Eratosphere

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-   -   Rain (http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showthread.php?t=29951)

Andrew Szilvasy 08-14-2018 05:37 PM

Rain
 
Spring Shower

All day I lay
looking at clouds—

a dragon then a mother
holding a bear

holding a toddler
who points to dark skies

and the storm’s cry
like a needle

eased into the fat
blackberry of my eye.

****

L6: "pointing" --> "who points"

Original

Spring Shower

All day I lie
looking at clouds—

a dragon then a mother
holding a toddler

holding a bear
who points to dark skies

and the storm’s cry
like a needle

eased into the fat
blackberry of my eye.

***
L1: "lay" --> "lie"
Deleted "first" from the end of L2.

Woody Long 08-14-2018 06:21 PM

Andrew —

When I was a kid, we spent a lot of time outdoors in the west, & I saw many things in the clouds of the Arizona skies.

S1L2 as is:

looking at clouds—first
....

I think deleting first would improve the poetry, so, S1:

All day I lay
looking at clouds—


The reader can infer the sequence from then, S2L1.

— Woody

Aaron Novick 08-14-2018 07:13 PM

I agree with Woody about "first"—it's bloat.

I don't think anything else should change. The strangeness of this poem is just right. I love the way the cloud shapes first fold in on themselves (A holding B holding C), then blow outward into the final image.

One of my favorites of yours, which is saying something.

Funnily enough I also have a rain poem of ten short lines that I've been considering posting...

RCL 08-14-2018 07:14 PM

It has springy lilt, and irony if a raindrop is most real to N, including his berry-black eye. That is, nature trumps metaphor?

Siham Karami 08-14-2018 09:45 PM

Very effective, I think. The end is just startling and fantastic. No nits. Well done.

Siham

Andrew Szilvasy 08-15-2018 06:42 AM

Hi all,

I'm glad this is working.

Woody and Aaron, you are absolutely right that "first" had to go, and it is duly gone.

Aaron, this is high praise. I'm glad you like it, and hope at some point I see your rain poem.

Ralph, I hadn't really thought of that way of reading it, but now that you mention it, it's obviously there and I'm going to pretend it was always part of my master plan for the poem.

Siham, I'm glad you like it!

Jim Moonan 08-15-2018 07:22 AM

Nice! Imagine looking at clouds all day long without interruption... It invokes a dreamy quality gentle as Pooh with an added dimension of an adult's perspective, I think.
The image of a needle piercing an eye is wincing. That would be the crack of thunder and flash of lightning.

My one small thought is whether "eased" is too slow an action to fit the metaphor. Maybe "jabbed" or "pierced" or something? Though "eased" did work until I began to think about it. :D

(The clouds have been incredible in our neck of the woods this summer, haven't they?)
x

John Isbell 08-15-2018 08:11 AM

Hi Andrew,

Lovely. The one change I'd consider is your present tense in the middle, since it's past time. Maybe foretold?

Cheers,
John

Edward Zuk 08-15-2018 01:02 PM

Hi Andrew,

I like this mostly, but the rhyme in the first line sounds cloying to me. "All day I lie" would put this into the present tense, making your shift into the past at the end more arresting.

Jim Moonan 08-15-2018 01:07 PM

Edward: All day I lie" would put this into the present tense, making your shift into the past at the end more arresting.

I agree.


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