Mayflies
 

Version 2
Mayflies

Like fashion models, they flash their gauzy wings,
unable to eat. They flirt and mate and fly,
enjoy an hour of hedonistic flings,
then, starved and spent, emptied of eggs, they die.

The years they’d spent as nymphs, crawling in slime
purchase brief minutes of joyful, glorious time.
————————-
Edits:
L1: Like fashion models, flashing gauzy wings, > Like fashion models, they flash their gauzy wings,
L2: Unable to eat, they flirt and mate and fly, > unable to eat. They flirt and mate and fly,
L5: . . .they spend. . .> . . .they’d spent. . .


Version 1
Mayflies

Their eggs are scattered on the crystal stream,
dropping through swirling currents into ooze.
Avoiding trout and frog, the blind nymphs teem,
spending years concealed in Stygian stews.

Eventually they find their final shape,
emerging in clouds and taking to the air,
seeking the sun’s bright warmth. They must escape
the birds and bats to climb an invisible stair.

Like fashion models, flashing gauzy wings,
unable to eat, they flirt and mate and fly,
embrace an hour of hedonistic flings,
then, starved and spent, emptied of eggs, they die.

What long and difficult suffering they endure
for a moment of doomed glory, painful and pure.

Glenn, any poem titled "Mayflies" will invite comparisons and contrasts with former U.S. Poet Laureate and Pulitzer Prize-winner Richard Wilbur's "Mayflies," since that was the title poem of one of his collections. (For the text of the poem, expand the section below the video and above the comments, here.)

Totally unfair, of course. Any poet ought to be able to write about any topic. But when somebody famous has got to your topic first, the bar gets higher.

Interesting that your take seems to come to the opposite conclusion that Wilbur's did, regarding religious underpinnings. (That's not a criticism, just an observation.)

Overall, I felt that your version had a bit too much natural history and not enough poetry. I needed more surprises than a crystal spring and the sun's bright warmth could offer. Sorry. I did like the bit about fashion models and mayflies who are "unable to eat."

Deleted Comment

Hi Glenn,

Like Julie, I'd like a bit more surprise, and less by the way of predictable imagery. In that respect, like Julie, I also liked the fashion models simile.

A few specific comments:

Avoiding trout and frog, the blind nymphs teem,

This naturally had me wondering which senses they used to avoid trout and frogs if they're blind. So, I googled. Turns out they have eyes and they use them. So probably another adjective here?

Also, I'd go with the plural for their predators, as in "trout and frogs".

spending years concealed in Stygian stews

"Stygian stews" just isn't working for me here. I can't helping seeing a steaming pot of stew. Could just be me though. Also why the plural? Are they concealed in several different Stygian stews?

the birds and bats to climb an invisible stair.

Here I think of an a mime artist climbing an invisible stair, and the image doesn't really suggest to me to the movement of a swarm of mayflies -- do they look to you like they're ascending stairs? Have you borrowed the rhyme and metaphor from Katharine Tynan's (19th century?) poem Larks: "All day in exquisite air / The song clomb an invisible stair"? I'm thinking you can do better here.

Like fashion models, flashing gauzy wings,
unable to eat, they flirt and mate and fly,

I guess while fashion models aren't literally unable to eat, "unable" can have the sense of "not allowed to". Still, I wondered if "eschewing food" might work, if only for the sounds.

What long and difficult suffering they endure
for a moment of doomed glory, painful and pure.

Why is the moment of doomed glory painful? Flirting, mating and flying sounds like they're having a great time.

best,

Matt

Hi, Julie and Matt—

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on my poem. They were very helpful and prompted me to make some changes.

Julie—I was familiar with Wilbur’s poem, but decided that mine went in such a different direction that it would be less likely to invite comparison. I suppose I could choose a different title, but I can’t think of another one that seems apt. I think your comment about too much natural history and not enough poetry was very wise. The simile comparing mayflies and fashion models was the original nucleus of the poem, so I kept that and built a shorter, hopefully punchier poem around it.

