.
My words would fall on deaf ears –
yet we could all protest! Meanwhile,
let photos demonstrate our style,
which would bring on grins – not tears!

Original:

They say the camera never lies.
It F-ing does! It’s no surprise,
my passport photo’s ghastly.
That face, which I don’t recognise,
is scary; am I in disguise?
My photos vary, vastly;
I had about a dozen tries
to take one that would show my eyes
were open. Got one …lastly!

The trouble is, I look a fright;
you’d think that I’d been up all night.
My photos were rejected,
except the last one – that’s all right,
apparently. (I think it’s shite,
not one I’d have selected.)
The photo’s background must be white,
and as my blonde hair’s very light,
no wonder I’m dejected.

Also, you’re not allowed to smile.
Passport photos are always vile,
…but they have to last for years!
Why must the rules be so hostile?
“They” would say, Oh, she’s too fragile.
My thoughts would fall on deaf ears.
But must these musings be futile?
Let’s allow photos with some style
that would bring on grins – not tears!

Lots of fun, Jayne!

A suggestion:

My thoughts would fall on deaf ears.
But must these musings be futile?
(instead of "because these musings are futile")
Let’s allow photos with some style
that would bring on grins – not tears!

Duncan

Good thinking. Thanks, Duncan.
I've made that change; it goes better with the last two lines.

Jayne

Great stuff Jayne

I have been going through the same procedure and keep getting rejected by the Govt online arbiter of beauty. I have white hair, white beard, anaemic skin and grey eyes. The only feature visible are the ploughed furrows of my forehead. I have no idea who this grizzly old ghost could be.

Hey ho

Joe

I like it and I identify with it. My sister Mary and I were recently comparing our passport photos to see who looked worse in them. My one problem is with the meter in the last stanza. Americans and Brits pronounce "hostile," "fragile," and "futile" differently, but all of them put the stress on the first syllable, not the second, so the lines that end with those words feel one beat short and the rhyme feels wrenched. I don't have a good suggestion for changes, given your very demanding rhyme scheme, but I thought I'd mention it.

Susan

Hi Joe,

Oh, your post had me in stitches! Thanks for giving me a really good laugh! :D When you have white or very fair hair, like us, it's hard to tell where the hair ends and the background begins, which "they" don't make any allowance for.

Susan,
You made me smile, too, comparing photos with Mary for awfulness! The fact that you're both lovely cuts no ice when it comes to passport photos. :rolleyes:

Yes, I realised (there we go again, not "realized") that some of the -ile rhymes wouldn't work for those of you in the States. You pronounce "missile" to rhyme with "thistle", whereas for us it rhymes with "mile", so
I can sort of understand the US pronunciation of "fragile" and "futile", but not "hostile", when "hostel" is something different altogether. I'm also a bit puzzled why the British pronunciation is one beat shorter, when both ways are two syllables. We also put the stress on the first syllable.

I can't change "smile", "vile" and "style" so people will just have to read it Brit-fashion. ;)

Jayne

Hi Jayne - Interesting concept, I like the humor. I like the use of parenthesis to have a sort of inner monologue and fits the stream of consciousness style of the poem. I also think choosing this poem to have a rhyme scheme adds to the humour element. I don’ think I would change anything. Nice work.

Hi, Jayne, because you have a few anapests in your poem, there is a chance that the wrenched-rhyme lines will be read something like this:

Why MUST the RULES be so HOStile?
“THEY” would say, OH, she’s too FRAGile.
But MUST these MUSings be FUtile?

It may not be true in the UK, but in the US there is no chance that the second syllable of those -ile words could carry the beat. Especially when the other words are one-syllable, it can be hard to figure out what to stress in the lines. I don't think you have to worry too much about how Americans would read the lines, since you would probably be publishing in the UK. But I don't know how much the stress patterns would be a problem there.

Susan

Hi Harry,

First of all, a big welcome to Eratosphere! (Or just "the Sphere", as we tend to call it.)

I'm glad you like the poem. I mostly write light verse like this, in a conversational kind of way, so it really is just a stream of consciousness.

I was gutted yesterday (well, "gutted" is probably being a bit of a drama queen) at the awful photo I had to submit to the passport office, and my husband looked like a miserable old git. Oh, wait a minute - he is a miserable old git. :D

Jayne

Susan,
I don't think the stresses are too much of a problem, especially as it's light verse. All of the rhymes vary in their number of syllables, from one to three, and I'm heartened that Harry was OK with it, as he's American.

By the time we all finally get through Customs and Passport Control we're all looking pretty miserable - so at least our awful photos make us readily identifiable!

Jayne

I had the same troubles as Susan with FRA-gile, FU-tile, etc. For me, light verse brings stricter rhyme expectations — I like to hear all the rhymes click firmly into place in a funny poem, so that they don't draw attention from the other surprises.

I can feel your pain with the scenario. With one of my driver's license photos, the clerk actually SMIRKED when he looked at it, as if pleased that he'd saddled me with a particularly unflattering photo for the next ten years.

