real estate
 

Open House

We called it “house hunting,” as if prepared
to take down houses with a rifle, though
we were surprised by that one tenant who
grizzled the foyer, leaning on his sword.

He didn’t want to leave: that was apparent.
He’d spent a plague there, and some dusty war
the name of which nobody could remember.
The realtor turned to us, said, “Just a moment,”

so we strayed alone into the house
down halls that warped and ambered, crept beyond
the wails of sheeted furniture. We found
ourselves excluded from the surfaces –

elaborate, thick with thought – of dresser drawers
and doorknobs where our likeness should have been.
Even the spoons rejected us. And when
we met the realtor again, of course

we lost no time in making our way back
to the front yard, where we took pictures, posed
with trophies (mailbox, curtains). Though we praised
the house’s mute exterior, it shook

us secretly to think of that old man
somewhere inside it, touching furniture,
shaving in mirrors – unimpressed, aware
how little our appearance there must mean.

Hello, Hilary,

This reads really well—rich with detail and nicely paced. The blank verse flows smoothly with its loose iambs, and I especially enjoyed the subtle off-rhymes, which contribute to the dreamlike, slightly surreal tone of the piece.

On the meter: the line “elaborate, thick with thought – of dresser drawers” is the only one that gave me pause rhythmically. You might consider swapping “elaborate” with a metrically cleaner three-syllable synonym like “intricate” or “overwrought,” which could help the rhythm land more naturally.

Also, “shaving in mirrors” struck me as slightly off idiomatically—perhaps “by mirrors” would feel more grounded and conventional, unless “in” is meant to heighten the strangeness, in which case, carry on!

Just a few thoughts—but overall, this is an absorbing and deftly crafted piece. Thanks for the read and the eerie tour, Hilary!

Cheers,
…Alex

Thank you, Alex, it's good to know that this is reading well to you overall.

I guess I tend to say "elab'rate" rather than "elaborate" - unless I am using it as a verb. The way I pronounce it, it fits the meter, but maybe my pronunciation is unusual? I'll look at other possibilities for that word.

Yes, I do want the strangeness of "in mirrors".

Thanks for your thoughtful comments, as always.

Savagely wonderful. I think its length is not quite justified by its final note: and would like to see it a little compressed, like a coiled spring. One of the best things, though, I've seen around here in a while. I always admired your work when I see it. I hope it only improves.
With homage:
Hope this helps.

Overall, quite good, though I didn't quite "get" the ending. The man is "aware" how little our presence meant? But why would that be? It would presumably mean a lot to him if he is being evicted.

Two copyedit things: (a) did you mean "wales" rather than "wails"? (b) did you mean "ambled" instead of "ambered"?

Hi Hilary,

Just giving a quick take on this while agreeing with other crits that this is good but that the ending maybe could be improved. I also wanted to say that I can't decide whether the line with "warped and ambered" is genius or awkward. Should there be a comma after "that" to show they are adjectives, or are they creatively used verbs that are strangely intransitive? I liked the line when I first read it thinking of them as verbs but then my brain started wanting a comma after "that" to make them adjectives. Am I making sense? I'm not sure. My brain is getting in my way....

Jim

Hilary, I am assuming that the man, whom I took at first to be alive, is actually dead, but that his presence is haunting the place by means of his possessions, which are still there. It is an eerie vision, and I like the way that you misled me at first. I had not trouble with "wails" or with "warped and ambered." I take all of that as metaphorical or slightly exaggerated for effect.

Susan

This is full of mystery and it makes me want to understand.

Some of the mysteries invite me to ponder: Who is that grizzled man? What's his connection to the house? To the house hunters?

Others make me feel rejected, like the house hunters by the spoons: Why should their likenesses have been on the doorknobs? Why, after viewing the house, do they treat it like a successful safari, taking pictures of their trophies?

FWIW.

Another good one, Hilary—one that I keep returning to, partly because I think it’s terrific, and partly because I’m still working it out, I think. I’m especially fond of “He didn’t want to leave: that was apparent” and “We found / ourselves excluded from the surfaces—” Really fine. It seems apparent “that one tenant” is a ghost (with the sword/dusty war/plague etc). And, yes, I think you need to keep “in” mirrors.

As of now, my understanding is that they’re all ghosts (“where our likeness should have been,”etc), though I’m not certain about the realtor… I would assume so… Anyway, that a couple of other ghosts are shopping for somewhere to haunt, call home, is interesting to me, intended or not. Makes you wonder why they didn’t have their own home. And, imo, it does nice things for that closing line. God knows I’ve been wrong before, and if I’m off about this, it wouldn’t take all that much away from my enjoyment of the poem.

The only thing that confused me was the trophies part, but maybe I'm just being thick. Very fine, intriguing work.

Thank you to everyone who has commented so far.

Cameron, I’m not sure at the moment how I might compress the poem without losing something that I (perhaps erroneously) think I need, but I will make a note of your suggestion and come back to it in a bit with fresher eyes. I’m very happy that you think it’s good.

Roger, I did mean “wails” and “ambered.”

Jim, both words are being used here as verbs, which I know is odd, but I’m hopeful I can get away with it?

Susan, thanks for letting me know that you successfully navigated my stranger vocabulary choices. Whether the tenant is alive or dead is up for debate.

Max, I appreciate your comment and it’s helpful to know where you are having some difficulty.

James, I had not intended for the house hunters to be ghosts, but it’s an interesting possible reading. Even if they aren’t literally ghosts, I would say that they are in some important sense less real and substantial than the tenant.

Thanks again!

D'oh! I did not even notice the subtle off-rhymes until Alex pointed them out. Paying due attention to them has greatly added to my enjoyment of the poem.

"Even the spoons rejected us" is an intriguing line, and tallies with James's possible interpretation of the house hunters.

Overall, I think it's very good. It drew me in (on my third reading).

Cheers

David