Matt—Most of the problems you identified were resolved by cutting the first two stanzas. I had assumed that the nymphs were “blind” because they live in mud, and “Stygian stews” was overwritten and rhyme-driven. (Busted!). I did rather like the “invisible stair” until you pointed out Tynan’s use of it. (How did you manage to dredge that one up?)

I appreciate your thoughtful and generous critiques, both.

Glenn

A minority view, perhaps, but I don't like the "fashion models" metaphor. I don't see what mayflies have in common with fashion models, and the qualities you assign to the mayflies that are said to resemble fashion models don't ring true for me in any way. I don't think of fashion models as unable to eat, nor do I think that fashion models tend to flirt, mate, starve, lose their eggs, and die more than the rest of us. (And remember, "fashion models" are not just anorectic women. Many are men or children).

If you're in the mood to make this even shorter, I'd go with just the final two lines of the revision.

Hi, Roger—

Thanks for weighing in. It’s useful to know how the poem lands with different readers.
In my own experience, asked to freely associate from “fashion model,” my first response would be “anorexia.” That may be unfair, but I don’t think I’m alone, or that the fashion industry does not promote unrealistic body images.

Glenn

Does your image of fashion models also include brief mating and hedonistic flings followed by egg depletion and death?

Hi, Roger—

Point taken. I suppose I had in mind the “heroin chic” models exemplified by the tragic Gia Carangi, fairly or unfairly. Certainly not all fashion models choose risky lifestyles. Many actively promote healthy lifestyles. The direct comparison between mayflies and fashion models is first, the conspicuous display of delicate iridescent wings and the strutting display of fabric; second, the limitations both suffer regarding ingesting food.

I suppose I could change the first line to something like the following:
Like Gia Carangi, flashing gauzy wings,

Instead, I adjusted the first two lines to put the two points of similarity in one sentence.
The flirting, mating, flying, hedonistic flings, egg depletion, and ultimate death are in the predicate of a separate sentence which makes it clearer that the subject of that sentence is the mayflies.

Thanks for the helpful comments.

Glenn

Hi Glenn,

It's definitely more arresting starting with the old 3rd stanza, but then you do lose the description of the suffering.

I wonder if a single first stanza describing that suffering might be worth trying. Maybe (or on second thoughts, maybe not!) even drawing on a different simile drawn from the human world. "Like office/factory drudges", say. No doubt there's something better than that ... Maybe you could use a slime/grime rhyme, even.

I also wonder if, when you've described the long difficult years of suffering and the brief glorious hour of joy, you'd even need final couplet contrasting the two. Perhaps the reader could be left to draw the conclusion themselves?

Like fashion models, flashing gauzy wings,
unable to eat, they flirt and mate and fly,
embrace an hour of hedonistic flings,
then, starved and spent, emptied of eggs, they die.

Personally, I'm happy that mayflies are like fashion models only insofar as they don't eat and have gauzy wings. I don't think "fashion model" has to apply to the rest of the sentence. They do the rest of those things in they style of fashion models -- or while resembling fashion models -- but this sense is lost when you split the stanza into two sentences. Hence I prefer the one-sentence version.

However, "unable to eat" still bugs (sic) me, since fashion models are able to eat and do. Hence my suggestion that you replace that with "eschewing food". Besides making the simile sound inaccurate (to me), "unable to eat" seems a little too dull and functional, especially after "flashing gauzy wings. I guess, "and fasting hard" might work and would give you another 'f' sound. Another option might be "living on air" for some wordplay.

best,

Matt

Hi, Matt—

I think “years . . . as nymphs, crawling in slime” adequately evokes the suffering. The point of the piece is the brevity of the time of happiness purchased by the years of misery. It’s a simple idea not deserving more than about six lines.

Roger pointed out, appropriately, the unfairness of the stereotype of fashion model as irresponsible hedonist. The two-sentence solution does not completely remove this innuendo, but it does, I think, make the simile clearer.

“Eschewing” has an antiquated feeling and “fasting” has religious overtones, both of which I would prefer to avoid (although the additional /f/ in “fasting” is tempting).

