Speccie: Animal Crackers
 

No. 2600: Animal Crackers
You are invited to supply a poem (maximum 16 lines) in which either the first line or last line is ‘Whenever you see a rhinoceros’. Entries to ‘Competition 2600’ by 11 June or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.

This is actually quite tricky. I spent a whole hour of swimming up and down like a rhinoceros trying to crack it. The difficulties are

a. The dactylic rhythm
b. The lack of rhymes for 'rhinoceros'

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
Swimming along like a punt
In the Rhine or the Tyne or the Bosphorus
Whenever you see a rhinoceros
You may think his progression prepocerous...

and that's as far as I got. Perhaps I new approach is needed

John, I really appreciate your putting these contests up for us.
However, I'm unable to open the link (if that's what it is) at the top of the page. So could you tell us something about these contests -- like how many winners get printed, if there is money involved, & so on?
Thanks!

The Traveler's Guide to Wild Animals

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
don't linger to savor his musk.
You'd be better off swimming the Bosporus
than to risk getting skewered by his tusk.

Don't try to make friends with a whale;
though by nature he isn't malicious
with a flip of his flipper or tail,
you'd soon be a snack for the fishes.

With a tiger do not get too gabby,
nor with a leopard or lion.
Though they may resemble your tabby,
they could eat you without even tryin'.

So heed my advice, you who dare
to stalk these great animals -- damnit!
Kick off your boots, grab a chair,
sit back and watch Animal Planet.


[John, I swear I didn't steal Bosporus from you, since I didn't read yours until after I wrote mine!]

Gail,

Here's the link to this weeks contest.

http://www.spectator.co.uk/the-magaz...petition.thtml

There are links to past contests on the right, in which many of our folks have figured prominently.

Marion

Gail, you can follow the link. You can see about five winners. You win £25 plus an extra fiver if you are top dog. Many Spherians have won prizes. Because we're so good. I'm not counting the great Bill Greenwell who has won times without number.When you win you can get in touch with me. I change your endorsed cheques into dollars for the costof the postage. There is also a monthly competition at The Oldie, same sort of thing.

Thanks, Marion and John!
I followed the link and was pleased to see among the last winners my old friend Davina Prince.
I'll give these a try & see if I have better luck than I've had with New Yorker cartoon captions!

Oh, Gail, those New Yorker captions are tough (I never send in), but some of the winners have been a hoot!

Rhinoceros


I am the odd-toed ungulate
Much endangered here in the jungulate.
Why that should be is well beyond me,
But it’s something to do with my horn, my horn,
It’s something to do with my horn.

The truth is you’ll never be prosperous
Hunting for horn of rhinoceros—
There isn’t a stiffy this side of the Liffey
That ever was caused by my horn, my horn
That ever was caused by my horn.

Have you got it? That horn stuff is twaddle—
Now get on your camel and toddle.
I may not have brains, but you’ll have no remains
If you don’t see the point of the horn, the horn,
If you don’t see the point of the horn
Whenever you see a rhinoceros.

Marion and Terese, you seem to have cracked it. I don't know what it leaves me to do (he said morosely).

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
just say, "I'm glad to meet you!"
Don't panic. They're herbivorous.
That means they will not eat you.

John,

I think you're on to something with a rhino in the Tyne. Don't give up!

And thanks for the thumbs-up. Do you think "stiffy" is too lewd for the Speccie? (she asked, whining)

It seems an innocent enough word to me, considering the fact I never heard it till a few years ago.

.
Whenever you see a rhinoceros
that's snuffling where my saucer was,
you’ll know he has swallowed a cup of tea,
consumed a crumpet and gobbled up me.
.

I think She Who Must Be Obeyed will wear 'stiffy'. Whatever it may mean.Thanks for your encouragement, Terese. I will return to my last.

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
don’t try to invite it to tea.
It’s as rude as a crass hippopotamus
and will not even RSVP.
The manners of many hyenas
are not what you’d wish them to be.
Their maniacal laugh will alarm the giraffe
and they’d rather drink blood than bohea.
Just to get chimpanzees to say “thank you” or “please”
or to learn how to balance their cups on their knees
is a nearly impossible task.
That is equally true of a warthog or gnu,
which will not state a preference for one lump or two--
and as for an ostrich, don’t ask.

The Unrhymable Rhino

Anent the unrhymable rhino,
As Nash knew and Porter knew, I know —
In English there’s nothing unrhymable.
So be in no doubt of it, I'm a bel-
Iever that only a twerp’ll
Say rhymes are quite lacking for purple.

I'll leave out the teacher who’d Chaucer us,
And no way I’ll stoop to trichoceros
(Rime pauvre, I say) or embosseress,
Contrived for a lady embosser.
But that driver today that I squeezed by —
A move she was clearly displeased by —
No lady, she yelled out, “You tosser!”
(I dread I’ll again come across her).
Think how such road-ragers “Tosser!” us
Whenever you see a rhinoceros.

xxx

Nash had a patent on prepoceros , but I suppose he's had it long enough, I think though I'll essay a couple of my own coinages for the redoubtable Lucy;

Whenever you see a Rhinoceros

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
I guarantee it won’t offer us
a battement sur le cou-de-pied--
while limbering up to dance the ballet.

The intricate steps of gavottes
tie its feet up in knots;
not overly keen to begin the beguine,
a quickstep, a reel, a square dance quadrille,
it abhors chaconnes and fox-trots.

The rhinoceros seeking a mate
is very reserved on a date,
its inherited bigness inhibits its jigness,
and so will suppose tapping its toes,
to be an undignifying state.

