Darwinian Limericks
 

Here's the latest from the Speccie. I know you'll buckle down.

No. 2584: Rhyme and reason
You are invited to clamber aboard the Darwin bandwagon and submit a limerick to mark the bicentenary of the naturalist’s birth (maximum three entries each). Entries to ‘Competition 2584’ by 19 February or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.

Thanks, John. I've got a doozie for her.
Cathy

I will ship this:

There once was a ship called the Beagle,
And a sailor who took on an eagle,
And a finch and a tortoise
By which he would sort us
So that not buying-in is illegal.

When Darwin announced that we come
from slime via primates, the thrum
****of episcopal snarls
****was great, but our Charles
just showed his opposable thumb.

The [In]De[s]cent of Men

Like testicles, we have descended
From apes, though we've never pretended
To be better than they:
Scratch our balls night and day,
Belch and fart, and have bellies distended.

The Monkey at Kew

The monkey that lived in a zoo
said now I'll be welcome at Kew--
as I'm pleased to discover
the keeper's my brother,
and an old, old Book writ anew.

The church er apologises a bit

We ‘re sorry the church got it wrong.
Your thesis is cogent and strong.
And while it was fun
to imagine the sun
went around us we’ve altered our song.


Rat Race

Charles Darwin said adaptability
combined with aggressive fertility
was what was required
if we really aspired
to succeed with great speed and agility.

An era of pious hysteria
Was thwarted by Darwin's criteria;
The question was solved:
We all evolved!
But then again, so did bacteria.

Deleted by poet.

As diverse as the things are in nature,
surely man has superior stature?
We were made in God's image
and won in life's scrimmage
through fitness, so "here's looking at yer!"

But selection has now gone awry,
for we don't allow no-marks to die:
we let ugly folks wed,
fools have children instead,
to offend the intelligent eye.

I decline to propose a solution
to this failure of evolution,
for eugenics is rotten,
and rightly forgotten:
it contravenes the constitution.

But the problem here seems to revolve
around whether we will still evolve,
to be fit for dominion.
My humble opinion
is: that one's a tough one to solve.

For beauty is not always best
(as the warthog would surely attest),
and the truth must be faced:
who'd collect all our waste?
if we just kept the few brainiest...

We also, of course, need (apparently):

Traffic wardens
Rodent operatives
Cowboy plumbers who say "it's going to cost you..."
Politicians
Bankers (I said bankers)
Telephone operators who say "putting you through" but then don't
Call centre staff whose linguistic skills are limited to a smattering of Farsi
Lawyers who charge £60 to write a two line letter on our behalf
Etc etc

Martin, it is quite permissible to link the limericks, but that may cut down on your chances of winning for a single limerick. I am quite unable to match what you have all . I posted a rude limerick by Robert Conquest which is ALMOST relevant on the thread about parody, which, when I think of it, wasn't really the place to put it.

Deleted by poet.

Deleted by poet.

John,

Well, I've got a number of them but I'm still working on which to send. What do you think the Speccie's preferences run to re: lewd, filthy, risque, or....not?

If you don't mind my asking. Naturally only one of mine is filthy. The others are merely suggestive.

Molte grazie!

Terese


PS It may be unfair to ask questions whose answers are known only to the cognoscenti, so never mind...

Send the dirty ones Terese.
Snigger, snigger..
(That'll be one less to worry about)

I think I would avoid the filth - at least in Spectator Competitions. But I hope you'll share it with us. Please go and look at the Conquest limerick I put .. hell I've forgotten where I put it. It goes like this. Actually there are two. I would judge them too filthy for the Speccie. But not for us. And quite masterly.

AT THE ZOO

There was plenty of good-natured chaff
When I popped in to fuck the giraffe,
And the PRZS
Could hardly suppress
A dry professorial laugh.

When I came back to roger the gnu
I was scarcely delayed coming through,
and the staff - most polite -
cried, “please stay overnight”,
It’s a privilege granted to few.

Deleted by poet.

Martin

Your last one I think probably takes the prize here on the 'sphere at least. It has a certain star quality about it. I, for one, concede defeat...

Philip

Deleted by poet.

Thanks, Philip! It must be in my genes. ;) Or maybe I'm just more obsessed than you are! But your limericks are quite interesting, too. And I enjoyed reading them.

Martin

LOL! I'm not surprised one iota at your answer[s], John. The Speccie no doubt abjures speaking about doing the nasty...in so many words.

How can I share them here before they get rejected? No, that would never do. Tell you what--I'll email them to you if you'll promise to give me some idea what you think of their chances. Quid pro quo, deal? But no sending them around to anyone else! One has to protect one's assets, and mine are few and all too elusive.

Email coming soon.

T.

Martin

Remember the genes are selfish. Richard Dawkins says so - so it must be true.

If your limericks outlive mine and/or get to reproduce they were simply fitter is all.

Nature doesn't make moral (or literary) judgements.

P

Here is an interesting quote:

Therese, My ear is open, like a hungry shark.

Just wondering, John: does that mean you didn't get my email? I sent it yesterday & did not receive a failure notice (not from you or those idiotic Mailer-daemon twits).

T.

No, Im afraid I didn't get it Terese. I'll look again.

Deleted by poet.

Whilst strolling the deck of the Beagle
Charles Darwin called out to a sea-gull.
It lit on his hat
And discourteously shat,
An outcome he did not inveigle.

Darwin offered a pound or a dollar a
Rower but found not one follower.
"I will buy you all dinner if
You'll take me to Tenerife."
But the crew were put off by the cholera.

When he finally saw the Galapagos
Charles Darwin clicked beads on his abacus:
"I am making a tote
Of the species I'll note,
For now I am truly one happy cuss!"

Darwin's grandson could often be wordy,
But his grip on his niblick was sturdy.
He once asked, "Will a par win?"
"No, par will tie, Darwin."
So he promptly chipped in for a birdie.

http://www.golfblogger.com/index.php..._on_golf_book/

A favorite remark of Charles Darwin's
was only the top superstar wins,
...and slackers like me
...with our beer and tv
will never be given the garlands.

For years this remark made me bitter,
but then I said, "Don't kid a kidder!
...Your theory's worth shit
...cause I may not be fit
but my parents were not any fitter!"

I had difficulty finding a rhyme for Galapagos, Gwynne found two!
That wins for me.

They tell me that everyone proper goes
to church every Sunday. My papa goes.
...My mama does, too.
...But the Bible's not true
if you study the beasts in Galapagos.

Bugger.
Another two.
Well done Bob, excellent.

Jim Haze, thank you, but it is Gwynn, a minor point, I admit, but a sore one.

Signed,

R. S. Gywnn
R. S. Gwin
R. S. Gwynne
S. Gufna
R. S. Gueyana
R. S. Gwy
R. S. Gynn
et al., including "R. S. Gwinn," who once appeared on the cover of Poetry.

Well, I can see why Jim was tempted to give you a proper vowel for a change. A seven-letter nom d'plume without a single a-e-i-o-u? Preposterous!

................

Roger, I always thought those consonants would make me appear slimmer!

..........

Nevermind- it's still a gwynner.

Blameless O'Haze

You just feel that way because you moved your vowels.