Thanks for continuing to provide helpful suggestions.

Glenn

Glenn, I like the shorter version better. It skips the plodding detail and gets to the point. In your last line, I might suggest something like "bright and joyful time" in place of "joyful, glorious time" because your two adjectives overlap too much. Also, crawling in slime is presumably darker than flying through the air.

Susan

Hi Glenn, I just think "hedonism" is wrong in this context. I think of it as something far more stressful, far more driven than that. And I agree with Roger that the comparison with fashion models - while a clever one - doesn't feel right for either party.

Just chucking that into the mix for you.

Cheers

David

I just read up on mayflies, which leads to a few questions.

First of all, I think they are called "mayflies" even when they are nymphs, so perhaps the title should be something more like "adult mayflies" or "imagos." It's only the adult mayflies that don't eat. During the years they are nymphs, they eat enough to be plus-sized models. And there's an intermediate stage, the subimago stage, when they also enjoy fine dining, although the poem seems to suggest they go right from imago to adult.

I'm still finding the comparison with fashion models to be unhelpful, as well as inaccurately suggesting that the adult mayflies are all female (since male models do not evoke the stereotype of anorexia). I would like the poem a lot more if you omitted the first sentence and started with "They flirt..." This would remove a rhyme and clip the meter of L1, but there's no rule that says the poem absolutely needs to be metrical just because you posted it in a metrical forum. I think it would work well if you cut the first sentence.

(BTW, even though you started a new sentence, for me it still reads as if you are expanding on the fashion model metaphor in the second sentence and not simply leaving it behind and launching a new and unrelated description).

Hi, Susan, David, and Roger—

Thanks, all, for sharing your thoughts on my poem.

Susan—I’m glad you like the revision. The mayfly’s brief “joyful, glorious time” contrasts with the long years as a nymph living in mud, which were unhappy and inglorious. I wanted to suggest the high price paid for the short, glorious turn in the air. “Bright and joyful time” emphasizes the contrast between dark and light that is already implied.

David—I think hedonists can be some of the most driven people. In their quest for pleasure, they often push themselves beyond normal human limits into early graves.

Roger—I’m open to an alternative title, if only to avoid the inevitable comparison to Wilbur’s poem of the same name that Julie mentioned. There are some regional nicknames for this insect, but I think “Canadian Soldiers” would be a very misleading title. Rather than suggesting that all mayflies are female, I am suggesting that all mayflies have two specific characteristics in common with some female fashion models: ostentatious finery and anorexia.

Glenn

Hi, Glenn!

Since the term "nymphomaniac" means "a female who has excessive desire for sexual activity," there might be some confusion about the use of the present tense to describe "the years they spend as nymphs" right after you've mentioned the hedonism. Perhaps use the past pluperfect to indicate that you're going back in time at that point?

Hi, Julie—

Good idea to use pluperfect in L5. It’s more precise in identifying the time, too. Thanks.

Glenn

"Rather than suggesting that all mayflies are female, I am suggesting that all mayflies have two specific characteristics in common with some female fashion models: ostentatious finery and anorexia."

But as I noted, they only stop eating in the very brief and final stage of their development (when they don't even have a mouth to eat with), after years of eating just fine. Unless you clarify that, the poem flirts with inaccuracy.

We'll have to disagree about whether comparing them to gauzy and anorectic fashion models is as suitable for the male mayflies as it is for the female, though in either event I still don't see how likening mayflies to fashion models produces any metaphorical or poetic resonance.

In this briefer draft, beginning with an explicit comparison to fashion models and continuing with details that feel tangentially linked to them, I want to read fashion models as the poem's true subject; the poem feels like it wants to say something about fashion models and says it by comparing them to mayflies. (I'm not sure what it wants to say, and the earlier draft, also, suggests that this is a misreading.)

That they can't eat is offered as one of the important things about fashion models strikes me as a joke--one that sympathizes with the models.

FWIW.