Hi Jayne

You probably could find "ile" rhymes that better fitted formal stress expectations. But only if you really wanted to. I had a quick play and came up with this

And, worse, you’re not allowed to smile.
Passport pics are always vile,
…but they have to last for years!
How dare you say I’m juvenile!
Why not make rules more versatile?
My thoughts may fall upon deaf ears
but listen to the rank and file!
Let photos show us with some style
It doesn’t need to end in tears.

FWIW :)

Joe

I feel your pain, too, Julie: ten years is a long time to be stuck with a horrible, unsmiling photo that you're forced to show to others.

I don't fully agree with you on "For me, light verse brings stricter rhyme expectations — I like to hear all the rhymes click firmly into place in a funny poem".

I particularly remember a very funny (and rather racy) poem from years ago, by someone I'm now out of touch with, which rhymed "gal" with "hospital", but he deliberately wrote it, and recited it, so that it came out as "hospit-AL", and everybody laughed at that point, which was the intention, of course - so I think there's a place for sometimes putting the em-PHAR-sis on the wrong syll-AR-ble, if it's for comic effect.

Having said that, though, I don't put that much emphasis on FU-tile and FRA-gile, so it depends how you read it, I suppose. The meter is established by then, so it's not too difficult to make it sound like the other stanzas.

I do take Susan's and your point, however, and thank you both for your thoughts, which I really appreciate.

Jayne

Joe. We cross-posted. Hey, your ideas are great! Many thanks. I'll have another look tomorrow, as it's midnight.

Susan and Julie,
"Hostile", "fragile" and "futile" have now all gone! I was resigned to the fact that I couldn't change those words, but thanks to Joe's helpful suggestions I've revised the last stanza and it now does away with the problem of British v American pronunciation of those awkward words.

Joe,
Huge thanks again for your great suggestions. I've used "versatile" and "juvenile", and changed a few other bits in the last stanza too.

I hope you all like the revision.

Jayne

Hello, Jayne,

This is delightful and very relatable! You've successfully captured the humorous frustration of dealing with the dreaded passport photo—enjoyable and relatable.

Your revision is indeed very effective and improves upon the original significantly. Especially, I do share the reservations expressed by some others about meter and rhyme in the original. But you’ve also improved on those aspects with the revision.

Good luck with this, Jayne!

Cheers,
...Alex

Hi Alex,

Thank you. I'm glad you like the revisions - and I'm glad I was nudged into making them! :)

Jayne

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Interesting, light take on a deadly serious subject (Ha!). If you were to add anything more, it would surely be to mention the further humiliation given when the person who is checking your photo against you standing right in front of them immediately sees the resemblance!

If I were writing this poem it would be full of angst, but your take is the better take: light. The rhyme scheme is rather sing-songy, which is borderline cringy to my ear. But then again, so are official passport photos! Your unabashed humor is disarming and the lightness is somehow philosophic in the end.

For some reason my ear wants to hear the word "guile" in the last line of the poem. I was thinking something like:

..............................Meanwhile,
let photos demonstrate our style;
let our guile bring on grins – not tears!

with the metrics worked out.


There is a deeper, onion-like poem to be had from this conceit of the photo not matching the image we want ourselves to project. (I've always been puzzled by the story of Narcissus. I can't tell if it is more narcissistic to always be unhappy with your reflection or vice versa. I can't imagine falling in love with the reflection of myself in the water. Look away!)

Is "Mug Shots" the title? If so, there may be a better title to be had...

Your poems most often have no filter. I mean that in the best possible way. No pretense, no artifice. Just you being you. I want to be more like that.
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Hello Jayne,

Reading the revision, it feels like the poem's rhyme and meter, line and sense making begins to strain significantly in the final stanza, but the effect is effective in signifying the increasing exasperation so I am cool with it! Yeah.

Jim,
The dreaded new passports arrived five minutes ago, now duly signed and put in a drawer until, as you rightly say, we have to suffer the indignity of being instantly recognised from a dreadful photo!

"Guile" would be a good word to choose (I hadn't thought of that one) if the poem were to be any longer, but I only want the -ile rhymes at line ends, rather than internally as well.

I'm usually hopeless at thinking of titles, but I was actually very pleased when I came up with Mug Shots, the definition of which is a photographic portrait of a person from the shoulders up, typically taken after a person is placed under arrest. It amused me because the unsmiling, unflattering passport photo so often makes people look like a criminal. :D

As for "No pretense, no artifice. Just you being you," it's the way I've always written, and the only way I know how. I like the accessibility of everyday speech, whereas some poetry leaves me totally befuddled as to its meaning, which spoils the enjoyment for me. Call me lazy, if you like, but I really can't be bothered trying to figure out unintelligible writing if I don't understand what a poem is about!

Thanks again, Jim. Your thoughts are much appreciated.

Yves,
Ha! Yes, the exasperation is the thing, isn't it? The taking of umpteen photos and deleting them each time, only to have the one you send off rejected because "It looks as if your eyes are closed." That's what happened, and I thought it was rubbish about my eyes - so the one they accepted has me looking like I've seen a ghost! :rolleyes:

Thanks for being cool with the poem. It's intended to be a cross between making light of the issue and being genuinely frustrated by it.

Jayne

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I think you're right. I over-thought it and came to the erroneous conclusion that it was too much of an association with "criminal" — which I now come to realize that the unflattering photos are criminal!

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