It’s a four-left-legged colosseros
whenever you see a rhinoceros.

Doesn't "preposerous" come out of Bert Lahr's mouth in The Wizard of Oz?

The rhino is a homely beast,
For human eyes he's not a feast.
Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
I'll stare at something less prepoceros.

I'm not sure when Nash penned this but there's a fair chance it preceded Lahr if not the attempts of so many children to get their tongues around it.

1.

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
just say, "I'm glad to meet you!"
Don't panic. They're herbivorous.
That means they will not eat you.

2.

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
ask him, Do you rhyme with this,
or do you rhyme instead with thus?
Which is it, kind rhinoceros?

And maybe this;

Whenever you see a Rhinoceros

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
in the bath, it's a pretty safe guess,
that he's trying to be less odoroferous
to impress a rhinocerosess.

Shades of Grey

White Rhinos? They're not white. The word
for "wide" in Africaans, misheard,
is how these wide-mouthed grazers came
to bear a title so absurd.

Black Rhinos' hue is just the same
as that of White ones, though their name
was picked to keep the two unblurred.
A blunder. Who deserves the blame?

Regardless, here's a handy tip:
Black Rhinos use a beak-shaped lip
to browse; White Rhinos, previous-
ly mentioned, use a broader grip.

Judge by skin-tone, miss the bus;
judge by mouthings, rarely slip.
(And not just useful to discuss
whenever you see a rhinoceros.)

Hunting in the Sky

Last night you gazed up at the stars
 and knew you saw Monoceros
because you felt the way you feel
 whenever you see a rhinoceros.

DT's

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
aswim with eight legs in the seas
it could be an octopussoceros.
It's that, or you've got the DT's.

A Grammatical Conundrum in the Wild

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
across my mind a thought crosses--
if two come by
is it rhinoceri
or is it rhinocerososses?

I gotta horse! as that African chief used to yell out atracemeetings. I gotta horse! It may not be the fastest in the race but at least it's mine. Has anyone else used the given line AT THE END?

Be Kind

Be kind to God’s cuddlesome creatures
With their furry, agreeable features,
Their eager, affectionate eyes
And their dainty, diminutive size.
The squirrel, the mouse and the bunny,
Are docile, delightful and funny:
They will neither disgust nor offend;
You can look upon each as a friend.

But affection would be a mistake
In the case of the venomous snake,
Or the rabid and rancorous fox,
Or the sullen, malodorous ox,
Or the filthy, disease-ridden rat,
Or the hideous, bloodsucking bat,
And will strike you as purely prepocerous
Whenever you see a rhinoceros.

Julie and I both used it at the end. Mine, though, is slight (although a perfect rhyme without resorting to a coinage).

Terese Coe did as well. I think hers is the best.

There's eros in rhinoceros,
and yet nobody I know
fantasizes late at night
about a naked rhino.

**

Yes, I know it doesn't fit the assignment. But I'm thinking "words inside of words" these days since lots and lots of new "words inside words poems" for children will be in the new Bumbershoot tomorrow, written by the man who gave us "The Pig in the Spigot."

Heavens yes. LOTS of people put it at the end. I just haven't been paying attention. Terese's effort is indeed the snake's ankles.

For rhymes, you will be at a losseros
whenever you see a rhinoceros.
You could try a slant rhyme, of coseros
whenever you see a rhinoceros,
or various kinds of dinoseros
(though they might be slightly preposeros).
For rhymes, you will be at a losseros
whenever you see a rhinoceros.

Mardon me, Padmini, mais je pense que "stiffy" est tres spiffy, and just magniloquent to rime it on Liffey. Isn't there another secret word?... qui que quo qua... can't remember now that fits there somehow?

There isn’t a stiffy this side of the Liffey.

Brill!

A stiffy! A stiffy! It's a hard-on, you know.

Roger, surely monoceros/rhinoceros is identity rather than perfect rhyme as usually defined? Some people call it rime riche to make it seem better than what's normally considered perfect rhyme, but they don't fool me. ;-) Which is why I said I wouldn't "stoop to" trichoceros.

Picky, picky, picky.

Maybe, Roger, though you did say something about a perfect rhyme without "resorting to a coinage", which made it appear that you were being picky about coinages. Actually, they often add to the fun in light verse, dont they?

Would you believe that I say the "n" in rhinoceros slightly differently from the way I say the "n" in "monoceros," a matter of millimeters in tongue placement, and this small difference is enough to convert it from an identity to a rhyme?

No, I didn't think so.

Oh well, can't win them all.

Whenever you see a rhinocerous
Stampeding in an awful fuss
(What gets them so pissed off at us?)
Make sure that your sarcophagus
Is prepped in the necropolis
(It's antlike, not grasshopperous
To plan, should one not stop for us)
Cause they can land on top of us
And make beef stroganoff of us.

WHENEVER YOU SEE A RHINOCEROS

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
**be sure to step aside.
Give it wide berth as you would a bus.
Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
assume it won’t blow it’s horn, and don’t cuss.
**I say this as friend and guide:
whenever you see a rhinoceros,
**be sure to step aside.

Chuffed to hear y'all enjoyed my post. Am otherwise speechless at the moment, having just raced back to the city to make the rental car deadline...two minutes late, and they let it go.

Terese, it's as good in its way as anything I've read of yours. Ten horns!

Do they hunt rhinos from camels? The market I'd think would mostly be for Year of the [insert animal figure] dudes, who credit sympathetic magic for reptile power.