Hi, Roger and Max—

Roger—I suppose I could change “crawling” in L5 to “feeding.” I’ll give it some more thought. I really don’t feel the problem that you identified. Of course they feed as nymphs. The stanza break between L4 and L5 underscores the metamorphosis that gives imagos the power of flight but robs them of the ability to feed.

Max—I didn’t really intend the poem to be a discussion of fashion models. Rather, I wanted to suggest that the moments in our lives that are filled with excitement, glamor, and glory (for which I use fashion models as a vehicle) are fleeting, purchased with long years of suffering, and impermanent. It’s a sic transit gloria poem.

Thanks, gentlemen, for sharing your responses. They are very helpful.

Glenn

Hi Glenn,


Just a couple thoughts on version 2--

1. It seems to me the poem, as an extended metaphor, is weakened by beginning with "like." How could you enter the poem within the metaphor rather than using a simile?

Unless you intend for the poem to NOT be an extended metaphor, in which case I would say it still needs to go somewhere, not stay, still, on mere description.

I just read your recent comments that you did not intend an extended metaphor on the models, in which case I would suggest that the poem is in need of another metaphor, story, or character to attach to. Or perhaps, a clever title. As is, I do not get your stated intention from the poem:

"I wanted to suggest that the moments in our lives that are filled with excitement, glamor, and glory (for which I use fashion models as a vehicle) are fleeting, purchased with long years of suffering, and impermanent."

2. "joyful, glorious" seems to me to be too many adjectives and also weak/vague ones, especially for a final line.


Looking forward to seeing where this goes.
I'm not at all fond of mayflies. It would be interesting if you could make me feel any empathy for them.


Take care,
Chelsea

Glenn, I wonder if this would work better for me if the poem were actually about fashion models or ballerinas or aspiring actors or whatever being compared to mayflies, instead of the other way around.

The years of being a nymph actually sound pretty good from the perspective of the mayfly—plenty to eat, nice comfortable slime, no sexual desperation. I don't see any suffering or misery. Human beings might suffer under those conditions, but to mayflies those might be the glory days, and the sex frenzy before death might be a hell of never-satisfied desire and terrifying exposure to predators.

On second thought, being a fashion model or ballerina or aspiring actor or whatever probably consists of a lot of never-satisfied desire and terrifying exposure to predators, too. No matter what one's gender is.

Anyway, just a thought.

Hi, Chelsea and Julie—

Thanks, both, for generously spending time and effort in helping me polish this piece.

Chelsea—I don’t understand why a metaphor would be preferable to a simile. The comparison of people to insects is a venerable and shopworn trope. Most often butterflies are chosen because their metamorphosis from caterpillar to pupa to winged adult suggests the glorification of the soul in death. This comparison is so common that the Greek words for “butterfly” and “soul” are the same.

There are other implications of the comparison that could be developed. For example, the emergence of millions of insects all at once could suggest the competition for jobs in the fashion industry, or the piled-up corpses of the winged insects the day after their emergence could suggest the discarding of last season’s fashions. I decided to focus on just one aspect of the conceit in a very short poem: the long amount of time we spend performing mundane tasks in order to have a chance at a few moments of joy and glory.

Julie—Your post made me realize how my human biases conditioned my expectations about how a mayfly would regard the different phases of its existence. Perhaps as they fly around, obsessed with an overwhelming compulsion to mate, starving, they look back nostalgically on the simple, idyllic time in which they fed on delicious rotting vegetation swaddled in soft, comforting slime.

It also made me think that perhaps this poem wants to be about the long apprenticeship necessary for virtuosity in any creative endeavor. I will think about how I might develop this thread.

Glenn

Glenn,

What I meant was just that metaphors are "stronger" (not necessarily better or always preferable!) by means of their nature... the simile being like a thing and the metaphor actually being the thing. I imagine there's a better way to articulate that, but that's all I have right now.

And that comment really only applied if you wanted to have the whole poem become an extended metaphor, since adding a simile on top of an extended metaphor is not necessary and also would risk stepping outside of the metaphor and "weaken" it by doing so.


I like your thought about exploring the "long apprenticeship necessary for virtuosity in any creative endeavor."

Take care,
Chelsea